Hi-5: The 5 Hottest Best Actress Winners (page 1)

Sophia Loren

Sophia Loren was pretty much at the apex of her hotness when she won an Oscar for foreign film Two Women in 1961 (she was 27)  Perhaps more so than any woman alive, she was epic hot for pretty much the majority of her life.  In fact, you’d probably have fucked her three years ago when she was 72.  Granted, it’d probably feel like fucking an overcooked steak attached to a basset hound, but it’d still probably be pretty okay.  Plus I’m pretty sure that by fucking a septuagenarian, you can exempt yourself from paying Social Security tax for a year. A clip from her performance:

Halle Berry

I’m not entirely sure why Halle Berry won an Oscar in 2001 for Monster’s Ball.  The crux of her acting was making it appear as though she really enjoyed Billy Bob Thornton tagging her from behind.  And while that’s certainly admirable and possibly deserving of an AVN for Best Interracial Doggy Scene, it doesn’t really justify winning an Oscar.  Halle Berry being the first black chick to win a Best Actress Oscar is basically the equivalent of if Flavor Flav had somehow won this past election and become the first black President.  Sure, it’s an accomplishment, but you’re probably not the most deserving candidate to break through.  Unfortunately, Halle hasn’t been able to recreate her Oscar success despite stirring turns in films like Catwoman, Gothika, and that James Bond movie where she was all saucy and such. A clip from her performance:

Jane Fonda

Jane Fonda won two Academy Awards for her work in movies in the 70s that I’ve never heard of but, if I can assume based upon my knowledge of history, probably revolved around disco and furry vaginas.  She also won several more awards in the category of “Fitness Video Your Dad Probably Masturbated to the Most”, which is probably one of those technical Oscars given out off-camera.  Her second Academy Award was not without controversy since it came a couple years after her infamous “Hanoi Jane” incident in which she went to Vietnam and allowed several Vietcong soldiers to recreate the US’s napalm attacks with viscous white liquids used in place of fire.  Though the war soldiered on, Jane Fonda’s involvement reminded us that we can all be brought together by universally accepted hot pieces of ass. A clip from her performance:

Hilary Swank

Hilary Swank won an Oscar in 1999 for her portrayal of a female transsexual in Boys Don’t Cry.  In the film, Hilary played a woman who dressed up like a man and somehow convinced a bunch of dudes and a chick, who would become her girlfriend, that she’s a guy despite her big luscious breasts that you could still see under all the flannel and KD Lang t-shirts.  She’s also responsible for a pretty awkward rape scene where you’re supposed to be sad but instead you’re like, “Wow, there’s Hilary Swank nude but she’s still kind of dressed like a guy” and your penis starts moving like a perpetual motion machine out of confusion.  Anyway she’s pretty hot, so her shenanigans were for naught and I will continue to objectify her as previously planned. A clip from her performance:

Charlize Theron

Charlize Theron took a page out of Hilary Swank’s book to win her 2003 Oscar for her performance in Monster.  In the film, Charlize played an ugly prostitute-turned-serial killer named Aileen Wuornos, a part which required hours of make-up to make Charlize fit the character physically.  The film also uglied up Christina Ricci, who played Charlize’s lesbian lover in the film.  So basically Hollywood turned a film about these two hot bitches playing prostitutes who bump donuts on the side into an atrocity where they both look like zombie truck drivers.  And then rewarded this series of unfortunate events with awards instead of the castrations or mass genocide it deserved.   Thanks again, cockblocking liberal media. A clip from her performance: