Attack Mode: How to Survive A Back-Alley Knife Fight

*Some images may be too grotesque for certain viewers. Please be advised.

 

The most important thing is to control your attacker’s knife. Every move you make should be a means to that end.  Since I believe you should never be unarmed in a knife fight, I urge all my readers to carry a pocketknife at all times.  I would like to introduce you to my knife.  It’s quick, it's light, and the half-serrated blade is great for sawing through the bones of your enemy (enemies hate having their bones sawed through). But I digress:  controlling the knife is really about controlling distance. Simply put, you need to put yourself in a position where you can stab while avoiding getting stabbed. When your enemy closes in, make a note of what hand he has the knife in.  DO NOT LET HIM STAB YOU WITH THIS HAND.  Try to circle around so he has to reach across his body to stab you. In the case that he squares himself to you, throw a front kick into his stomach to let him know you've done this before, and just because it feels good to kick stomachs.

Try to use the darkness of the alley to your advantage. Just because your enemy is actively trying to stab you to death doesn’t mean you can’t cut his pancreas out and sell it to a Vietnamese steak house (I believe Confucius coined that phrase.  At any rate, I first saw it on a fortune cookie.). Use anything around to distract your opponent and control the weapon. If you have a jacket or a sweatshirt take it off and use it to wrap up his knife hand. Another good technique is the French “Saber and cloak” method, accomplished by taking your "cloak" (in your case, a jacket or sweatshirt, unless you wear a cloak, in which case:  welcome to the future, time traveler) and wrap it around your off-hand for use in deflecting oncoming sword blows.  Try to disarm him your enemy with a swift punch to the wrist.  Call him names he's never heard before.  Any advantage you can find could save your life.  With your wrapped hand, smash through a window and grab a shard of glass. With a glass shank in one hand and a pocketknife in the other, who’s really in trouble?

 

If you do find yourself “mano a mano," and you've gained control of his knife, you'll have to cut him to end it. First, go for the arms so your attacker can't strike back.  This is about survival.  If you cut the back of his arm across his triceps you will probably hit the brachial artery, which will cause your enemy to bleed out within minutes.  This is a fight-ender to be sure, but it is also a surefire ticket to prison.  If you are flexible enough, you may opt instead to kick your opponent hard in the face.  This will cause him to question his entire upbringing.  If you are lucky, he will utter the phrase, "Why, mommy?" before losing consciousness.  As always, if your kick does not land, simply repeat.  It only takes one good kick to the face to destroy the will of even the most frenzied attacker.  Just ask Chuck Norris.  Since you now have both knives, you also have the option of throwing one knife up in the air towards him, and, as he looks up to grab it out of the air, fire the other knife toward him as hard as you can.  If you do it right, it should strike him squarely, lift him off his feet, and pin him to the wall, leaving him just enough breath to choke out one last, "Damn you, you'll never get the emeralds..." or whatever he wants his villainous last words to be.  (Note:  The high-low combination is also a killer finishing move for snowball fights.)

Again, persistence is the name of the game.  If any of these techniques fail the first time, simply try them again.  If you are badly injured in the process, hey, those are the wages of back-alley knife fighting. 

 

Since this is mainly about survival, it should go without saying that if you're not actually trapped in the alley, make a run for it and avoid all the stickiness that comes with stabbing or being stabbed.  There may be other ways, depending on the back-alley, for you to forge an escape.  Examples:  you can pull a fire escape down on your enemy's face; if there is a hanging chandelier, you can cut the rope that holds it and bring it crashing down on your enemy's face; you can repeatedly punch your enemy's face.  But in the case that you truly are trapped, you now have all the information you need to survive.  May you live to fight another day.