Hi-5: Five Women Who Could Be Red Sonja

Rose McGowan

From her first moment of fame, it’s been common knowledge that Rose McGowan is both hotter than Hades and an absolute bad-ass.  From her role as high school slut in Scream to her lord-knows-what-they-do-behind-closed-doors relationship with Marilyn Manson – not to mention the ass-baring chain-mail dress she wore to the MTV Movie Awards – it was always there.  We’d just never seen it on the big screen.   

That is to say, we'd never seen it until Freddie Rodriguez shoved a machine gun/grenade launcher in to her stump of a leg in Grindhouse and she started blasting the shit out of zombies.  It might not be a broad sword, but it’s definitely bad-ass.

Megan Fox

 

Anyone who's seen Transformers can attest to the absolute smoking-hot heat exuding from the steamy curves of Megan Fox.  Couple that with her character’s ability to drive a tow-truck IN REVERSE while a legless robot machine-guns all obstacles, and you've got something hardcore brewing.  Throw her on a horse with a crossbow -- KABOOM! -- Red Sonja.

Uma Thurman 

Uma Thurman is six feet tall, built like an Amazon (but with two boobs!), and blessed with the looks of a Scandinavian supermodel.  She’s trained in both martial arts and swordplay, and Kill Bill showed that she knows how to chop, slice, dice, kick, punch, beat, slap, bite and slash pretty much anything that gets in her way.  Honestly, Uma Thurman (with a red wig and some skin tight leather) might just be Red Sonja reincarnated.

Katherine Heigl

Heigl might be the biggest wussy to grace this prestigious list.  She’s never wielded a weapon of any sort on-screen, and her filmography boasts both ‘Grey’s Anatomy’ and ‘Roswell’.  In Knocked Up though, the way she toughs out a difficult pregnancy, you know... that shows heart, determination, and just pure grit that make her perfect to play the next Red Sonja …

Aw, who are we fooling?  She’s hot.  And she's kind of tall and strong-ish looking.  And who amongst us wouldn’t want to see her all sweaty and squeezed in to some chain-mail? 

Angelica Bridges

Even though Angelica Bridges is the only legitimate redhead on the list, and the only actress with prior Red Sonja experience (she played the busty swordstress in a short-lived 2000 television series), I still had to fight to keep this ‘aging’ beauty on the list.  My editors argued the 33-year old former ‘Baywatch’ star just wasn’t up to high level of fanboy lust the rest of these potential Sonjas inspire.  Well, cherished readers, I implore you to stare and stare and stare at the picture above, and fantasize for a moment about the possibility of that woman spattered with blood, jug-a-lugs all dirty-sweaty, hair streaming over her shoulder.  Picture that, my friends, and then tell me this lovely lady isn’t the perfect fit for a future Red Sonja.