Full Blown Cubicle Warfare

Take your average prisoner:  sure, he or she may be sentenced to multiple years locked away in a tiny cell, but -- in-between the regular ass-poundings -- they find time to craft weapons out of everyday objects for a little fun around the compound. If he or she can't craft, they simply buy a shiv from another prisoner and the fun begins. Office life much the same; shanking Vinny the Teeth over in block E is no different than showing that gum-smacking bitch in accounting who's boss with a little cubicle warfare.  

Let's start simple with the homemade contraband. Take a cheap pen with a cap and a rubber band. Stretch the rubber band around your thumb and middle finger and attach the pen to the rubber band with the extended clip-on part of the cap. Make sure the pen cap rests pretty firmly around the pen. Begin to pull back on the pen and eventually the tension from the rubber band will pull the cap from the pen and send it launching. This is quick, easy, painless (for you) and ,best of all, it can be shot either from close quarters or across great distances.  

If you are looking for a safer route to this same type of gun, replace the pen and lid with a piece of paper folded up as many times as possible. Position the rubber band in the same manner and place the two bands in the last fold of the tightly wrapped paper. Pinch the two folds together around the rubber band and aim the blunt edge out. Pull the rubber band back and let go of the paper.  (Ed. note:  In elementary school, we used to break paper clips in half to launch in place of the folded-up paper.  In hindsight, it's amazing that no one was blinded.  Seriously.)

If these rubber band launchers are too easy, it may be time to take a stab at a Bic pen bow and arrow. Gather a rubber band and Bic pen. Take the pen apart and make a hole through the middle of the pen tubing large enough for the plastic piece on the business end of the pen to fit in snugly. Cut notches in the ends of the pen to hold the rubber band in place and prevent slippage. Insert the refillable ink part of the pen into the hole, pull back on the rubber band and fire. To make it a crossbow, simply mount the device to the top of your cube wall with some tape and mount a binder clip to hold onto the cocked ink cartridge and rubber band.  When you're ready to fire, just squeeze open the binder clip.

Aside: while you're taking apart pens, don't forget about the classic spitwad. Gruesome, disgusting and extremely easy – a recipe fit for any office environment.

Still too much work? A butterfly paperclip can easily fold out into a shiv for a quick stabbing. And if slicing is more of your style, break a CD in half and slice away. 

One of the most important factors to do-it-yourself cubicle warfare is to use your imagination. You think Joe Nobody stopped his daily prison ass-rapings by making a weapon found in the Dummie's Guide to Prison Weapons? Hell no – that book is full of shit, trust me. Remember, if it is long and slender, it could act as an arrow, and if it has tension (rubber bands, binder clips) it can put force onto another object in some way or another. Cubicle veterans don't need this explained – they look at any object and immediately visualize all the ways it could be used to inflict harm.  

Of course, if you're not into building your own cubicle weapons, there are plenty of ways to buy your way out of Office Bitch-dom with a variety of weapons that are both safe (unfortunately) and fun.  

USB Missile Launchers are the latest craze. These devices shoot three foam darts at your foes aided by your PC-connected guidance. Personally, I think this device is a bit weak. Foam darts don't inflict damage and once the annoyed cube neighbor takes all of the darts, your $30 investment just turned into one ugly paperweight.  

If medieval times is a bit more of your style (and I don't know why it wouldn't be), catapults and trebuchets are the way to go. Wooden Desktop Warfare Kits allow you to get your hands dirty and piece together a variety of ancient projectile launchers. You do have to put it together yourself, but it doesn't have the same prison-ass-rape-victim-meets-MacGyver feel as some of the previously mentioned weapons. Load up the trebuchet with anything and begin launching. Tip: a sopping wet tissue can easily stick to a computer screen, and may even prove annoying enough to end your cube war.

If you have some money to spend (what kind of office worker doesn't?) or want to finally impress the office secretary, pick up a remote controlled BB battle tank. Drive the tank all through the cube inflicting painful BB damage to all of those asshole co-workers. If you really want to go out in style, attach one of those wireless webcams to the tank and sit in your cube listening to the shrieks of pain.  

But let's say inflicting physical pain isn't your bag. Have no fear, hippie. The Sonic Grenade is a nice, annoying, pain-free way to pretty much piss off the entire office. It even looks like a real grenade -- just pull the pin, roll it into a neighbors cube and wait twenty seconds for a mind-numbing sonic blast. The only way to stop the noise, which will likely drive everyone bat-shit crazy, is to re-insert the pin.  

Naturally, if all else fails, nothing beats a solid office ass-kicking. Nothing high-tech about it, but it definitely gets the job done.  

I'm pretty sure this is the part where some kind of disclaimer goes, but to be honest I couldn't give a damn if you kill a person with any of the above weapons. It's your conscience, not mine. Just have fun, and if you end up in prison, remember some of these tips—they could save your ass, literally.