Hi-5: Five Women Worth Cutting off a Hand For

Kelly Brook

32E-24-35. Those numbers (her body measurements, for those of you who don't get out much) are really all you need to know about Kelly Brook. She was voted the most beautiful body in all of Britain by Grazia magazine, and it's no surprise why: the woman is built. In addition to her British accent (always a plus), she occasionally "acts," if you consider starring in films like School for Seduction (where she basically plays a character who stands around, looks hot, and seduces everything within a three mile radius) acting. Unfortunately, Brook's body is matched by a somewhat effed up taste in men: she's currently engaged to Billy Zane, of all people. If you don't know who Billy Zane is, count yourself among the lucky few. 

Diora Baird

Take the classic beauty of Catherine Deneuve, but multiply her breast size by a factor of ten, and you've got Diora Baird. She has the most impressive breasts on the planet. This is a fact, and if you disagree you are wrong. Her big-screen debut in Wedding Crashers (falling, topless, onto a bed during a sex montage) was only a few seconds long, but what a spectacular few seconds it was: Diora's natural 32DD breasts may very well be proof that God exists and loves us very much. Insanely, Baird once considered getting a breast reduction, of all things; lucky for the rest of us, she decided against it.  Baird has the classic beauty of a 60's French film star (exemplified by many of her stylized photo shoots) mixed with the out-and-out hotness of a modern porn star. When we say it's worth cutting off a hand to have sex with her, we aren't joking. For Christ's sakes, her presence alone made us sit through the cinematic afterbirth that was Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning; after sitting through that film, lopping off one of your limbs would feel like a relief. 

Mary Elizabeth Winstead

Mary Elizabeth Winstead may not be the most well-known hottie in the world, but she's definitely one of the most underrated. The up-and-coming actress has a definitively godlike body, but a young, innocent, and goddamned cute face. Equal parts "adorable" and "hot," Winstead is the epitome of the girl-next-door type. She's almost painfully gorgeous in every way, but (judging from her interviews) relatively soft-spoken, which needless to say is a rarity for someone as hot as she. As is the case with Diora, her presence made us suffer through a lackluster horror flick (in Winstead's case, Final Destination 3), but the quality of her roles is definitely increasing. Though she was criminally underused in it (you don't -- and I will say this until the end of time -- you don't put the most gorgeous woman in a flick into a cheerleader outfit, and then only give her two or three lines), she appeared in Quentin Tarantino's Death Proof, and she'll appear as John McClane's daughter in the next Die Hard flick. Though you may not have known about her now, you'll be seeing a lot more from Ms. Winstead -- and that's a hell of a good thing.

Keeley Hazell

Ah, Keeley: when she first started her nude modeling career, it was damn near impossible to believe she was only 18. Breasts like that on a girl who wouldn't even be old enough to legally drink in the United States? Surely you must be joking. Well, we're not joking, and don't call us Shirley. The youngest person on this list, Keeley may be the most popular quasi-nude model (she never goes bottomless) in all of Britain; she frequently features in ZOO and The Sun, modeling in pretty much every different sort-of outfit anyone could think of. There's only so many ways one can make a topless woman look different and hot, but Keeley manages to pull it off. Additionally, Keeley is the only woman on this list with the good graces to leak a sex tape: though the actual coitus may be the most horribly-shot five minutes in the history of amateur film, there's a distinct majesty in hearing Keeley order her boyfriend around in a British accent before (poorly) performing oral sex on him. Confusingly, Keeley is also a member of the UK Conservative party -- correct us if we're wrong, but don't Conservatives tend to, you know, not like it when young people pose nude?

Scarlett Johansson

First things first: almost everyone who has ever worked with Scarlett Johansson will verify that she is, in fact, a huge bitch. A stuck-up, self-absorbed, bitch who talks down to her co-stars and crew, and may have very well slept with every actor in Hollywood (Benicio del Toro, the pimp that he is, is rumored to have sexed up Scarlett in an elevator). Still, that doesn't make her any less stunning: Scarlett exudes the cool beauty of Grace Kelly (also rumored to be a total bitch) on top of a goddamned fantastic body and a semi-decent acting career: it's a testament to her hotness that in The Prestige, a film in which Christian Bale and Hugh Jackman perform amazing magic tricks during the entirety of the film's running time, Scarlett looks so incredible in Victorian-era clothing that she actually distracts from the plot. We can't be the only ones who had a hard time listening to the dialogue whilst Scarlett walked around in this. If one were to use her only for sex, and never speak or even make eye contact with her, it would very well be the most pleasurable experience one could possibly have. So long as you don't let her open her mouth to start bitching at you, anyway.

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There you have it: our Hi-5 of women worth cutting off a hand for. You may not think sex with these women would warrant losing a limb, and that's okay -- but you should probably consider the fact that you might be gay.

Just throwing that out there.