Hi-5: Hot Weather Girls

What I wouldn't give to be a brown turtleneck right now. Jackie Johnson looks the way Sean Hannity wishes Ann Coulter looked; she's pulls off the quasi-70's-style blonde hair really well, and despite (or perhaps because of) the fact that she dresses like a sexy kindergarten teacher, manages to make cold fronts at least marginally interesting. Jackie Johnson is an all-American sorta name, and she's got all-American sorta good looks; sunny, pretty, and cheerleader-ish.

And hot. Don't forget hot. 

4. Jill Nicolini

Look into Jill Nicolini's eyes, and you can see a soul that absolutely despises the science of meteorology. She hates telling viewers about the traffic on the interstate, and she'd kill someone if it meant she didn't have to dance to "Soulja Boy" alongside her aging co-worker. 

Jill looks like she's about ten thousand dollars and three years away from running to a career in softcore pornography.

We would wholeheartedly endorse this decision. Nicolini has the sort of ethnically ambiguous, but universally appealing features that the most, shall we say, "efficient" porn stars possess. Whether you're into white or brown chicks, Nicolini's got what you're after.

3. Ariane Brodier

Apart from having a name that looks like a rather disturbing feminization of "Adrien Brody," Ariane Brodier has three main things going for her:

1. She's French, and therefore speaks in the Sexiest Language Ever roughly 24/7.

2. She's got a surprisingly large chest, for being so skinny.

3. She's French. 

One cannot possibly understate the importance of having a sexy voice while talking about such boring-ass subjects as permafrost and humidity, so it definitely helps to have an alluring, foreign accent to spice up what might other be a pretty humdrum round of meteorology. 

2. Jackie Guerrido

 Granted, Spanish isn't quite as sexy as French, but look at that woman dance. This isn't a clip from whichever Telemundo news show Jackie Guerrido belongs to -- I'm not sure what actual show the above video is from, but the sparkliness of the set would lead me to believe its title includes some combination of the words "super" and "Sabado" -- but she's dancing really goddamn sexily. Would you REALLY rather see her pointing at a bunch of clouds?

Visually, Jackie Guerrido has a sort of self-awareness that many of the other women on this list; she knows she's only in the weather game as a stepping stone for her acting career, and she knows people are only interested in her for T & A rather than H & L.

"H & L" was supposed to mean "highs and lows."

It sounded cleverer in my head. 

1. Sugey Abrego

Jesus CHRIST. Speaking the language she is, and given the spectacularly large bosoms she's been blessed with, one would expect Sugey to be sitting in a poorly-built hospital soap opera set, wearing a nurse's uniform and crying incessantly to someone named Fernando.

Sugey Abrego is balls-out hot enough to be a "star" of some sort -- porn star, soap star, movie star, whatever. I mean, it's almost unfair to put her on a list like this; the other girls are really attractive, but they're mainly spectacular when compared against other weatherwomen; Abrego, however, is goddamn spectacular by any scale of hotness.

JESUS.