Hi-5: The Five Hottest Celeb Chicks Who You Know Are All Natural (page 1)

Scarlett Johansson

Yes, she’s probably extremely overhyped, but there’s something to be said for a woman so hot that she can make a gay man obsess over her breasts to the point of making everyone uncomfortable.  You haven’t seen so much joy on Isaac Mizrahi’s face since he stumbled into the 3rd Annual Glory Hole Convention (Sponsored by Hank’s Glory Holes: Because when you need relief but want to hide your shame, you turn to Hank). 

You also needn’t look further than Scarlett Johansson’s “interesting” past to see why she’s so hot.  She’s rumored to have fucked Benicio Del Toro in an elevator, had slightly inappropriate texts with President-elect Barack Obama, and even have dabbled in lesbianism.  She’s the kind of girl who’s all stuck up at first but then, after a couple margaritas, is talking about that time she got ass-fucked by three guys on the basketball team during halftime of the big game against Carver High.  They “had a dream” too, friends. 

Rachel Bilson 

You could have a basket filled with puppies, adorable children, and Japanese anime characters (ideally ones not involved in tentacle rape) and I’d still say that Rachel Bilson is ten times cuter.  I’d also wonder what kind of creep you are for carrying a basket like that around, but that’s what Megan’s Law is for. 

She’s probably like 5 feet tall and has a petite yet not too sickly slender body.  I’d be willing to guess that fucking Rachel Bilson would be like finding a thousand dollars on the floor while eating a cheeseburger as angels tickle your balls and play harpsichords with their wings.  So yeah, entirely implausible. 

Jessica Biel 

 
Ever since she was an 18 year-old breaking away from her family show 7th Heaven to pose nude for some random magazine no one’s ever heard of, I knew Jessica Biel was the one for me.  Nevermind the fact that her being in that magazine is, to this day, her biggest accomplishment and ignore the fact that I’d rather give myself papercuts with that magazine than ever have to see the movie Elizabethtown again and…uh…I don’t know where I was going with this but, well, she’s got a great ass. 

And when I say great ass, I mean epic ass.  Like the kind of ass that little CGI elves would fight over in some overproduced trilogy of films.  The kind of ass that should serve as a relic in an Indiana Jones film.  The kind of ass that may be the only one to satiate a hungry Justin Timberlake’s appetite. 
 
Also she’s kind of jacked and could probably beat up any men being mean to you, so that’s a double bonus. 

Monica Bellucci

I’m not sure if you guys ever saw the movie Irreversible, but it was a much buzzed about 2002 French film that had some Oscar hype.  The gist was that the film was going backwards through time chronicling a relationship and some awful things around it.  Anyway, in the film, there’s a scene in which Monica Bellucci’s character is anally raped for nine minutes. 
 
Now don’t get me wrong; anal rape is an awful thing for anyone to be subjected to once they get out of the choir or get five badges as a Boy Scout.  But it’s all fake, so it can’t be <em>entirely</em> wrong to be slightly aroused by seeing Monica Bellucci’s big, Italy-bred ass on screen for that long is it?  And that’s why the film didn’t win any awards.  The Academy does not give awards for Most Confusing Erections.  At least not until Judi Dench does a sex scene in one of the Bond films. 

Megan Fox

 
It’s easy to find yourself sick of Megan Fox because she’s EVERYWHERE on the Internet these days despite having accomplished nothing besides making out with Shia Labeouf and acting fairly nonplussed by giant robots battling feet away from her.  But then you actually look at her and go, “Aw shucks, it’s okay.”  In fact, she could probably kick my grandmother into an incinerator immediately after shitting into my bowl of Waffle Crisp nd I’d have the same reaction. 
 
There’s just something about her.  She’s not the most beautiful woman alive and she has completely fucking retarded tattoos and she’s engaged to arguably the least likeable male from 90210, but there’s something intangible there beyond just good looks and a hot body.  Perhaps a charming sluttiness that, somehow, seems attainably unattainable.  And isn’t that all we ask from our celebrity women, really?