Hi-5: The 5 Hottest Celebs Who’d Make Perfect Elves (page 1)

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Everyone has a fetish where they pretend to be Santa having an inappropriate encounter with an elf.  Wait, you don’t?  Well, fine.  Anyway, here are the 5 hottest celebs who’d make perfect little elves in that fantasy.

Hayden Panettiere

A lot of people like Hayden Panettiere…I think she’s okay.  She’s 5’1 but she’s also got sort of a stocky build to her.  That said, sex with her would pretty awesome because according to the documentary Heroes, her body can heal itself instantaneously meaning that every time you have sex POW new hymen.  She’s also kind of built like a horse jockey so that’s cool.

Isla Fisher

Any girl who pulls off funny, crazy, and sexy like the 5’1 Isla Fisher did in Wedding Crashers is worth a thorough fucking.  There’s something to be said for a woman that can make you laugh and fear for your life while you’re ejaculating.  She’s also married to Sasha Baron Cohen in real life so you know that she enjoys a bit of wackiness in the bedroom.  I’d be surprised if they hadn’t had sex while he was in character at some point in their relationship.  Girls, you can’t truly say you’ve loved someone until they’ve called your vagina a “wizard’s sleeve”. 

Carmen Electra

The 5’0 former Playboy Playmate just kind of seems like a dirty whore to me.  I guess marrying Dave Navarro would do that, but then again, he’s probably just a total sissy who likes to cry at night because it’s so difficult being a wealthy rock star.  But I look at Carmen Electra and I just see a girl who doesn’t mind a load on the face.  And that’s what’s really important to me in this crazy work-a-day world of ours.

Kristen Bell

Kristen Bell hasn’t really done a whole lot but she’s done a tremendous job of getting attention for a woman without breasts.  The 5’0 star of nerd-favorite Veronica Mars has been in Maxim and AskMen’s hot whatever-fucking-number-lists countless times.  She was even named World’s Sexiest Vegetarian in PETA’s 2006 list (did you know PETA had a “Sexiest Vegetarian List”?  More importantly, is it all just chicks who don’t shave their pits and go to Lilith Fair after about, say, the first 5?).  So yeah, I guess the real point is that, for her, pretending to be an elf while being tagged is probably the biggest role she’s had in her career.

Jessica Simpson

Jessica Simpson is my favorite type of girl.  She’s dumb, blonde, needy, and she has big boobs.  And at 5’2, she’s more than short enough to take the mantle as my favorite busty elf.  She’d probably insist on singing Silent Night or some shit while in costume, which is fine because I’d put in those pointy toed boots that WWE legend the Iron Sheik used to wear to make her feel bad about herself and even things out for making me listen to her stupid warbling.  Relationships are all about equality.  Unfortunately at the ripe old age of 28, she’s getting old enough where she should be relegated to only playing Mrs. Claus since women are basically as valuable as a Sacajawea after they’re over 25. 

And with that I wish a happy holiday to all of you, including but not limited to those celebrating Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, and Robonukkah.  Athiests, happy end of December to you too.