Hi-5: Five Women You'd Fight Zangief For

5. Xenia Onatopp

Xenia Onatopp, the femme fatale from Goldeneye played by Famke Janssen, is only low on this list because she's (A) not really played by a Russian chick, and (B) fictional. Real or not, though, Xenia brought countless male members of Generation Y into sexual maturity; midway through an otherwise by-the-numbers Bond flick, good ol' Ms. Onatopp single-handedly (or should I say, single hip-edly) commits the most boner-inducing murder ever committed to celluloid.

Midway during coitus with a balding foreign dude, Xenia -- at the moment of climax, of course -- crushes him to death with her hips. When Xenia squares off against Bond twenty minutes later in the attached scene, most men have a hard time deciding whether they want Bond to actually win their little "fight." On the one hand, he lives, but doesn't get to have sex with her. On the other hand, he dies happier than most of us will ever be.

Fun fact: the YouTube user who uploaded the above video is named "OnatoppSaunaFan." So, there's that.

4. Sasha Pivovarova

I suddenly feel the urge to buy a shitload of shoes. 

Saha Pivovarova (get used to names ending in -ova from here on out) has big, innocent doe eyes of the sort you don't see on too many American women; she constantly looks like a deer in headlights, but the sort of deer you'd want to swerve to avoid right before exiting your car and ferociously making out with it. 

Should you endeavor to Google her for more pictures, beware -- she can look really cute or really awkward, depending on how insane and/or self-indulgent her designer is. Just a word of warning.

3. Natalia Vodianova

Looking not entirely unlike a combination of Denise Richards and Cindy Crawford, Natalia Vodianova possesses universal good looks that would have certainly made her some sort of Hollywood star, had only she been born there. I guess we'll just have to settle for her being yet another foreign-and-kinda-mysterious-because-of-it supermodel who remains spectacularly hot despite the fact that she's had, like, three kids.

Assuming she married anyone halfway attractive, one can only imagine how hot the children will be.

2. Karolina Kurkova

Technically, she's from the Czech Republic, but hey -- a Russkie by any other name, right? Aesthetically, one of the most unique things a Russian girl can do -- and there's no way to phrase this without sounding like a xenophobic asshole, so I won't even try -- is to look like she's not from Russia. As attractive as women like Sahsa Pivovarova are, they still often have telltale facial characteristics which absolutely scream "Eastern European." Not that there's anything wrong with that, of course -- it's just that not everybody finds Eastern Europeans attractive.

Everybody does find Victoria's Secret Angels attractive, however, and Karolina Kurkova most certainly falls into that category. Looking at her, you'd assume Kurkova was Austrian or German -- one of those countries where they breed tall blondes by the crateful. She's got universal good looks which transcend her nation of origin, thus making her much more appealing to a much greater group of people.

1. Eva Herzigova

Even better than total ethnic anonymity, however, is possessing just enough facial features from your respective heritage to appear international and mysterious and dignified, only to also possess a -- what's the word? -- slammin' body which anyone of any sexual taste can appreciate.

Eva Herzigova has the jawline of what you'd assume to be a typical Czech dame, but far more subtle. Rather than making her look like just another Russian model, Herzigova's Eastern European features highlight her more ubiquitously gorgeous qualities; her eyes, her hair, her body. She looks just universal enough to be undeniably attractive, and just specifically ethnic enough to increase that attractiveness by a factor of ten.

Special Honorable Mention Medal of Valor Award goes to... 

Anna Kournikova. For simply being the hottest tennis player who ever lived.