Evidently, There Is Crying in Sports

Of course, not all crying sportsmen are created equal.  Although it's never really acceptable to cry, there is a certain gradation of tolerability.  Ranges of respectability, if you will, starting with the most acceptable tears (say, those of Derek Fisher over his child's cancer -- totally understandable), to unbelievably shameful (more on that later).  Let's start with the merely disgraceful and move on to the I-am-thoroughly-confused-as-to-why-you-even-find-this-situation-so-upsetting level of teary-eyed disgustingness.

The Somewhat Understandable But Still Unsettling

Fish Gets Wet

As I already mentioned, I'm giving Fish a pass for this one along with the paralyzed guy with the flaming face.  The fact that he was not in uniform at the time further lends credence to the fact that he was crying as a dad, not as a basketball player, and -- although his public display of emotion really didn't help anybody -- he was crying about something substantially more tear-worthy than his profession.  No man should ever cry over his work, and Fish wasn't. 

Tiger Woods After His Dad Died

Tiger's first win after his father Earl passed away came at the 2006 British Open.  Upon sealing the victory, he collapsed in a ragged mess in his caddy's arms and stayed there for quite a while.  Now, it's totally understandable that Tiger would be emotional after having just once again proven his dominance at the game his deceased father taught him, and that's why this incident is so close to the top of the list, but crying on another man's shoulder on national television -- for a little too long, and as that man's discomfort steadily increases -- is kind of weird.  And this was after a tournament he won.  If he lost, I imagine, he might have just given birth right on the 18th green.

For a professional athlete, there is a sense in which retirement equals death.  After all, to that point, you've pretty much poured your entire existence into the goals associated with your ultra-competitive emotionally-fueled career.  It's a fair argument that this doesn't belong in the same league as the people who let their real-life dramas seep out through their eyes, but the moment when a warrior ceases to be a warrior should be an instance when all of us get maybe a little choked up. 

However, most of us, instead of letting liquid come out of our eyes, pour alcohol down our throats, which is a much more manly response to this or any other emotion.  Therefore, while it's not the most horrible thing in the world that Messier and others have cried while announcing their retirement or receiving some sort of post-retirement honor, I would have preferred if they were simply drunk, knocking over the microphone, yelling about their enemies list, etc.  That's something we could all relate to.

Dick Vermeil

Yes, he gets his own category.  I'm pretty sure he just has defective tear ducts.  Vermeil is synonymous with crying in sports; it's what he's known for... along with taking teams to the Super Bowl.  It'd take all day and night to catalog all the times he's turned on the waterworks over the course of his career, so let's just say that while it's unacceptable, it's still Dick Vermeil, and you know you'd let him coach your team and be happy about it, even if he drowned you in his girlish sorrows.

The Tears of a Loser

Darius Washington, Jr. After Missing Key Free Throws Against Rival Louisville

For some forever inscrutable reason, Washington was not only given a pass for his shameful display of self-pity after losing a game for his team almost three years ago, he was praised for it.  He was lauded for the competitive fire that fueled his emotional outburst.  It's funny, though:  I don't see crying as evidence of competitive fire.  You know what I see as evidence of competitive fire?  Making a fucking free-throw.  Stop crying and get to work, loser/baby.

Tony Romo After Pissing Away the Cowboys' Playoff Hopes

You'd think Romo would have cried this year, but if we're going to be fair, the loss against the Giants wasn't really his fault.  You can't make a receiver catch a well-thrown ball, after all.  Last year, though, when he was unable to hang onto a field goal snap that would have likely pushed the 'Boys into the playoffs, he behaved as if the inside of a diaper was his natural habitat.  I don't care how many blonde pop stars you tag, Romo.  If you can't do your job, don't cry.  Just give everyone their money back. 

Terrell Owens Defending Romo

Fast forward one year and another Cowboy is overwhelmed by a crushing wave of loserdom.  This time it was TO, famously buckling under the suggestion that Romo was to blame for the loss like some sort of emo bitch defending his retarded little brother.  "Stop pickin' on Tony, guys!  Momma says he's special."  He is special, Terrell.  Especially whiny.  And so are you. 

Tears of Fake Remorse

Kobe Bryant Buys An Enormous Apology Ring

Sometimes apologies are believable.  Generally, the conditions for such an apology include some sort of accident:  a miscommunication, a case of mistaken identity, a malfunction of some sort.  Generally, the conditions for such an apology do not include fucking a hotel attendant.  That's why Kobe had to flex his horrible acting muscles and cry for the cameras during his news conference to profess his innocence on rape charges with his wife by his side.  Did she buy it?  Doubtful.  Was she still wearing the five million dollar purple diamond that acted as the real apology?  Of course she was.  Next time, Kobe, skip the pointless waterworks and stick to the preposterous jewelry. 

Todd Bertuzzi After Nearly Killing Steve Moore

I wouldn't say that Todd Bertuzzi didn't feel bad after punching Moore in the head from behind and driving him face first into the ice.  It was such a pussyful move that his dick probably fell off, and that would make anybody feel bad.  I would say that he didn't give a shit about injuring Moore.  After all, you don't punch someone in the head from behind and then drive their face into the ground with the assumption that they won't be injured. 

And, in a sort of parallel to the Kobe incident, you don't punch someone in the head from behind by accident.  Sure, he was sorry about what he'd done... but only because everyone hated him.  If you're going to be a cold-blooded villain, you might as well stay frozen; don't melt when you inevitably draw heat for your actions.  Bertuzzi should have been suspended for the rest of that season for his hit and then one additional season for every tear.

Why Are You Crying?

Wayne Gretzky After His Trade to the Kings

The Great One had an astoundingly Not-So-Great reaction during the press conference to announce that he'd been traded from his beloved Oilers in 1988.  He blubbered like a little bitch, leading some observers to rechristen him "Whine" Gretzky.  As being traded is more or less a tacit condition of being a professional sportsman, Gretzky essentially was crying over the fact that he got paid millions of dollars to play hockey.  Given the fact that it was widely rumored at the time that Gretzky himself instigated the trade as a means to further his wife's acting career (you may have seen her as "Alpha" in 1995's straight-to-video blockbuster Tough and Deadly), a reasonable question to ask Gretzky at the press conference might have been, "Uh, dude... what the fuck?"

Manuel Wright Getting Yelled at by Nick Saban

Speaking of "what the fuck."  How is it possible to make it all the way to the NFL without ever having been yelled at by a coach?  Or, maybe the mammoth 345lb rookie defensive tackle has always cried... in which case, how is it possible that he made it to the NFL?  Paradoxes aside, Wright really did make it to the League and really was seen wiping the tears from his eyes during practice after having been dressed down by Saban.  Or maybe he just had fat in his eyes.  

Seriously, Why the Fuck Are You Crying?

Roger Federer After Winning Wimbledon

It's one totally ugly and shameful thing to cry when you've just lost.  It's another bag of pansies altogether to cry after you win.  The fact that it was Federer, a man who is as bad-ass as his sport will allow him to be, made it all the more angering.  Maybe he was just feeling really empathetic toward everyone he'd have to play for the rest of his career.  Or maybe he's just a closet bitch.

Mark Cuban As Dirk Nowitzki Accepted the MVP

If you haven't noticed, we're now squarely into the part of the list (the end) that is fucking absurd.  If anything, he should have been crying over the fact that he's paying a man over 10 million dollars a year to put together probably the single weakest playoff performance in the history of the game, and certainly the weakest to win the MVP award almost immediately afterward.  Mark Cuban is definitely an odd duck, though.  Maybe irony makes him cry. 

Adam Morrison Crying With 2.6 Seconds Left Against UCLA

You might argue that this one should go in with the rest of the Loser Tears.  However, what distinguishes Ammo's outburst from the rest of that category is the fact that his team had not even fucking lost yet when his inner nancy surfaced.  In fact, they were only down by one point, and -- although UCLA had just stolen the ball -- Morrison was supposed to be (and probably was) the most dangerous scorer in all of college basketball.  The absolute last thing Gonzaga needed was his emotional capitulation.  That, though, is what they got in what will hopefully long-maintain the throne as the absolute whiniest, most intolerably embarrassing moment in the history of sport.