Gettin' Chicks: The Lost D&D Campaign

"Greetings, Dungeon Masters! If you're using this campaign, it must mean I'm already dead. Wasn't that wizard cap I was wearing in my coffin truly estimable? I am in agreement, dear companion.

First a fair advisory, weary travelers. This adventure is suited for PC's of approximately 5th level, but is recommended for all players (and dungeon masters!) alike. It is perhaps the most incomparable of all my campaigns... perhaps, I may humbly decree, my own picayune delineation of Tolkien's work? Perchance...

Now, fair dice-wielding magistrates, I must warn you... this campaign is like no other. Where in the campaigns of recent antiquity, you scribed your subjects' very movements onto papier millimetre (graph paper, for those less than francophilic), this time their actions will be played out in the real world.

 

 

Don't circumvent your optic orbs just yet... this is still D&D, there are still strict requirements such as several sided dice and of course there will be dungeons and dragons, yet, young magi. But the dungeons are no longer dank and the dragons no longer voluminous. This campaign, as I decreed above, is different.

First, a query. To how many members of the fairer gender have you made love? Is it a numeral that can be indicated on your under-manicured digits? I'll change my query... How many have you kissed? How many have you touched? Talked to? Known? The number is not important, merely the feelings raised from the boiling brew of my questionnaire. Would the answers be the same for your PCs?

If your responses were less than satisfactory, then this campaign is for you.

 

 

Here's what you will need for this au courant campaign:

One 3 sided die
One Ten sided die
One phone book
One cell phone

Here is the Game:

Take out a three sided die. PC 1 rolls. If his number is odd, he must kiss a girl by night fall. If his number is even, you may continue on. This player may raise to the next skill level and enhance their dexterity stats if the task is completed.

Take out the ten sided die. Have the next player roll seven times. Give him the cell phone. He must dial these seven numbers (plus your local area code) and talk to the person who is on the line. If it's a man, he must hang up and roll and dial again until he reaches a woman. The goal of this sub-mission isn't to fight the dragon but simply recognize her presence -- no dates are needed for experience points.

Your adventurers now have their feet amply dampened and are ready to jump into their epic journey. Your PCs as well as the NPC Drake the Midget Clown are gathered over a hearth in the outskirts of Gloomshire Township. A bard, one who many call Omar, approaches your party.

 

 

"Hey dudes, sup?" the chocolate-skinned bard proclaims. He sits by the ancient fire and warms his hands. "It's fuckin' cold in here."

"Tis," replies Drake the Midget Clown. Your PCs and Drake the Midget Clown shake hands and exchange greetings with the one many call Omar.

"This place is a fucking meat market, my negroes!" the one they call Omar continues. "Let's get some pussy."

Take out your three sided die and have a PC who hasn't had a turn roll. If he lands a "1" he must be Omar's wing man. If he lands a "2" he must make Omar his wing man. And if he lands a "3" he must cock-block Omar.

 

If your PC ends up being Omar's wing man, he gains no experience points but earns 50 pieces of gold.  If Omar is his wing man, he earns 15 experience points if he gets a number but only 5 if he is shot down. If he cock-blocks Omar, he loses 5 health points (from the beating Omar will be giving him).

This concludes your players' first mission, dear Dungeon Master. Now, on to chapter 2!"

Gary died before he could continue his game. One can only dream of the adventures he was to take us on. Gary, we will miss you.