How to Bone a Fat Chick and Get Away With ItBy Mr. America on February 19, 2013 - 7:01 am |
I’m told that once upon time our culture valued women who were fat – it was a sign of luxury and beauty. But our values have certainly changed..
However, even with these changed values, every man faces a point in his life (or many points in his life) when he’s tempted to bone a fat chick. Maybe he’s not particularly good looking, maybe he has a shitty personality, or maybe he has webbed feet with algae growing all over them – there are a million reasons men can’t land skinny or even mildly “curvaceous” women. Additionally, when men struggle through “sex slumps,” they’re often willing to bone anything with a hole that won’t later sue them for rape. Fat chicks, of course, fall into this elite grouping.
Before I continue any further, I’d like to note that I’m not writing this article because I condone boning fat chicks – I think it’s a mortal sin, much like killing another human being or masturbating to pictures of Punky Brewster. However, I am sensitive to the occasional necessity of boning a fat chick (I admit I once boned a girl who weighed over 100 lbs – it was fucking gross), and feel that I have a duty to pass along my knowledge on the subject. Thus, I present you with the three most critical elements in boning a fat chick, and of equal importance, getting away with it.
Put On Your Goggles
If you’re going to bone a fat chick, you need to stop believing that you have standards and just put on your “goggles.” Once these goggles are on, you will gain access to a sea of possibilities that most men would never consider, much less capitalize on. You know who I’m talking about - those humongous girls gorging on chili dogs and reading Harry Potter by the corner of the bar, those chicks with tummies that extend further in their tube tops than their titties, and of course, those insanely fat, depressed-looking broads with the words “If you talk to me, I’ll probably sleep with you” written on their foreheads.
Look, nobody likes being in a situation where they’re trying to bone a fat chick. But if you’ve already realized you’re at McDonald’s, so to speak, don’t waste your time looking at the salads – just order a fucking Big Mac and be done with it.
Don’t Get Suffocated
After you’ve brought home your Big Mac, you need to be tremendously careful about not getting suffocated – physically and emotionally. On the physical front, you need to understand that fat chicks can only control between 80 % – 45% of their bodily motions. Basically, every time a fat chick moves, the fat on her body reacts in any number of directions, much like a reverberation running through a block of Jello. And what’s worse, it takes fat chicks a considerable amount of time to figure out where their fat has actually ended up. Ever wonder why fat chicks always bump into you while walking down the aisle of airplanes, but never say “excuse me?” It’s not because they’re necessarily inconsiderate – they just aren’t capable of keeping track of where their fat is located.
Considering this lack of control, you need to establish a system of signals in case your Big Mac puts you in any physical jeopardy. For example, if she is sitting on your arm and it’s starting to fall asleep, you can pinch her once to indicate mild distress – a yellow warning. Alternatively, if she’s smothering your head and cutting off all oxygen (while attempting to 69, perhaps), you can pinch three times in quick succession – a red warning for immediate attention. Such signals might seem trivial at first, but trust me - they can save lives.
On the emotional front, it’s likely that your fat chick is going to suffocate you, as well. After all, it’s always a joy for a fat chick to sleep with an outsider of the fat community - novelty value aside, it provides her with a tremendous sense of validation, such that she says to herself the following morning, while pouring maple syrup on top of a huge stack of waffles, “Hey, maybe being fat isn’t so terrible after all…” Your fat chick will likely try to connect with you, ask you questions like “So you really think I’m pretty?,” and worst of all, try to set up another time where you guys can “you know, hang or something.” Although there are different schools of thought on whether you should lie to her in these situations, the important thing to remember is that what you say to her doesn’t really matter – she’s knows that she’s fat, and she’s already grateful for you coming over and boning her. In other words, don’t get stressed by her attempts at conversation. Simply finish the burger and get the fuck out of McDonald’s.
Dealing With The Guilt
When a man bones a fat chick, it’s very easy for him to be bothered by guilt. Not only has he betrayed his own supposed “standards,” but if his friends found out that he titty-fucked a girl’s stomach rolls, he knows they’d be extremely disappointed in him. Additionally, some men have trouble living with the lies they may have told their fat chick during the night of passion (ie, “Yes, you’re pretty,” “I’ll call you,” or the tried and true, “No, I’m not drunk.”)
However, although these temptations all seem to be valid, men must place their experience with their fat chick in perspective – it was not so much an exchange between two thinking and feeling human beings as much as a man’s attempt to get over a particularly horny period in his life. Thus, so long as the man doesn’t go back for seconds (and therein validate both her and the experience), then there’s absolutely no reason to fret. If, however, the man does go back for seconds (or more), then his guilt will be appropriate. What’s more – he’ll be no better than the fat chick he boned.
In closing, I hope you use this knowledge prudently, and whenever possible, keep fat chicks at a distance. They might have bigger titties than the average skinny girl, but that doesn’t make the chick any less disgusting (OK, fine, maybe a little bit less…). Also, if you have any cautionary tales about boning a fat chick, or tales that a “friend” may have relayed to you, please share them in the comment section.