I HATE You: Douchebag Hollywood Wannabe

Most of the tremendous douches I defecate upon in this column are of the anonymous, stranger variety. That's what you get when you live in a highly populated area--lots of disgusting queef and cheese sandwich eaters all up in yo' grill. That's why I'm putting money down on a house in rural Alabama. That way I know for sure ALL my neighbors are hicks and docuehbags, but their houses will be at least two shotgun blasts away.

This time, I'm not going to defecate on a stranger (although that IS my favorite pastime, as those of you who know me can attest to). No, this time I'm gonna rip someone I used to know to shreds. And for all you Lukas Stans out there who are so vain they probably think this song is about them, I'll let you know that 99.99% of you are wrong. But d-bag lawyer who actually IS the subject of this article... you know who you are, you flaming pile of shit.

I met Steve* last summer through an acquaintance. Actually, through an acquaintance of an acquaintance which, I know now, is the best way to meet truly heinous people--through the friends of your friends. I was filming something for my friend's friend on the trusty DV camera as a favor this insanely hot Saturday afternoon and Steve sauntered up to where we were filming.

"Nice camera," he said, with a wink. "Can you shoot TV shows with that?"

Keep in mind, I was in the middle of filming an interview. So Steve just ruined said interview. While everyone glared at Steve and the interview was being reset, I turned to him and smiled.

"Sure," I answered. "They shoot some reality shows with this camera."

"Perfect, perfect. Because me and David have a pitch at MGM that's probably going through, we'll need a couple of those."

"David?" I asked, with puzzlement.

He laughed. "Sorry, sorry, you must not be in the biz." He meant I must've not been in "showbiz." Which was bullshit, as I DID work in TV and film production for five years. "David FAUSTINO and me got a pitch." For those of you who don't remember, David Faustino played Bud Bundy on "Married... With Children." Wowsers.

"Ah... cool," I began. Then I noticed the crew was ready to roll.  "I gotta get back to this, talk to you in a..."

"How much you pay for that camera?"

"I'm not sure. My boss deals with the finances..."

"I've got a budget of about a half mill for cameras, from David. You think I could get a couple of those with that much?"

At that point I just ignored the fucking douchebag and went back to the shoot. We finished up quickly (no thanks to Steve and his shit-stained teeth). As we were wrapping up the shoot, my girlfriend arrived. She came over and, as girlfriends often do, gave me a kiss.

"Wow! Hello there!" Steve began. He had his douche-laser sights set on my girl. "What's your name, sweetie?"

She told him her name (which will go unrevealed here, you pervs). "That's a very pretty name. Listen, I need a good girl working by my side on this project with me and David. How can I get you to quit your job and come work for me?"

"You can't," my girlfriend said, with an immense eye roll.

"Name your price, I'll pay you to not work even! I just wanna look at you all day long!"

"Dude," I began, with a fucking mean stare across my face. "Back the fuck up before we have to call up Faustino and tell him his business partner had his own heart fed to him."

There was an awkward pause, where I actually felt kind of embarrassed for the guy. Then a smile came over his face. He pointed at me.

"I think I like this guy!"

Dude, you're lucky you still have a functioning jaw.

Douchebag Hollywood Wannabe, I fucking HATE you!