Five reasons not to buy ANYTHING for your girlfriend this Valentine's Day

5. Don't be a consumer slave

The US Greeting Card Association estimates that roughly one billion valentines are bought every year. It is the second most profitable day of the year for both Hallmark and Hershey's (Christmas is first). Valentine's Day is about one thing, and one thing only: money. Unlike Christmas, which we are frequently told is really about family and loving and caring, Valentine's Day has never pretended to be about anything other than consumerism. For a love-related holiday, every message we hear from jewelry stores or candy companies or greeting card manufacturers seems to be related to buying something.

"Why not show her how much you love her with a diamond necklace?" "Give the gift of romance with a ten-piece box of chocolates." "Re-ignite your relationship by taking your loved one to Paris!"

How about you don't? Love seems difficult to show through legitimate emotion, so corporations want us to think it can and should be quantified by material goods. After years and years and years of corporate suggestion, we equate Valentine's Day with diamonds and candy rather than sex and affection -- what it should be about. 

Don't fall for that bullshit. 

4. She's probably gonna leave you anyway

Statistically speaking, most people -- and by that, I mean most women -- refuse to end a relationship a month before any major holiday. Whether we're talking Valentine's, Christmas, or New Year's, people cannot stand to be alone during widely-celebrated holidays.

Many a boyfriend have seen their girlfriend looking bored and distant in January, only to assume their relationship has hit a minor rough patch. Once we get to Valentine's Day, they assume, I'll be able to wow her with my romantic prowess and she'll love me all over again! 

Nope.

Truth is, if she seems like she's gonna leave you before Valentine's Day, then she's got even more reason to do it afterwards. With the day of romance behind her, she's got no reason to keep your inconsiderate ass around to massage her ego; once February 14th has passed, she won't feel the societal pressure to be in a relationship and will subsequently make a break for it, taking the diamond necklace you bought with her. 

3. Buying stuff makes it seem like you really care about her

As Ladder Theory teaches us, the last thing you want to do is show too much affection toward toward a girl -- even if you're already dating. By showing a great deal of emotional investment in your girlfriend, you'll prove that she is of high value to you. From that, she'll be able to assume that if she is of high value, then that probably means that you are of comparatively lesser worth. For every rung she climbs on your ladder, you'll drop one on hers.

Sure, she'll initially enjoy it, and will probably reward you with some emotionally-charged coitus, but you'll have also unwittingly planted the seeds of your own romantic demise. If she has to stop working for your affection, she'll get bored; she'll show less affection toward you now that she knows she already owns you, at which point she'll either try to manipulate you into becoming a different person or leave altogether.  

The best long-term relationships are built on lies and secrets. Never let her know how much you like her, and indeed do whatever is necessary to keep her simultaneously angry at you and desperate for your approval. Buying stuff makes it far too easy for her to quantify just how much you love her, and if you go really overboard -- say, a trip to Italy and a diamond ring and a box of truffles -- she'll know that you like her way too much. After she gets back from Italy, eats her chocolates and gets that ring appraised, she'll have officially lost all interest in keeping you around.

2. No matter what, you'll look cheap

Despite the fact that, as I stated in the last paragraph, your girlfriend's distaste for you will exponentially increase in relation to the cash you waste on her (a phenomenon the Notorious BIG referred to as "mo' money, mo' problems"), she'll still be pissed as hell if you don't spend enough.

If you give a mouse a cookie, he's gonna want some milk; if you give your girlfriend a gold bracelet, she'll want to get it diamond-encrusted and dipped in chocolate. There is no winning when you spend cash on a dame.

1. Faking deepness is as easy as 5-7-5

There is, however, a very easy way to avoid most of these problems for FREE. Every woman has a soft spot, however small, for sappy, hopelessly romantic men. This soft spot is very, very picky: it doesn't find chivalry attractive from men who aren't complete assholes, and it can turn sour and close up if a man divulges too much emotion. This makes it more or less impossible for "nice guys" to get new girlfriends. 

But that doesn't matter -- you've already got a girlfriend, and so her soft spot is open to you. You should only tickle this emotional G-spot once every year: the rest of the time, an intelligent man will alternately treat her with half-assed compliments and legitimately douche-esque behavior. Still, Valentine's Day is the one time to show her how much she means to you, if only because she expects you to and will get really pissed if you don't.

In other words, write her a poem or a love letter. No candy. No jewelry. Just a pen, a blank sheet of paper, and all the romantic emotion (genuine or not) that you can fit within an 8 1/2" x 11" area. By giving your girlfriend something which seems to come "straight from the heart," you'll be making a statement. Valentine's Day, you're implying, actually means something to you. It's not about buying stuff or becoming a capitalist whore or listening to what society says: it's just about you and her, man. Just two souls... intertwined. Like you're the only two people on Earth.

She will, of course, love this bullshit. Not only will she be totally okay with the fact that you didn't spend a dime on her -- she'll actually be glad! By rebelling against the status quo, you'll prove that you value her love more than you do social propriety. Your haiku, or free verse poem, or well-written memo will have the emotional impact of eighty diamond rings for roughly a quadrillionth of the cost. Again, this is the only day you can show these sorts of emotions, as they grow old very quickly. But once she reads your love letter and understand what you were trying to get across, she will have an absurd amount of sex with you, no matter how freaky or rough.

And you can't put a price on that.*

*You can.