How To Approach Women You've Never Met

It's sad, but most guys exist in a world where the only ways to meet women are through friends (ever had someone try and “hook you up” with a girl before, and the result was a total disaster?), his place of employment, and occasionally having sloppy, intoxicated make out sessions with local club rats. If you want to spread your wings and increase your options, you have to learn how to talk to women anywhere – including bars and clubs, but also at the grocery store, a gas station, a shopping mall, or if your inner hipster is truly strong, coffee shops.

You're probably all too familiar with the sinking feeling of dread that slowly builds in your stomach when you consider talking to a hot girl for the first time. Don't feel too bad, because that's entirely normal – even that guy with the strong jawline who wears aviator glasses and an Abercrombie and Fitch t-shirt two sizes too small will get that feeling from time to time. And there's actually a biological reason guys get that feeling. Understanding why can help you to overcome it.

Various “pick up artist” communities that have risen in popularity on the web over the past few years, undoubtedly due to the abortion of a television show on VH1 called The Pickup Artist. Thanks to the disturbing ability to sell out by “Mystery,” or as the ladies call him, Erik von Markovik (seriously), every dude with a faux-hawk and a hard on thinks he's a pickup artist. While 99% of “PUA” material discussed on the web is mostly garbage, some of it is pure gold. The term used within these communities to describe the feeling of discomfort one gets when attempting to speak to an unfamiliar woman is called approach anxiety. Let's briefly examine what causes approach anxiety.

Back when humanity was still living on the savannah, before iPhones and Twitter accounts and a ninth season of Grey's Anatomy (can you believe that shit?), we lived in small groups of people. Families, tribes, whatever you want to call it, these groups were small. That means you grew up in a community of maybe 50 or 100 people. Compare that to the socially global world we live in now. Instead of being limited to 10 or 15 sexually viable, available women, you literally have access to millions of women. So why is it then that you get this feeling, even if you consciously know that you could talk to a girl, screw it up, and never face any consequences for it, let alone have to awkwardly encounter her again? Because, biologically, you're supposed to.

When you're a primitive human who lives in a tiny community of people, people that you depend on for food, protection, and to be your only social contacts (likely for the entirety of your short, brutal life), the ramifications of approaching a potential mate were fucking huge. For starters, you had to worry whether or not Grog also happened to have his eye on the object of your affection, and if she did take a liking to you, were going to get a club to the back of the skull? Worse still, if you did mess things up with a girl, your reputation within this tiny group of people could be destroyed. After that, the likelihood of spreading your genes would be considerably lower. Long story short, we evolved to feel extremely cautious when considering potential mates, something that simply no longer applies in the modern world.

Once you recognize that this feeling is a prehistoric remnant with the sole purpose of salting your game, you can start convincing yourself that you can talk to a girl, and if it doesn't go well, it's no big deal. There really are plenty of fish in the sea after all. Let's go over a few basic things you can do to increase your chances of having a positive encounter with a girl you've never met before. The following are three of the most useful, easy tools you can incorporate into your arsenal.

Time Restraints

Have you ever been somewhere in public when someone you've never seen before comes up to you and demands your attention? Maybe they're friendly, maybe they just need directions or want to know what time it is, but generally the first thoughts that pop up in your mind are: “Who the fuck is this person?” and “When are they going to leave me alone?”

Now imagine that you're a hot chick with a killer rack and that this happens to you ALL the time. An attractive girl is going to immediately put a “shield” up against any guy she's never met before who suddenly comes up to her, even in situations where doing so is the social norm, such as in bars or at parties.

An easy way to put a girl at ease (or anyone, for that matter) is to introduce a time restraint. Essentially, this means you open the conversation by immediately stating that you will be leaving very soon. It shows that you're non-threatening, non-clingy, and that if the encounter is uncomfortable, you'll be gone soon. Some examples might be, “Hi there, I have to go meet my friends in just a second, but do you mind if I get your opinion about something really quick?” or “Hi, I'm just on my way out, but do you know about...” and so on.

Body Language

The subject of body language in conjunction to gender relations is a pretty lengthy topic, but aside from the obvious (don't look like a puppy that's just been smacked with a newspaper) here's something you can start doing immediately. You might be surprised at the results.

When two people are talking, it's fairly common that they will be standing opposite one another. When you approach someone for the first time, standing directly in front of them can be subconsciously construed as a confrontational or “blocking” stance, which is something you want to avoid. Instead, try standing next to the person, shoulder to shoulder. If you aren't creepily close to them, this subtle body language implies that you're “on their side.” It's you and her against the world, instead of you vs. her.

Practice

Just like anything worth doing, becoming comfortable speaking with women you've never met before will take practice. Likely quite a bit of it. Don't look at it as a scary, hard-work type project. Have fun with it. Allow yourself to say stupid things, get flustered, and make an ass out of yourself. If you're enjoying yourself, women will pick up on this vibe. It's a lot better to be a fun-yet-awkward guy rather than putting off a super serious “it puts the lotion in the basket” type vibe.