Hi-5: The Hottest Actresses Who Need to Work More (page 1)

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Hollywood is a tough place sometimes.  No matter how hot you are and how capable you may be at uttering a complete sentence, you might not be able to find leading roles.  And with Hollywood being as gay as ever, the casting couch isn’t going to get you anywhere than an awkward stare from a befuddled executive at Paramount.  Here are five chicks we can hope find their way back into the big or small screen.

Lacey Chabert

IMDB would lead you to believe that Lacey Chabert is one of the most prolific young actresses in Hollywood.   But unless you caught such classics as the serial-killer-in-a-sorority-house tour de force Black Christmas or the critically acclaimed The Untitled Liz Meriweather Project, you might not be seeing as much Lacey as you like. 

It’s a travesty.  Of all the Party of Five castmates, Jennifer Love Hewitt and her ever plumping body have a regular gig on CBS’s Ghost Whisperer, Matthew Fox is a superstar actor on ABC’s Lost and the dude who played Bailey is probably jerking off somewhere for money, so everyone else has really notable roles going.  But meanwhile poor Lacey is at home, waiting for the phone to ring, forced to do voicework for a Spiderman cartoon.  Having a chick who looks like Lacey Chabert do voicework for a cartoon is like having a child piano prodigy and booking him as a Jerry Lee Lewis tribute band.

Elisha Cuthbert 

 
I remember the good ol’ days of Fox hit 24.  Jack Bauer was sawing the heads off of people and breaking people’s necks while vaulting off the walls of the LA Coliseum.  And Elisha Cuthbert played his somewhat dimwitted, always getting in trouble daughter Kim Bauer.  But not just any trouble…she wound up falling in love with a man who kidnapped her, got caught in a bear trap, put on a wig to impersonate someone else’s daughter, was sort of held hostage by Johnny Drama, and, oh yeah…wore a sheer tank top for the amusement of millions who took a break from masturbating to Jack Bauer to masturbating to her.

And now she’s doing stuff like blogging for the NHL’s Web site while simultaneously intaking the semen of any man missing a tooth and wielding a hockey stick.  She’s shown glimpses of talent.  In fact, her performance in The Girl Next Door was funny and heartwrenching at times.  And if a hot actress playing a porn star and not showing her tits can make me feel something other than anger and subsequent throwing of Jujubes at the screen, I’d say that’s truly a feat worth recognizing. 

Eliza Dushku 

 
If you asked me to name one movie or TV show Eliza Dushku has done, I think I could name Buffy the Vampire Slayer off the top of my head and…I dunno, the Jetsons?  Seriously, I can’t think of any reason why Eliza Dushku is famous beyond the fact that I’d fuck her.  But you really have to marvel at the fact that she’s done so well for herself.  It’s really quite an accomplishment for a woman with average sized breasts who hasn’t done a reality show where she has to win the affections of a prince who was once a frog or some shit.

Now I’m not saying Eliza Dushku should be coming to terms with things in a highbrow indie film.  I’m not even saying she should be playing an editor’s assistant on some hopelessly mediocre NBC show.  But I think she should at least be getting her throat slit after fucking some random frat guy in the Friday the 13th remake or something.  A woman of her caliber deserves nothing but the best.

Nikki Cox 

 
Yeah, she may sort of look like a duck crossed with an orangutan right now.  But you know what, she’s an amazingly-breasted duck crossed with an orangutan.  I would take a trip to the Island of Dr. Moreau to fuck her.

I don’t really have a whole lot to say about Nikki Cox; she has great tits and used to be really pretty.  But I did love the show Unhappily Ever After.  It was like Married with Children but with a talking stuffed bunny, which is exactly what Married with Children needed.  But that show didn’t serve as a launching pad for Nikki, leaving her only other major gig as playing some whore on NBC’s Las Vegas.  I guess it proves the old adage that everyone from Robert Evans to Kathie Lee Gifford has adhered to: If you fuck Bobcat Goldthwait, you must immediately relinquish any and all fame. 

Leelee Sobieski 

 
Leelee strikes me as not only the hottest chick who could also share a name with a Pokemon (until a half-black/half-Asian hip hop ho named Pikachu enters the limelight in the next few years) but also as one of those chicks who takes herself way seriously.  I can’t say I’ve ever actually seen her “act” but I look into her eyes and I could just imagine her telling a director that she doesn’t quite understand her motivation, then saying that she “learned a lot from her character” in any interviews about a movie. 
 
Notwithstanding the fact that Leelee Sobieski may be the cuntiest cunt to ever cunt up Cuntsville,  she’s got quite a spectacular rack.  She’s also got an Amazonian thing that really appeals to me.  Is it so much to ask that a woman can put me in a papoose after I ejaculate onto her?  I think not. 
 
Not to float any unrealistic ideas out there, but I’m more than willing to direct a remake of Caged Heat starring these five ladies.  The girls would get make some money and work again, I can finally find a job that combines my love of campy flimmaking and excellent breasts, and dozens of broomsticks find their starring roles in the numerous broomstick-sodomy scenes I will have inserted into the script.  Everybody wins!