I HATE YOU: Fat Lady On The Train

I live in Valley Stream, NY. It's about thirty minutes outside of Manhattan via the Long Island Railroad, which is your standard issue commuter train. I'm sure your city has a train like the LIRR. If it doesn't, then you live in a shack in your own feces and I'm shocked you get internet access.

A daily hour long commute (30 minutes both ways) seems aggrivating, but the LIRR is actually pretty nice--the seats are soft, most of the ride is outdoors (as opposed to the Subway) and unless you ride during  certain times, the train is never too crowded.

Well, two days ago, I rode during one of those "certain times." I knew I was going to have to ride during an extremely busy part of the day and that my train would be packed, so I boarded the train as soon as my track was announced and promptly found myself a seat tucked away in a corner. It was a window seat in a two seater column (the columns on the LIRR are either two seaters or three seaters).

As I patiently waited for the train to leave the station, I saw more and more people file on. No one seemed interested in the chair next to me. I don't think I smelled that bad, but who the hell knows. Anyways, around a minute before the train was scheduled to leave the station, all seemed well. No one had occupied the seat next to me and people were even starting to fill up the standing section of the train car. Looking good, Mr. Kaiser. Looking good.

That's when she appeared. She. She. She. The 450 pound middle aged Italian woman. She stood for a brief moment, breathing heavily (for there were stairs she had to climb DOWN, so of course she was short of breath), then she sauntered (and oh yes did she saunter) into my train car, set her fat eyes on the seat next to me and ker-plunked down. I bounced up a little bit. On account of the fat.

As soon as she finished "settling in" in her seat (much like a house settles), I was treated with liberal doses of her overflow. At certain moments I was covered in bits of her ass, whereas at other times, it was parts of her stomach. I kept getting pressed further and further into the wall, more and more of my air was being sucked up (it takes a lot of oxygen to fill up a 450 pound mass) and, worst of all, the hotter and hotter my seat got.

To make things even more fun, the train ahead of us was having problems, so the ride's time was doubled. They kept saying we were going slow because of that other train, but honest to God, I kept thinking in my head, "Okay, they have to tell us that, but it's really this fat chick slowing us down, right?" I honestly felt that could be true.

After about 30 minutes of riding next to Jaba The Hut's fatter cousin (who, by the way, dozed off...because super fat people have trouble staying awake...and started snoring...because fat people have trouble doing things without making noise), we began to approach the midway point of the ride, Jamaica Station. I would have to get off the train, cross the platform and board another train at Jamaica. This would already be hard with the immense fleshy obstacle course in my way, but unfortunately for me, I had three bags that were underneath the seat that I needed to make sure I didn't forget.

We kept getting closer and closer to Jamaica and soon enough everyone who, like me, would have to change trains, was standing up and waiting in a line by the doors to the train car. My sweet, sweet fat princess was still in slumber land. Great. So I QUIETLY leaned down and attempted to unwedge my bags (which WERE wedged...via her hundreds and hundreds of rolls of fat). Right at that moment I started the lovely beast awake. She was not happy.

"JESUS CHRIST!" It roared. "DO YOU HAVE ANY MANNERS?!" She then turned to everyone on the train. "THIS FUCKIN' GUY'S BEEN ELBOWING ME THE WHOLE RIDE!!!" So on top of being brutally punished by this woman's sheer mass (as well as smell and heat-generating ass), I had to be publicly embarrassed.

I of course was about to respond with a witty retort about how it would've been impossible to have  NOT elbowed her save for cutting off my arm. But I realized that any comments might upset the beast, send her into coronary arrest and then, judging by my luck, she'd probably collapse on top me (causing me to die of suffocation upon "impact"). So, I bit my lip and said nothing. I saved my thoughts for here.

But in that moment, I did have a great idea. I actually solved our energy crisis (and subsequently solved Iraq). I think fat people are an excellent alternative source of fuel. Judging by the amount of heat the bitch on the train's ass generated, I'm sure we could have cars running on a slice of "Fat Bitch Butt" in no time. I think we should pull our troops out of Iraq and get them on "Fat Bitch Roundup" duty ASAP. Either way...Fat Lady On The Train...I hate you.