Hooking Up: The Hot Air Balloon

Although a tub of strawberry scented K-Y, some box wine and a bucket of KFC may be a perfect storm of romance for most of your conquests, it’s not going to cut it this time. You need to stage an event that is equal parts thoughtful, exhilarating and enchanting enough that her panties will go down faster than Oceanic Flight 815. In the immortal words of Bob Dylan, “the answer my friend, is blowin’ in the wind, the answer is blowin’ in the wind.” I present to you, hot air balloon sex.

Granted, the 100-foot high club doesn’t quite have the allure of the mile high club, but the increased privacy and ample leg room make the hot-air balloon a captivating love nest. Before your atmospheric sexscapades can begin however, there are a few key details that must first be taken care of.

Finding Your Ride

First and foremost, you have to find a balloon operator that allows you to go up with your soon to be punctured poontang unsupervised (unless you’re looking for a spit-roast). Assuming you don’t have a balloon operator's license (it would be a lot cooler if you did), your only option is a balloon that is firmly anchored to the ground and spooled slowly upward until you reach the top of your ascent. The bad news is, any notion of slowly drifting over acres of glowing cherry blossoms while you skewer your delighted basket mate is pretty much over. The good news: you’ll still be high enough up to induce a thrill, and close enough to the heavens that only God will hear her counterfeit squeals of bliss.

Last Stumbling Block

I probably should have mentioned this earlier but before you go making any balloon sex reservations, it’s relatively important that you make sure your girl isn’t afraid of heights. Being that high in the air can be an invigorating experience and send goose bumps down her inner thighs if she can handle it. But if she can’t, it won’t be your cock getting wet but your feet after she spews the picnic lunch all over your Nikes. 

Preparations

Tell her your date location is a secret which will really pique her interest. The only stipulation is she needs to wear a skirt or summer dress (for easy access). Make sure you bring a blanket as the basket is full of coarse rope and can be a bit abrasive on exposed skin. Not only that, but it can get a bit chilly up there and a blanket will help you get close to your girl and start stoking the fire growing in her loins.

Safety

Needless to say, a poke in the whiskers at such a high altitude can be a dangerous proposition. The last thing you want is to thrust too hard and send your girl soaring to a naked demise. Aside from that, you also have to worry about the giant torch keeping your balloon afloat. My first suggestion would be to take her doggy style or on her back. If she’s on top and you throw her an extra hard pump, there’s a chance her heavily hairsprayed quaff might catch fire and nothing ruins a sexual encounter like third degree scalp burns. I mean everyone can agree it’s hilarious to watch Michael Jackson flail around with his head on fire -- but your date, not so much. 

Some things in life are well worth the hard work they require. Sex with a gorgeous woman is one of them. That being said, there is still a small chance her legs will remain closed regardless of what lengths you go to. If that’s the case, there is nothing you can do (outside of marriage or a handful of roofies and a bottle of peach schnapps) to make her give up the pussy. My advice for anyone that stumbles onto one of these ladies, pull the pin immediately and waste no further time or money on a losing cause. There are millions of women who will be more than willing to have meaningless sex aboard a gas-filled air-vessel; you just need to find them. Happy ballooning!