Hi-5: Five Women Who Need a Mute Button

As the saying goes, silence is golden. For instance:  when it’s fourth and inches late in the game. Nothing can ruin a moment like that more than a blathering, unnecessary question about why the uniforms have three stripes instead of two. 

Almost worse than that are the useless interjections that start fucking with our very lives -- telling us what to eat, what to wear and who we can and can’t be friends with.  In a perfect world, our universal remote would come with an ever-useful chick-mute button. 

Speaking of women who need a mute button, here are the five women who we suspect God invented the mute button to shield us from.  

(Please note that their hotness factor has nothing to do with where they rank in needing to STFU)

Pamela Anderson

It’s hard for Pamela Anderson to look bad. She’s also an actress, sex symbol, glamour model, producer, TV personality and "author." Is there anything she can’t do? Well, actually there is. The ever caring and loving Pam thought it was necessary to start telling us what we should and shouldn’t be doing to helpless chickens. That’s right, chickens. While we don’t mind Anderson protesting the cruelty of animals or being a spokeswoman for PETA, when she starts fucking with the Colonel's "secret recipe" of 11 herbs and spices, we have to draw the line. If it's going to be that kind of party, we'd prefer you just put on a bathing suit, run in slow-mo and STFU.

Gisele Bündchen

There was a time when we thought there couldn’t possibly be anything wrong with Gisele. She's smoking hot, she's a Victoria’s Secret Model and she's rich as hell.  Then we saw the Victoria’s Secret Christmas special and she opened her mouth. And just like most of our childhood preconceptions of preconceived perfection (say that five times fast, motherfuckers), somehow our dream turned reality wasn’t that great. Don’t get us wrong, if given the chance we’d jump in a second. We would just hope for a little quiet time.

Tyra Banks

Another model gone bad, we’ll admit Banks was smoking hot in her earlier print and runway days. Then, somehow, someone got the bright idea to let her host America’s Top Model and currently a talk show, which brought on the possibility that we might accidentally listen to her. Not only is she rude and annoying, but she's started to pack it on. Maybe a mute button would slow down the eating.

Paris Hilton

Once again, the famous-for-nothing Paris Hilton is near the top of one of our lists.  The wannabe actress, singer and umm, what is it that she does again? That’s right:  she looks pretty and spends daddy’s money. Anyway, thanks to her notoriety, the public at large has been forced to actually listen to what the bimbo has to say from time-to-time. It all started with her “home movie” which landed her on the Simple Life which is more like "The Simpleton Life.” All this inexplicably led to movies and the coup de grace of ear torture - her singing career. The latter proved that nepotism is alive and well in the USA. We really don’t mind looking at her though (think the Carl’s Jr. commercial), we just don’t want to hear her.

Kendra Wilkinson

Hugh Hefner is our personal idol and must have the patience of a Saint. He has to deal with a whole house full of nagging chicks 24/7. Wait, that’s not necessarily a bad thing, as we’d trade places with him faster than you can say double D’s.  But there is one offender in the bunch who, more than anyone else, needs a ball gag or a muzzle to be even mildly tolerated. That would be current girlfriend #2 or #3 (whatever place she is holding this week), Kendra Wilkinson.  The sporty spice of the trio, Kendra is a tomboy and would surely ruin any sporting event on TV by trying too hard.  While she looks damn good in boy shorts and a Chargers half jersey, the incessant cheering and blabbing would have to go. Not to mention that the girl just isn’t that bright. Well, Hugh keeps her around for some reason, though. Right?