Hi-5: The Many Faces of Jessica Alba

 Written by Anthony Burch

5. The "Sue Storm"

Why is Sue Storm lowest on a list created mainly in anticipation of a Fantastic Four sequel? Two words: contact lenses. It's a proven fact that taking absurdly attractive women and bleaching their hair blonde is a recipe for hotness (see also: Scarlett Johansson), but Alba's hotness in the original Fantastic Four is unfortunately negated by the creepy blue contact lenses she wears throughout the entire film. It's one thing to subtly change a woman's cornea color through lenses -- it's quite another to make her eyes so vibrantly blue that Papa Goddamned Smurf would blush. Granted, the lenses were easy to ignore in the first film; however, if this trailer for the sequel is any indication, pretty much every line Alba delivers will be immediately upstaged solely by the terrifying vibrancy of her eyes. Still, though, if you're big on Aryan-looking chicks, Alba's Sue Storm phase is for you: all the hotness of Alba, without all that messy Mexican heritage.

4. The "Dark Angel"

Ah, yes -- the future ninja look. Though few watched James Cameron's ill-fated show Dark Angel, the few that did usually did so for one simple reason: Alba. The show served as a mixture of noir, cyberpunk, kung fu, and family drama, which led to a dark-haired Alba getting into sticky situations and (as is par for the course in action-heavy TV serials with hot female protagonists) disguising herself in all manner of revealing dresses. What remains interesting about Alba's appearance during the two years of Dark Angel's run was her sudden shift in weight: in season one, Alba was -- how shall we say this -- pleasantly plump. She was still very gorgeous, but she still retained a heapin' helpin' of baby fat. Come second season, however, Alba suddenly lost a metric fuckload of weight* and became the sleek, skinny woman she remains to this day. Fans of the show who preferred a little chub on their heroines were a little disappointed with Alba's sudden weight loss (I begrudgingly include myself in this group), but it nonetheless turned Alba into a much more conventionally attractive, marketable Hollywood hottie. 

3. The "Into the Blue" 

I've been told that, allegedly, this film has a "plot." I've yet to see this theory validated. It could have just as easily been named "90 Minutes of Jessica Alba in a Bikini" and it would have grossed just as much as it did under its current title, if not more. Sporting a belly button ring, a healthy tan, and long, blonde hair, this version of Alba pretty much exemplifies the ultimate So-Cal beach bunny look. Regardless of whether or not beach babes are your "type," this version of Alba is so damned hot that she -- along with Paul Walker, who according to Hollywood must be a male version of Jessica Alba -- managed to hold a crappy film together solely by the power of her abs.

2. The "Idle Hands"

While Idle Hands may very well be one of the most obscure (and least entertaining) films Jessica Alba has ever been in, it also shows her during one of her hottest periods: for the story of a guy whose right hand gets possessed by an evil entity (so, basically, that one scene from Evil Dead 2 where Bruce Campbell fights with his own hand, but extended to 100 minutes), Alba gets almost-boned and almost-killed more times than I'd care to count, and she does so whilst looking stunning. Armed with uncharacteristically cute short hair, a healthy weight (somewhere between her Dark Angel chub and her Sue Storm skinniness), and a generally stunning body, Alba looks pretty damned good. Especially given the fact that in the final act, she spends the majority of her time literally dressed like a scantily clad angel. As in, fake wings, fake halo, underwear, and nothing else. It has to be said that I really kinda miss this version of Alba: as great a body as she has now, her bosoms admittedly looked pretty damn spectacular in Idle Hands, and she pulls off short hair very well. Then again, there's a reason this look is ranked second and not first...

1. The "Nancy"

...And that reason is Nancy Callahan. Skinny little Nancy Callahan. She grew up. She filled out. While Alba's body is more or less identical to the way it looked in Into the Blue, it's definitely gyrating a hell of a lot more. Pretty much every heterosexual male on the planet was disappointed at the fact that Alba refused to go topless for her scenes as exotic dancer Nancy Callahan, but the girl's sheer skill with a lasso almost made us forget the fact that her breasts were still irritatingly hidden behind that latex bra. Almost, anyway. Without question, Alba has never looked better than she did in Sin City, and the cinematography didn't hurt: given the fact that the otherwise black and white film suddenly gets infused with a burst of color everytime she begins dancing, the audience sees Nancy the same way the characters do: as an angel. Nancy's sex-charged gyrations somehow seem pure and wholesome amidst the brutal violence and outright prostitution found in other areas of Sin City. Frank Miller drew Nancy as every man's dream girl. Jessica Alba made those dreams a reality. Except for the part where she's having sex with you.

 *The fuckload, unfortunately, is not present in the English system of measurement