I HATE You: Annoying People At Concerts

NORMAL BEHAVIOR

Just like with dating retarded chicks, how you act at concerts depends entirely on who you're seeing. You're not gonna play catch with a drooling hottie in a vegetative state just like you're not gonna try to mosh at a jazz club. While "Clerks" might've proven that title doesn't dictate behavior, I think, when it comes to concerts, the band certainly should.

Here are some typical genres of bands you might see in concert and how you should act if you're in the audience:

-Hard Rock: Jumping, fist pumping and aggressive dancing.
-Hip Hop: Rhythmic dancing, "hopping," booty dancing with the chick in front of you (especially when her booty is unavoidably large) and, when prodded, waving "yo' hands in da' air" (and doing so "like ya' just don't care!")
-Any Variety of Metal: Extreme, violent moshing; goosing any chick who happens to be in the "pit"
-Indie Rock: Sitting at the bar, downing Pabst Blue Ribbons and, on occasion, looking at the band
-Country: Square dancing, singing along, killing black people having fun?
-Any Form of Electronica: Tripping balls, dancing like a nut and trying to take chicks to the bathroom for Peace Love Unity Respect fests
-Teen Pop: crouching around on your knees, trying to look up 13-year-old girls' skirts uhm, dancing n stuff?

All the behavior in the above list, no matter how odd, is completely acceptable IN CONTEXT. But for some reason, at every single concert I've ever been to (and I'm sure at every single one you've been to as well) people seem hellbent on crossing over, which is what constitutes 50% of the douchebaggy behavior at all concerts. I'll break down some of the worst offenders I've witnessed now.

MIDGET METAL FAN AT THE RAP CONCERT

It was around 98 or 99. I was still in high school and, at the time, was a huge "underground rap" fan. That era was actually a pretty good time to be into "underground rap" (I'll continue to use that term in quotes as to not make myself feel like a fag) as seminal releases from The Roots, De La Soul, Mos Def, Talib Kweli, Common and the like were being released every other week. Or at least it felt that way.

I grew up in Milwaukee (da 414 baaaby), which isn't anywhere on the short list of "Most Cosmopolitan Cities in the US". But it is a fairly large city (or was... mah fuckas is leaving that shit in droves, according to the census... I guess people collectively realized they were, like, living in MILWAUKEE and shit). Which meant a lot of "underground rap" stars came through town to put on shows. And people would actually fill up The Rave (the local venue that held rap concerts... yeah, I know, fucking amazing name, right?) for even the most obscure shows.

The problem was, these mofos coming out, for the most part, were not rap fans. Most of them, in fact, were insane vagrants and bikers who came out to ANY show The Rave put on, especially ones with ticket prices hovering between $9 and $10. Oh, and when the venue got nervous no one would show, they'd just let people in. Since The Rave was very close to the bus station, shit tended to get interesting.

Which is exactly what happened at this Del Tha Funkee Homosapien concert I went to. I'm chillin in the middle of the crowd when I see a bunch of people start flooding back right before Del's supposed to go on. Sheit, might as well go up close, I thought.

So I jog up to, basically, the front row. Lights dim and the show starts. Del's decent (he's not the best performer ever but his songs are dope) and I'm having a good time. Then I start feeling someone shove me. I look around and can't see where the fuck this shoving is coming from.

Then a dreadlock hits me in the face. I look down. There, standing in the tiny space between me and the stage, is a fucking biker midget with dreadlocks, head banging like a motherfucker right into my leg. He starts to try mosh into my chest next. And even though he's a forty pound nugget of fun, the speed and repetition of dude's head is starting to hurt me.

I can't just take dude out because that'd seem horrible--shit would definitely make the papers ("Local Boy Throws, Kills, Eats Midget") so I launched a plan of attack. Well, it wasn't an attack as much as I just held my elbow out so that when dude tried to headbang into me, he got a skull full of elbow. Frighteningly enough, the midget kept headbanging until he fell on the floor, nearly knocked out.

Now if I was at a metal concert, this dude would've been my hero. I would've held his rank ass on my shoulders and let him headbang his sickeningly unwashed dreadlocks until the final chord was strummed. But this was a fucking RAP concert and therefore, dude deserved the brutal KO he basically delivered to himself.

TECNHO FANS AT THE ROCK CONCERT

While significantly less painful than the midget metalhead, the techno fans who always seem to crop up at every other rock concert I hit up are far more disgusting. This is because any number of "dances" techno fans partake in are, out of the context of a night club, absolutely fucking disgusting. I went to a rock concert here in New York a few years back and I saw a dude with a fucking whistle.

These cunts on a stick are also super annoying because you can't really do anything to stop them. It's not like they're trying to beat you up or rape your girlfriend. They're just dancing like total fools. Many a great concert has been nearly ruined by them.

LACK OF INTEREST

People acting out of their element constitute 50% of the anal leakage-inspired behavior that goes on at concerts. The other 50% of the people are dick heads who have come to the show but, for some reason, have zero interest in seeing the shit. These are the most vile, disgusting people I've ever come across at a concert because not only do they seem to show a lack of excitement, they seem to dislike your display of excitement too.

The main offenders are d-bag LA and New York fucks who are on their Blackberrys the entire show. I don't care if they're actually texting people shit like "Dude, this concert rocks!" If they really, truly were human beings and not cum receptacles with a pulse, they'd put their fucking phones away, lift their heads up and start rocking (or rappin') out. I promise this--next time someone with a Blackberry affects my mood at a concert, I am going to grab their shit and throw it onto the stage. Fuck you.

The next most annoying group of mouth-shitters who fall into this category are the "real estate agents." They're the people completely obsessed with holding down their spot, no matter what's going on the concert. Look, I totally respect the "no skipsies" policy when it's coming up to the show. If you've waited in line all day for a hot slot in a general admission show (like I have in the past) you want your spot. But be aware (ESPECIALLY you ladies out there) if you're at a concert that induces "rockin' out," you're gonna either have to move WITH THE CROWD or BE MOVED.

There was a particularly cunty "real estate agent" at a White Stripes show I went to last year. She kept rolling her eyes at my group and bitching to her friend that we were "all up in her shit." So throughout the night, I would chew a piece of gum for a bit, and then, when she wasn't looking, drop it in her purse. Because if you're gonna be a salty twat, you're gonna get a bag full of gum. It's just that simple.

And finally we've got the supreme losers on this list, the "dipsters"  (douchey wannabe hipsters) who show a lack of interest in the show because to show any sort of enthusiasm about ANYTHING would melt their icy facade and expose them as weak little bitches with trust funds and a rather gay skinny jean and sunglasses collection. Usually (at least in New York City shows) these twat squatters are in the balcony, sitting down, holding down the fort for enthusiasm-deflaters everywhere. Not that it SHOULD matter, but when a hot band has just finished a song and I'm clapping and hooting and hollering, I don't want to look up and see a bunch of losers serenely sipping on their Jack and Cokes. Because for a split second I start to question myself... wait, shit, maybe the band isn't as good as I think! Maybe I'm wrong! These dudes up in the balcony don't seem impressed! Oh crap... waaaait a minute. They're just dipsters. Fuck it.

If there wasn't the requisite pat down and metal detectors at a show, I'd be tempted to bring in a sniper rifle just for you fucks up there. I fucking HATE YOU!!!!