12.05.08 From the Viking
Hi-5: The 5 Hottest Chicks With Completely Stupid Names (page 1)
Check out more of BOHChris' work at www.BlogofHilarity.com!
There are few things harder than dating a chick with a weird name. Every time you’re in bed and have to say it and break out into giggles or awkwardness, it kind of kills the mood. Here are the five with the best looks and worst names.
*Note I’m excluding non-UK/US/Australian foreigners from this list because then every other foreigner’s name sounds ridiculous to my delicate American ears.
Poppy Montgomery
This Australian-born “Without a Trace” actress got her name because her parents named her and her other sisters after flowers (her brother got named after rock band Jethro Tull, leaving him to get beaten up daily by childhood classmate Metallica Jackson). Fortunately for Poppy, her parents weren’t particularly well-read so they couldn’t name her after the extremely rare Cuntlilly.
All I’m saying is that I’m kind of glad I’m not fucking Poppy Montgomery because I promised that I’d never shout “Ay Poppy” during sex ever since I got out of that prison in Mayaguez.
Soleil Moon Frye
Former child star of “Punky Brewster” Soleil was born in America but her parents are douchebags who thought that naming her daughter the French word for “sun” was a great idea. And you know, maybe on its own, it would be. But “Sun” Moon? You can have one thing that the Earth orbits, that’s fine. But two? That’s just greedy.
Soleil also committed an awful atrocity against God and Earth by getting a breast reduction at the age of 15. Why not just making the sun burn less bright or the waters taste like clown penis? It’s basically doing the same thing. By making breasts smaller, you’re basically spitting in God’s face and saying, “Hey Beardo, you don’t know what you’re fucking doing.” Conversely by making your breasts larger you’re saying, “I’m pretty awesome.” Funny how that works.
Leighton Meester
You kind of have to cut “Gossip Girl” star Leighton Meester some slack because her birth was unfortunate. She was born to two druggies who were in a drug smuggling ring and born while her mother was still serving a ten year jail sentence. So her stupid name is probably the least of her concerns when you think about the fact that she could have ended up getting shanked in the womb because her mom wouldn’t give up her peach cobbler to a big black woman named Laqwonda.
With that in mind, there’s no excuse for having an awful last name that sounds like something a stereotypical Mexican child would say and a first name that sounds like a man who enjoys playing squash and selling put options. Either that or she sounds like a Pokémon. And she sounds like an extremely pretentious Pokémon at that, one who probably wears an ascot and refuses to stay in standard Pokéball accommodations. Squirtle will always resent you, Meester. You think you’re better. But you’re not.
Keeley Hazell
Her name has a cuteness attached to it, but that’s mostly mental because she’s smoking hot. If the name had no masturbation-related predisposition attached to it, I’d think her name would belong to one of Harry Potter’s androgynous friends who’s always engaging in both whimsy and wonder. Also homosexuality. But she’s got a great body so we pretend it’s all cool and Dumbledore’s throbbing erections must go to other areas of Hogwarts.
In fact, Keeley Hazell might have the most awesome body on the planet. And, on top of that, she has an unflinching willingness to show it off; She’s been posing naked for like 4 years, has already released a sex tape and she’s only 22. At this rate, horsegag will be the only fitting place for her career to go by the time she celebrates her 28th birthday.
Abi Titmuss
I’ll leave the inherent hilarity of her name to the intelligent satirists at Wikipedia:
Abigail Evelyn Titmuss, best known as Abi "Tit"muss, (born 8 February 1976 in Ruskington, Lincolnshire) is an English nurse, turned glamour model, television personality and actress.
It’s clever because she has large breasts! Good thing that someone pointed that out! I’d never get that otherwise! Oh man. My sides. They’re split.
I don’t know what this says about me, but every time I see her name, I don’t make the breast connection at first glance (though it’s fairly obvious after you see her and thoughts of motorboats glide through your head for hours). I always think of a “titmouse” when ever I see her name. And there’s no bonerbreaker bigger than thinking about leaping into the air shrieking like a girl because you saw a titmouse. I’m not saying it’s a logical progression, but it’s there.
Anyway I’d still fuck them all but is it so much to ask that every hot chick change her name to Becky Smith? I think not.
Share this on Digg, Facebook, Stumbleupon, etc.
And no to Oscar, Matty wanted to go out with Old Dirt Bastard, but ODB turned him down.
The Earth does only orbit one thing-the sun. The moon orbits the Earth.
Kroes is a fairly common Dutch name. Doutzen is not. In fact I had never heard of it before she emerged.
That is probably because it is a Frisian name. Friesland (pronounced Freezeland) is a part of the Netherlands where people think they're different and therefore a little better then the rest of us. They have their own socalled language and they name their daughters Doutzen, for instance. But an unusual name is not the same as a stupid name, Bear.
Want to write a comment?
