The goal of these games was always one of two things - save your kidnapped girlfriend (or daughter), claim your turf from gangs or do both at the same time.  In either case, the solution was simple - kick ass (or face, or balls).  Just Beat the Living Shit Out of Anything That Moves could easily have replaced any of the titles for Double Dragon, Final Fight, Vigilante, etc.

After the brief opening sequences of such games, the ensuing action played out like a bar fight that follows you wherever you go.  Throngs of assholes in weird outfits - some trying to show off the size of their pecs in too-tight shirts while remaining poised in a strangely upright posture, and some just lurking ever closer, waiting to jig your ass with a bowie knife - fell upon you in wave after wave of aggravated assault.

Somehow, though, you managed to be the most bad-ass of them all, routinely laying the smack down on those before and behind you simultaneously.   You were quick to toss a hapless victim into an onrushing horde, most of whom were lurking off-screen just waiting to get their surprise now-you-look-like-ground-beef makeovers.  And who can forget grabbing a thug by the hair (which coincidentally resembled the 'do of Carrot Top, making it that much MORE satisfying) and delivering your gift-wrapped knee directly to his face... repeatedly.  And speaking of gifts, River City Ransom (HIGHLY recommended, by the way) sees a rebel high schooler dishing out the punishment to the likes of the Frat Boys, Cowboys, and Jocks, then taking all their money just to complete the abasement.

Fisticuffs are all well and good, and I've applauded a good pugilist time and time again on HBO Boxing and the like, but in a street fight, nobody comes unprepared.  I've already mentioned the commonplace (and relatively useless) hunting knives, but those are just the tip of the iceberg.  In these games, you can expect to be confronted with chains, whips, baseball bats, pipes, rocks, brass knucks, boards, bricks, bo staves, tires, garbage cans and even sticks of fucking dynamite.  It's not exactly Romper Room.  The good news, though, is that for every weapon that comes your way, you are granted the opportunity to make SOMEBODY hurt.  

Step-by-step instruction (for the n00bs):
1) See armed enemy approaching
2) Crush his face with your fist
3) Take his weapon
4) Locate victim
5) Inflict suffering

It's a wonderfully simple procedure and delightfully effective, too.  In some cases, you can even hold on to the same weapon for the entire game (RCR again).

Sometimes though, when things get heavy, a guy needs a little backup.  Just like a barfight where some punk has all his lackeys jump in, you've got to have your own "associates" who are ready to lend a fist or two to your cause.  That's what really makes these games - the co-op.  There's nothing like kicking back with a buddy and a few cold beverages, then running through the city like you own the joint.

A unique comradery comes from these experiences.  A dude's abilty to always get his friend's back -- while at the same time watching his own ass and then going so far as to perform tandem ass-kicking moves -- is a measure of his worth as a man.  This sort of intrinsic connection to the soul of manhood is something that is found in few genres other than the Beat 'Em Up, and it must be treasured and extolled for all time.