Hi-5: The Hotties of the GI Joe Movie

By Anthony Burch on April 18, 2008 - 9:00 am | Permalink

With the GI Joe movie not-so-quickly approaching for 2009, why not get ready to find out which actresses you'll be ogling when the movie comes out? We endeavor to let you know which hotties will be in the flick, and which have only been rumored. And knowing is half the battle.

 

5. Kristen Bell

 

Having (perhaps unintentionally) established herself as the Nerd Queen with roles in Veronica Mars and Heroes, fanboys across the world hoped -- nay, prayed -- that Kristen Bell would find a part in Stephen Sommer's 2009 adaptation. Given her quasi-villainous turn on Heroes, many pegged her as a potential Baroness. Yet with her all-American "I was a cheerleader but I could still probably beat you up" looks, others thought her a shoo-in for the role of "Scarlett" O'Hara. After all the mental nerd hubbub, what role did Bell actually get?

Uh, how about none of them? Whether by choice or just having never been approached by the producers, you're never gonna see Bell in the Joe movie come 2009. Still, you can always watch her fake orgasms in Forgetting Sarah Marshall and then rewatch the last season Veronica Mars a few times and pretend it'll actually get wrapped up one day. 

 

 

4. Monica Bellucci

 

This is probably one of the only times you'll see Monica Bellucci at anything lower than #3 on a top five list of hot women, and that's only because she isn't going to be in GI Joe, either. She does, however, remain the single greatest possible actress to play The Baroness. There has never been, nor will there ever be, a woman born who can encapsulate the sexy evil of The Baroness like Bellucci. Ever. No matter how good the movie is, and now matter how well the Baroness is portrayed, loyal Joe fanboys and men alike will be unable to resist mentally inserting Bellucci into the role, sadly lamenting her absence (and her bosoms) from every single scene. 

Sometimes, life is unfair.

 

 

3. Karolina Kurkova

 

She's only rumored at this point, but hearing that Victoria's Secret model Karolina Kurkova might be playing Cover Girl is a rumor I can get behind, and masturbate vigorously to. Assumedly, Kurkova's role would probably just be something along the lines of a cameo or an extended cameo -- Cover Girl is too ridiculous a character, even for GI Joe, to carry a lot of dramatic weight -- but seeing a Victoria's Secret angel dressed up as a member of the Real American Heroes (despite not being American) is too awesome a possibility to pass up. Please let this rumor turn out to be true.

 

 

2. Sienna Miller

 

So, yeah. She's the one playing the Baroness. Not bad. She's not Monica bellucci, but Sienna Miller is still pretty damned hot. She continues the Kurkova tradition of appearing in GI Joe despite not being American, and she'll evidently have to dye that blonde hair once filming starts up. One might be tempted to worry about her acting skills, given her more or less lukewarm performances in Stardust and Alfie, until one remembers that she's playing the motherfucking Baroness. Acting ability is preferred, but not really required. Just act hot and evil, and you've more or less earned your paycheck. Miller can probably do both.

 

1. Rachel Nichols

 

Why place Rachel Nichols above Sienna Miller on a list of hot chicks? Why prioritize the protagonist of P2 ahead of an actress who is naked more frequently than she's clothed? Why put the chick who's playing "Scarlett" O'Hara above the one who's playing The Baroness?

 

 

That's fucking why. God damn.


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