10.31.07 From the Viking
I HATE YOU: Fat Lady On The Train
Hey folks. Here's my new column…in which I decimate people who annoy me. This week? Why, it's the Fat Lady On The Train!
I live in Valley Stream, NY. It's about thirty minutes outside of Manhattan via the Long Island Railroad, which is your standard issue commuter train. I'm sure your city has a train like the LIRR. If it doesn't, then you live in a shack in your own feces and I'm shocked you get internet access.
A daily hour long commute (30 minutes both ways) seems aggrivating, but the LIRR is actually pretty nice--the seats are soft, most of the ride is outdoors (as opposed to the Subway) and unless you ride during certain times, the train is never too crowded.
Well, two days ago, I rode during one of those "certain times." I knew I was going to have to ride during an extremely busy part of the day and that my train would be packed, so I boarded the train as soon as my track was announced and promptly found myself a seat tucked away in a corner. It was a window seat in a two seater column (the columns on the LIRR are either two seaters or three seaters).
As I patiently waited for the train to leave the station, I saw more and more people file on. No one seemed interested in the chair next to me. I don't think I smelled that bad, but who the hell knows. Anyways, around a minute before the train was scheduled to leave the station, all seemed well. No one had occupied the seat next to me and people were even starting to fill up the standing section of the train car. Looking good, Mr. Kaiser. Looking good.
That's when she appeared. She. She. She. The 450 pound middle aged Italian woman. She stood for a brief moment, breathing heavily (for there were stairs she had to climb DOWN, so of course she was short of breath), then she sauntered (and oh yes did she saunter) into my train car, set her fat eyes on the seat next to me and ker-plunked down. I bounced up a little bit. On account of the fat.
As soon as she finished "settling in" in her seat (much like a house settles), I was treated with liberal doses of her overflow. At certain moments I was covered in bits of her ass, whereas at other times, it was parts of her stomach. I kept getting pressed further and further into the wall, more and more of my air was being sucked up (it takes a lot of oxygen to fill up a 450 pound mass) and, worst of all, the hotter and hotter my seat got.
To make things even more fun, the train ahead of us was having problems, so the ride's time was doubled. They kept saying we were going slow because of that other train, but honest to God, I kept thinking in my head, "Okay, they have to tell us that, but it's really this fat chick slowing us down, right?" I honestly felt that could be true.
After about 30 minutes of riding next to Jaba The Hut's fatter cousin (who, by the way, dozed off...because super fat people have trouble staying awake...and started snoring...because fat people have trouble doing things without making noise), we began to approach the midway point of the ride, Jamaica Station. I would have to get off the train, cross the platform and board another train at Jamaica. This would already be hard with the immense fleshy obstacle course in my way, but unfortunately for me, I had three bags that were underneath the seat that I needed to make sure I didn't forget.
We kept getting closer and closer to Jamaica and soon enough everyone who, like me, would have to change trains, was standing up and waiting in a line by the doors to the train car. My sweet, sweet fat princess was still in slumber land. Great. So I QUIETLY leaned down and attempted to unwedge my bags (which WERE wedged...via her hundreds and hundreds of rolls of fat). Right at that moment I started the lovely beast awake. She was not happy.
"JESUS CHRIST!" It roared. "DO YOU HAVE ANY MANNERS?!" She then turned to everyone on the train. "THIS FUCKIN' GUY'S BEEN ELBOWING ME THE WHOLE RIDE!!!" So on top of being brutally punished by this woman's sheer mass (as well as smell and heat-generating ass), I had to be publicly embarrassed.
I of course was about to respond with a witty retort about how it would've been impossible to have NOT elbowed her save for cutting off my arm. But I realized that any comments might upset the beast, send her into coronary arrest and then, judging by my luck, she'd probably collapse on top me (causing me to die of suffocation upon "impact"). So, I bit my lip and said nothing. I saved my thoughts for here.
But in that moment, I did have a great idea. I actually solved our energy crisis (and subsequently solved Iraq). I think fat people are an excellent alternative source of fuel. Judging by the amount of heat the bitch on the train's ass generated, I'm sure we could have cars running on a slice of "Fat Bitch Butt" in no time. I think we should pull our troops out of Iraq and get them on "Fat Bitch Roundup" duty ASAP. Either way...Fat Lady On The Train...I hate you.
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respect I have for you in the manner in which you so perfectly exemplified how one should conduct themselves when life plays its whimsical little pranks on us all, FAT BITCH FROM HELL being a particularly insidious, sinister ordeal to endure.
As a regular rider on the LIRR I have been eyewitness to the hellacious scenarios unleashed by others not as blessed with the common sense you dutifully implemented, much to your credit.
Despite what Debbie moronically commented a bit earlier about growing balls, it takes 'testicles of steel' to have demonstrated the overwhelming discipline and brilliant common sense you did by remaining stoic and unresponsive that otherwise would have definitely escalated into some sort of police action, for sure.
Not only did you spare yourself more trouble than most people realize, you extracted the best sort of revenge on someone as miserable and shameless as this Ms. Humpty-Dumpty,Fat Farm Fugitive From Hell. Bravo!
Back when I was in the military, living in Virginia, and trying to commute between NYC and Virginia, I took the cheapest way possible: Greyhound.
Back then I was rail-thin (about 125lbs and 5'8" tall), and the fattest, most grossest person would ALWAYS sit next to me! It was like the fatties would zero in on the thinnest so that they could have some extra seating. Seating THAT I PAID FOR! And we all know Greyhound; people would bring the nastiest, greasiest crap to eat during the 8-hour trip. I felt like a damn hostage.
I had to make that trip about a dozen times before I could finally afford a car. I am sensitive to the fatties, but fuck...if you know your ass won't fit in the seat, don't inconvenience (and embarrass) yourself. EVERYONE KNOWS YOU CAN'T FIT, so don't even try!
Trust me, you handled yourself well. I'm sure everyone on the train knew that you weren't elbowing her, but probably fighting to breathe.
Great minds think alike according to William Michaelian. As I read your enlightening essay on an epidemic we all face, I agree that we may have ourselves a new form of energy on our hands. Two years I ago I wrote for my high school newspaper with an extremely controversial topic titled "Stefan's Obesity Spin". Within my article I stressed emphasis on the fact that we cast a negative view on our glutinous subspecies. So why not encourage the obese to get... Well.. More Obese? Ironic to your point you may think, but why you may ask? Well the answers are plain and simple. The news today basically consists of wild fires, hurricanes, Bush's failures, the end of days, Brittany Spears, and THE ENERGY CRISIS. The energy crisis in my opinion IS A MYTH. Why? Well, step outside! Feel the slight rumble of 280-450 masses making their way from point A to point B in the kinetic motion of a mollusk. Why not use the glutinous supply of individuals to power our country? By taking a silicon tube which can be connected to right or left oblique of the obese individual. We can use these saturated fats as an energy bi-product that will carry us well into the future as a highly combustible and eco-friendly fuel! I name this source of fuel Plump Pellets. Any wood pellet stove can easily be converted. Users will instantly notice a gain in BTU (British Thermal Units) output due to its high combustibility. Now this essay in my high school newspaper got me a lot of cross fire. I was written two letters by the school nurses explaining the obesity epidemic (apparently they didn't understand the benefits), a public apology was given by my principal on behalf of my poor taste and judgment on solving the energy crisis, my fellow obese classmates stared me down like an all you can eat buffet at a Bob Evans, as well as many more threats. Personally, I just don't think the world is ready, I know I am.
Sincerely,
Stefan
Future Energy Pioneer
Second: As I read everyone's comments (and realized the ridiculous repercussions that could have unfolded) I realized that you indeed made the right decision, but hold that I doubt I personally would have been as calm and collected.
Third: John, while I can appreciate your point of view, seeing as I can't even consider my location as "in a city," I think you may be taking Lukas's statement just a bit too literal. I think, and I may be wrong, that he was more touting how awesome he thinks Manhattan is, which I can't really appreciate as I've never been there. I agree, though, that certainly not every place without a light-rail system automatically is a shit-hole. I quite enjoy my "country" living and would put it's benefits against the city life any day.
Or just suck it up. Pollute the air and drive. I used to take the VS train to Penn all the time, It's actually about 40min - 45min each way, even going express. And that's without any delays. If you know what you're doing on the road, you can get to the city in less than 30mins, with moderate traffic. Although, a good chunk of your time after that is finding parking.
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