Hi-5: The 5 Hottest Celebs Who Could Have Been Prostitutes (page 1)December 12, 2008 - 11:33 am |
Check out more of BOHChris' work at www.BlogofHilarity.com!
People say the only difference between an actress and a hooker is a script. Okay, no one says that, but nonetheless, here are five singers and actresses who, if not for a break or two, would be blowing you for bus fare.
I know what you’re thinking. How could a talented songstress who wasn’t quite good enough to stay in Diddy’s megagroup Danity Kane possibly in the running for a girl who could have been a prostitute? Is it the possible lesbianism? Or is it the fact she claims to
There was a time when Heather Graham was considered a rising star by the sorts of people who predict such things (read: the gays and the Jews). One small problem: Other than a decent set of implants masquerading as real breasts, there wasn’t a whole lot of acting ability in her body. The reality is that the most believable job she’s ever done was when she was playing a porn slut on a pair of rollerskates. And art imitates life. All I’m saying is that if you throw a $50 at her along with a pair of rollerskates, you may find yourself on the end of a fine transaction. And you’ll get to let her relive her greatest moment of fame. So really, it’s a favor to her. And I always say charity is very important, so long as you’re not helping poor people.
Katy Perry isn’t what one would call talented in the traditional sense. She also began her career as a Christian singer after growing up in a Christian household. So if she hadn’t come up with a catchy little song about social lesbianism, there’s a decent chance she’d have to rebel in other ways. And what better way can you rebel than taking her natural gifts and sliding the penises of strange men in between them? I guess she could date a black guy, but that wouldn’t be very profitable, now would it?
There’s no greater tale of redemption than a child star who was once beloved by millions turning out to be a drug-addled sex fiend or a sex-addled drug fiend. Marcia from The Brady Bunch, Dana Plato from Different Strokes. Wait did I say redemption? I meant shame. Yes. Shame. There’s also a certain poeticism to Elzabeth Berkley, who once played radical femisit Jessie Spano on Saved by the Bell, forced to sell her body to make ends meet. And, frankly, if she were taking cumshots for hundred dollar bills, it’d probably be a step up from Showgirls. It’s not the best thing for your career when Gina Gershon can act you off of a screen.
Pink would not be a high priced call girl. She would not be a stripper who’s willing to blow you in the Champagne Room. No. Pink would be the dirty whore being turned out in an alleyway, occasionally giving a rimjob to a homeless guy who was really smart with his investments (buying cheap booze and pouring it into more expensive bottles is basically the hobo equivalent of being a stockbroker who’s been particularly savvy with puts and calls). And if teen angst in the form of pop music hadn’t been so popular in the late 90s, we might have never gotten to know Pink. On the plus side, she could have just used her stage name while hooking. That’s convenient and allows you to save money on new IDs. Fiscal responsibility is important in a recession.
So what whores did I leave out? I can barely keep track any more. Leave yours in the comments.