Hi-5: Hottest Chicks In Condiment Ads

 

French's GourMayo Flavored Mayonnaise Girls

 

When you're pushing a product with a name like "GourMayo Flavored Mayonnaise," you have to do anything to take consumer's mind off how disgusting the whole thing sounds. So some "brilliant" copywriters came up with the idea of having models parade around with sandwiches. Enter the French's Girls. I guess they're trying to get you to focus on the "gourmet" aspect of the word GourMayo by throwing down a catwalk in the middle of the grocery store and having the French's girls walk down the runway in slinky dresses, bottles of GourMayo in hand.

And it ALMOST works, except that every time the product gets too close to the camera, my stomach turns. But the way these sluts are grab-handing the cock-shaped GourMayo package certainly gets me going. Now I didn't say it gives me a full on flap-pole, but I'd concede mamacitas are inspiring some half-mast action. Which is outstanding for a mayonnaise commercial.

Coleman's Dominatrix

 

I do not, for the life of me, understand this ad. Is it that this wimp is using the wrong mustard until his wife turns into a dominatrix and forces him to finally grow up and use some Coleman's? Is that chick even the same one as his wife? And is anyone else with me here that his wife was way hotter before she turned all "Bound" on us? Like, sure, the hot dogs might have runny mustard on 'em, but at least dude can expect to get a blowjob and some sweet conversation from his boo. But I might be the wrong guy... getting kicked with razor sharp stilettos has NEVER gotten me off. Maybe we should ask Tom Breihan what he thinks about this ad instead.

Sugar In The Raw Girl

 

This ad, however, is perfect. It accurately depicts what it's like to use Sugar In The Raw. It DOES transform your drink in the same way that a hot shower, makeup and some plastic surgery and transform your wife. It's really fucking good sugar. Not sure what else to say.

P.S. I beat off to sugar.

Tomato Sauce Bitch

 

Though there's no dialogue in this ad, the message is clear--this bitch thinks she knows class... and she doesn't. Because the waiter pulls a fast one on her ass and puts Rosella Tomato Sauce in her bloody Mary as opposed to, I dunno, the liquid distilled from Peruvian infant hymens or something. Which is what I'm assuming this bitch-ass trick wishes was in her drink.

But again, she's hot as hell, so it's all good. If she was a fat chick demanding some special kind of drink at the pool? C'mon now. She'd have a face full of Rosella Tomato Sauce faster than the Scatman can say "Beeedeedle dee dop weee dop bop."

Sexy French Honey Girl

 

Okay, this one I legitimately beat off to. I'm imagining her finger is my penis and the honey is my splooge. This is a fun game. You should also pretend her finger is my penis. Wait... stop thinking about my penis.

Leave it to the French to make a sexually risque honey ad. As some of you may know, this month is "French" month at Double Viking, which means at 3:30 every day we post a video of a hot French chick. We've done this for Brazil, Italy, England and Russia and I have to say French month is the hardest. But not because there aren't any steamy, sexually charged videos of French chicks out there.

Au contraries (pun intended, duh). The problem is that every French hottie I look up is either in a video fully clothed or in a video completely naked, from toosh to bush. That's because the French, it appears, don't fuck around. Like with this ad... fuck sexual innuendo. The French are like "We just wanna see a hot chick fuck a bee, please." Which is basically how this ad ends... the little bugger is getting ready to ram rod Ms. Honey doggystyle.

Man, I want some honey right now.