Hi-5: Five Hottest Oscar Winners

Along with the tradition of gratuitous self-promotion, the tradition of minimally clothed, over-sexed thespians has existed since the ceremonies inception. Here now are the 5 hottest Oscar winning actresses of all time. 

Sophia Loren

When Sophia Loren first graced the silver screen with her exotic visage and voluptuous curves, male trousers popped up quicker than shirt collars at a Yale frat house. She owned a sultry, alluring look to go along with cascading cleavage and seductive eyes that begged you to take her from behind and make her bark like a dog. Sophia is a classic Hollywood knockout in any era. 

Halle Berry

Anyone that can pretend to enjoy getting the high, hard one from Slingblade is certainly worthy of an Oscar. More importantly, Halle Berry has consistently been one of the sexiest actresses in motion picture history. Her girlish smile and immaculate breasts not only made Swordfish remotely tolerable, the mere thought of her slinking out of the ocean in Die Another Day has dampened more Kleenex than the flu. Her penchant for deutchebag partners aside, Halle can play with my monster balls any day. 

Grace Kelly

The essence of traditional beauty, Kelly lit up the screen throughout the 1950’s. Considering there wasn’t a whole lot to do in the 50’s, I imagine most young men spent the majority of their days battling leprosy and day dreaming about Grace’s silky hair pie. Everything about Grace Kelly screams movie star, which in my mind also includes an insatiable sex-drive and voracious coke habit. Either way, her flawless features and effortless charm made Grace Kelly a Country Girl, and one timeless piece of ass. 

Angelina Jolie

With the incest, blood-filled vials and infatuation with disease-ridden orphans, it is entirely conceivable that Angelina Jolie is crazier than the shit-house rat. Indisputable however, is her near obscene level of hotness, marked by the carnal gaze, salacious lips and occasional dalliances with lesbianism. Jolie exudes sexuality and I can reveal with great certainty after many hours spent dreaming of making a deposit in her flesh wallet that she is an absolute tigress in bed. I can tell you one thing, if I were Brad Pitt, she wouldn’t be “Girl, Interrupted," she’d be girl split in half after the historic pounding fed to her thrice daily. 

Elizabeth Taylor

Try if you can to treat your current memories like an unwanted pregnancy and flush them all away. In the 1960’s, prior to her unfortunate addiction to fried chicken and plastic surgery, Elizabeth Taylor was the very definition of stunning. Before she Butterfield “ate” everything in sight, every girl wanted to be her, and every guy want to take her behind the barn the fuck the high-holy shit out of her. With one flutter from her doe-like lashes, she could use any man's tongue as a bidet. Her gaseous excretions smelled of lilac and her breath like warm chocolate milk. Her stare mixed the perfect blend of innocent naivety and “I can suck bark off trees." Simply put, in her prime, Elizabeth Taylor was the perfect Hollywood starlet and the hottest Oscar winner of all time. 
 

Any time one ventures into the turbulent waters of beauty ranking, there is bound to be a myriad of comments for and against the selections made. The only thing that can be quantified as an absolute certainty is that at some point, all of these women will become a decrepit, hollowed out shell of their former selves. They will gain weight, lose the elasticity in their skin and genitals, and the slightest thought of them naked will ensure your last meal finds its way onto your feet. For this reason, I strongly suggest enacting a law that mandates the marriage license as a five-year contract, up for renewal at the end of each term. If you choose to trade in the withering old sack of bones for a buxom blonde stewardess with an ass that tastes like butterscotch than so be it. Until then, let us spend our time ranking hot women, so provide your top five and let the debates begin.