Hidden Video Game Dangers

Super Mario Bros. - A joint team of U.S. and Japanese researchers has found that playing Super Mario Bros. greatly increases the risk for brick-smashing-related head and hand injuries, as well as an increasing liklihood that the subject will grow a hot-ass moustache, regardless of age or gender.



Fig 1.  The wounds and moustaches of the common Mario fanatic

The Sims - Many years of research has brought many teams of scientists to the same conclusion:  there is a very high correlation between the amount of time spent playing The Sims and loneliness.

NBA Jam - Studies have conclusively shown a connection between the 1993 release of NBA Jam and an alarming increase in use of the phrase "Boom-shaka-laka."  Untold millions have died. (See Figure 2)

Fig. 2  As you can tell the chart does not lie, Boom-Shaka-Laka = death.

Mike Tyson's PUNCH-OUT!! - The most recent research indicates that those who play Mike Tyson's PUNCH-OUT!! are more than five times as likely to think they can punch out Mike Tyson, and over fifty times as likely to get their brains punched to a fine mist by said bat-shit insane boxer.

Nintendogs - As Nintendogs grows in popularity, real dogs have fallen out of favor, and are beginning to roam in large, feral packs across the Great Plains.  Studies show that being eaten alive by dogs is just awful.

Wii Sports - The superficial dangers of Wii Sports are well known:  repetetive stress injuries and TVs broken by people who apparently can't tell the difference between holding onto something and not holding onto something.  But the true dangers are far more sinister.  Wii Sports fanatics may undergo a metamorphosis to a "virtual jock" persona, a change that can be extremely dangerous for the gamer when it attempts to integrate itself into real jock culture.  Torn underpants are the most frequently occurring social symptom of this devastating culture clash.

Fig. 3  The actual jock easily identifies the virtual jock and catches him unawares.

Animal Crossing - While, scientifically speaking, it is unclear whether any actual harm is perpetuated through playing Animal Crossing, I have heard that playing this game "makes you gay."

Tomb Raider - Data collected since the 1996 release of Tomb Raider seems to suggest that the incidence of grave-robbing has risen sharply.  Also, several dozen young boys have masturbated themselves to death.

Pac-Man - The most recent data suggests that frequent Pac-Man players are more likely to engage in compulsive eating behaviors in imitation of the yellow circle man who eats two different sizes of dots.  The consequences can be dire, as represented by Figure 4 below.

Fig. 4  Pac-Man players before and after playing Pac-Man as represented by Pac-Man