How to Get Out of the Friend Zone and Get the Girl

July 20, 2012 - 9:00 am | Permalink

Got the hots for a girl but she doesn’t see you as anything more than just a friend? Read on if you’d like to learn how to extract yourself from this situation and transform your friend into your girlfriend.



The term “friend zone” was popularized after the 2005 movie Just Friends, which was made before Ryan Reynolds decided to try his hand at wearing superhero tights and bastardizing our childhood memories of the Green Lantern. Technically, the term originated in the 90s after an episode of Friends used it (don't have 'em, don't need 'em, and sure as hell don't want to watch them). Why does this term have so much play in pop culture? Because guys can relate to it.

We've all had that one girl. You're attracted to her, but you waited too long to make a move, and without even realizing it you began slowly sliding right on down to the friend zone. One day you're going out for coffee and there's a little flirting, you think you might even get somewhere, and then a couple of months later you're chatting on the phone with her for hours, hearing all about her most recent date with some guy who isn't you. You've become her friend, and she's forgotten entirely that you have a penis.

The easiest way to avoid the friend zone is to never get locked into it in the first place. From the moment you meet a girl that you're interested in, you should be letting her know that you aren't a sexless eunuch whose primary purpose is to inflate her ego and help her meet dudes. But you're already deep inside the bowels of the friend zone, aren't you? It's time to extract yourself and turn that friend into a friend with benefits. Benefits means sex.

Let's take a look at three steps you can take to get out of the friend zone. Fair warning: it isn't going to be easy, particularly if you're still mired in the dregs of betadom. If this is the case, the second step is going to be the hardest.

Step #1: Begin Flirting

Start flirting with her, but don't overdo it. You want to begin cultivating a sexual vibe with her without being incredibly obvious. If you go all out like she's one of the last girls at the bar before closing time, you run the very real risk of freaking her out. If you're in the friend zone, she doesn't see you as a sexual person – too much too soon will make her think you're a creep. So take it easy, but flirt with her here and there.

Step #2: Put Her On Ice



After you've established a certain level of flirtation, you have to ice her out. If you had plans to get lunch or something, you're not going to be able to make it this time to hear her gossip about her work, current male interest, or whatever else she wants to talk to a girlfriend about. This is going to be very difficult for some of you, particularly if you tend to spend a lot of time with the girl. If you can't manage to have minimal contact with her for a period of about two weeks, your chances of getting out of the friend zone are going straight out the window.

Assuming the two of you are relatively close (as friends), you'll probably hear from her before long. You don't have to straight up ignore her calls or texts, but let her know that you're busy. If you have the balls, playfully suggest that she's too needy – the keyword there being “playfully.” You don't want her to think you're an asshole, you want her to realize that your life doesn't revolve around her needs. Don't let yourself get sucked into long conversations or back and forth texting all night. Minimal contact.

There is a reasoning behind this. Essentially, the idea is to subtly inject a new dynamic into the relationship (flirting, as described in step #1), and then cease contact with her for a medium-length period of time after establishing this dynamic. This time of separation will serve two purposes: one, to solidify your personality changes from the always-available beta male “just a friend” to an individual who has his own direction in life (“what if he met a girl?” she'll undoubtedly wonder). And two, to give you the opportunity to reestablish yourself as a potential sexual partner after the break.

Step #3: Amplified Flirtation



After about two weeks have gone by, slowly start hanging out with her again once or twice a week. If your usual activity was watching a Lifetime movie while painting her toenails, suggest going out to eat or to get a drink. It's innocuous enough, but it's a shift from the status quo, which is what this is all about. These new activities will ideally take place at night, since day-dates are for the guys who are her friends.

Each time you hang out with her, slowly amp up your flirtatious vibe and gauge how she reacts. If she seems comfortable and reciprocates, you're moving in the right direction. If you go with her to a nightlife venue or anywhere that you might encounter other girls (including her hot friends), flirt with them and make sure she notices. Jealousy can work wonders.

In a nutshell, that's a rough guideline to the process of removing yourself from the friend zone. Your individual situation will surely have a number of landmines to avoid along the way, so modify the process as necessary, without straying from the three main points. To reiterate: Begin flirting, make yourself scarce, and then begin flirting more forcefully. Eventually you'll want to become more physical with your flirtations, just as if you were picking up a girl you had never met before.

If you sense resistance, cycle the process. Put her on ice for a while, and then begin flirting again. If you find that you just cannot make progress and the girl just flat out isn't interested in you, it might be time to throw in the towel. Be aware that meeting new girls (with whom you have the opportunity to present yourself as a potential love interest and not a good buddy) will most likely be much, much easier than converting a friend zone situation into a sexual relationship.

Alas, you wouldn't be sticking around in the friend zone if the girl didn't have something special (would you?), so give it a try and see what happens – and don't start deluding yourself with this BS about “I don't want to lose her as a friend.” You won't. The reason that's total garbage is because chances are that when you first met this girl you had an interest in her and maybe even flirted a bit, maybe you even expressed it outright and she didn't bite. And yet you're still friends. The worst case scenario from attempting this little project is that you flatter her and stay right in the friend zone. You have literally nothing to lose and everything to gain, so get out there and make your friend who happens to be a girl into your girlfriend.

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