Hi-5: The Hottest Animated Ladies of Disney (page 1)

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So what if these foxy ladies of the Magic Kingdom are drawn by the hands of underpaid Korean people or that they aren’t “real” in the traditional sense? Doesn’t mean you can’t pine away and wonder which ones are the foxiest…

Cinderella

There’s certainly something endearing about her underdog story. She’s like “Rudy”, but with tits. Well, more tits. Actually, probably less. Still, Cinderella is the kind of girl you could bring home to mom. She’s well-grounded (other than her magical pumpkin carriages and such) and comes from very humble roots. In fact, before her whole witchcraft “wishing” nonsense, she’d probably have blown you for a cheeseburger and new bristles for her broom.

Girls like Cinderella are why Disney movies are awesome. If Cinderella existed in real life, she’d probably have a goiter on the side of her face, clothes from the Salvation Army, and she’d probably be a Mexican immigrant who pronounces her name “Cinder-ey-a”.

Tinkerbell

I don’t care that she’s the size of my penis or, at most, the size of Lexington Steele’s, there’s a real value in fucking Tinkerbell. Sure it seems physically impossible, but she’s got fairy dust and shit, I’m sure she can figure it out. Unrelated, but look at that photo above…did you ever realize as a child that Tinkerbell had such a fat ass? Seriously, in terms of proportions it’s absurd. If she were full-sized, that thing would be the size of a watermelon.

I guess it’d be kind of awkward to be seen in public with her but that’s the small price you have to pay for being able to FINALLY recreate the sex scene that was cut out from the original version of King Kong.

Pocahontas

Pocahontas probably has the nicest body of any Disney character (suck it, Jessica Rabbit), presumably harnessed through years of maize and peace pipes. She’s the daughter of a powerful Chief, yet she’s totally willing to throw a beneficial marriage to a proud warrior away just to get some strange from John Smith. It’s touching. Unless you were part of her tribe. Then it’s sort of like, “Thanks for selling us out, Land O’ Lakes.”

Added bonus for dating Pocahontas: No worrying about a break-up. Just get her a blanket for her anniversary, rub it all over some sick kid, ta da! Hello, bachelorhood!

Ariel

Now this is a tricky one because I’m sure you’re thinking what I’m thinking: How can a woman without a vagina possibly be of any use? Well, the answer is…yeah, she’s probably not. But you have to admire a woman with the courage to throw a couple of clamshells on her breasts and call it her casual attire.

Double bonus: You can eat all her delicious friends and then tell her that they just went on some magical journey filled with whimsy and wonder. She’d probably just smile and go, “Oh that is so nice!” then flop around on land for a bit before you have to dump her back in the kiddie pool you need to keep in your bedroom so she can live. At least it doesn’t smell like fish when it’s underwater.

Jessica Rabbit

She’s probably been talked about so much that it’s past the point of overrated. In fact, I’ve always wondered what’s under those bangs of hers? My guess: The most vicious case of eye herpes the world has ever seen.

But you can’t underscore the hotness of a cartoon skank so sexy that she can get women like Heidi Klum and porn ho Gianna Michaels to have emulated her. Or that she’s so sexy that people felt compelled to create an image of what she would look like in real life:

But while all these other Disney gals were palling around with handsome leaders among men, Jessica Rabbit was all about Roger Rabbit. Her commitment to furry, silly cock is really something that should either be admired. Or abhorred. Either/or. But if Roger hit it, hey, maybe there’s a chance for you too.