Salem, Massachusetts’ Festival of the Dead

Presumably created as one large, quasi-ironic “Hey, we’re really sorry we killed all those people back in the day” apology, the witch-hunting city of Salem is rumored to include some of the most varied and odd Halloween parties in the whole of the United States. The short list of the Festival’s events includes:

-A tour of the city, complete with visits to the execution spots used during the trials

-The official Salem Witches’ Halloween ball, complete with crazy-ass women from all around the country who think they have magical powers

-The Dumb Supper: a huge dinner where literally no one is allowed to talk, in respect for the dead

-The Vampire Masquerade Ball; I’ve no idea what this entails, but I assume it involves copious amounts of breasts and neck hickies

The vast majority of these activities tend to involve a considerable amount of crazy-ass Wiccan chicks, but this means two things: firstly, it’s really easy to feign interest in the sort of insane crap they’re likely to throw our during conversation; secondly, if you do a decent enough job of pretending you actually buy into their warlock horseshit you’re almost guaranteed some frighteningly hardcore intercourse.

Banks of the Foyle Hallowe'en Carnival

I’m tempted to just say “because it’s in Ireland” in terms of reasoning as to why the Banks of the Foyle Hallowe’en Carnival will be fun and leave it at that. Not only is Ireland the country from which the US hamfistedly stole all of our traditions (trick-or-treating and Jack O’Lanterns were both Irish inventions), but their parties – as one might imagine, given the hilariously-racist-yet-probably-true stereotypes about Irish culture – can get pretty insane. The Foyle Hallowe’en Carnival represents a more family-friendly Ireland during the day, but once the kiddie festivities end and the children are tucked in, one can only imagine the liquor-soaked partying which insues.

Bon Festival

While nowhere near as raucous or booze-fueled as a few of the other celebrations on this list, the Japanese Bon Festival makes up for its lack of intoxicated shenanigans with a surfeit of transcendental mystique and hauntingly beautiful imagery.

Every year, the Japanese celebrate this Buddhist holiday to honor their dead friends, family, and ancestors. The Bon Festival includes an alarming amount of family interaction for a festival celebrating the dead – there are community dance festivals, family reunions, and traditional trips to the graves of recently deceased loved ones – but the most visually striking and interesting aspect of the festival can be seen in the candlelit lantern paths.

At night, Japanese citizens collectively place long trails of paper, candlelit lanterns near or on bodies of water. Apart from looking really damn cool, haunting, and romantic, the trail of glowing lanterns is ostensibly meant to help the spirits find their way out of hell and back to Earth, leading them directly to their families. Given the emphasis on family and reunion and death, the Bon festival probably isn’t the best time or place to get shitfaced and obnoxious, but – assuming you have the time or money to take the missus on a trip to Japan – the entire festival is visually solemn and haunting enough that taking your girlfriend and/or wife to see it will almost definitely result in some sort of post-festival coitus.

Silom Soi 4

I’m not saying it’s the most enjoyable Halloween celebration to actually take part in, but, based on the following summary from About.com, it sure sounds like a hell of a spectacle to bear witness to:

“Silom Soi 4, a street of bars, restaurants, and clubs, is the scene for a massive Halloween Street Party in Bangkok. Although Halloween celebrations abound in Bangkok, this one is the queen. The gay population comes out in force and revelers from the world over carry on long past the witching hour. Be there or be square. And wear a costume - the more outrageous, the better.”

So, a huge-ass street party, and the gay population – referred to in the preceding paragraph as a collective, like they all come out at the same time as one seething, surging mass of Asian homosexuality – comes out in full force. Like most things in Thailand (and I’m allowed to say this because I’m ½ Thai), the Silom Soi 4 Halloween party is probably best looked at from afar rather than touched, due to fear of venereal disease.

The Shanghai Tunnels

I’ll be the first to admit that a tour through the Shanghai Tunnels of Portland, Oregon is hardly a Halloween-specific event, but I honestly can’t imagine a better or more appropriate place to go on Halloween night. Rumored to have been filled with thieves, murderers, and failed treasure hunters during the early years of the 20^th century, the Tunnels achieved nigh-legendary status due to the numerous (and often contradictory) stories concerning the underground’s dark, depraved history. The location earned its name due to a legend wherein unsuspecting citizens were kidnapped – “shanghaied” – in the underground and subsequently sold into slavery.
In his Portland travel guide, Fugitives and Refugees, author Chuck Palahniuk describes a tour he took through the Shanghai Tunnels:

“On a recent tunnel tour that started in the basement of the Matador, a bar at 1967 W Burnside Street, several men and women gripped a thick rope after signing a long legal waiver…Down one tunnel, around a corner, the tour found a nurse in a short-skirted white uniform. Kneeling on the stone floor, she shoved a vacuum cleaner hose between the legs of a mannequin. The vacuum roaring, the nurse screamed, ‘So, you slut, will you use some birth control the next time? You whore!’

From under the mannequin’s skirt, the nurse pulls out a mass of pink gelatin smeared with tomato ketchup. She throws it at the tour and the dripping mess hits a screaming girl, sticking to her dress for a moment before it slides to the floor.

…

Around another corner, a drunk woman in a housedress holds a glass of whiskey and yells, ‘But I’m a good mother! I love my baby! God, where is my baby?’ Behind her a baby doll turns slowly inside a microwave oven.

Down tunnel after tunnel the rope pulls you past scenes of incest and torture until the last tunnel. There in the pitch dark, a crowd of strangers rush the tour group, groping their breasts and genitals.

Did I mention the big legal waiver everybody signed?”

That’s right – travel to Portland, take the Matador’s tour of the Shanghai Tunnels, and watch/interact in horror as some of the most gruesome legends and rumors concerning the tunnels are thrust directly into your face and genitals. Quite frankly, I can’t think of a more appropriate or entertaining way to spend a Halloween night.