Everything I needed to know about women, I learned from Bruce Wayne

If you have over a billion dollars at your disposal and everyone in your respective city knows your name, it’s easy for you to walk up to any woman you desire and say, “My name’s Bruce Wayne. I have a yacht I’d like to see you on.” If you’re not fabulously wealthy, then you’ll have to settle for having charm, charisma, and balls the size of grapefruit to fear no woman’s rejection. Approach your intended with a witty comment about whatever situation you’re in and come off with a sophisticated yet mysterious air about you. If you have to, mentally reference the fact that Bruce Wayne was a badass because he knew 30 different pressure points that could render a woman unconscious, and 40 places on a woman’s body that could make her orgasm. Between those two things, his ego was unstoppable. In other words, the more knowledge you’re armed with, the better the result, and the more confident you are in your abilities, the confident she’ll be in getting with you.

Supposing you get past the initial screening, get her number, and actually negotiate a first date, you need to be on point in all things you do if you plan for her to ride the train to happy town. To that end, I borrow a popular slogan from a bracelet and replace it with: What Would Bruce Wayne Do (WWBWD)?  

Nailing the First Date

First, Bruce Wayne would not be concerned with money. Repeat, money is no object. Does this mean be frivolous and spend wildly? No. What it does mean is that you take charge of all situations and show no visible reaction to price. After all, Bruce Wayne is a man who goes for what he wants, and if you want to see her O face, you better step up your game and act like the Alpha Male that Bruce Wayne would be. Dress for the part, look as smooth and sophisticated as your wardrobe will allow to show her that you are a man of action (but do NOT come on the first date dressed in your Batsuit).

Be a detective. Size up the type of woman you’re dealing with so you know how to handle her. If she’s a strong minded, independent woman, treat her as an equal, but still be a man about it; make a few suggestions about the menu, influence her decision, but let her feel she has control and that you’re not overly aggressive. If she’s more submissive, take charge; perhaps, when it comes time to order, order for her…something that sounds sophisticated but doesn’t break your bank. Work smarter, not harder.

Second, all’s fair in lust and war. It’s a pretty safe bet that if the money didn’t work for BW, he played up the sympathy aspect on a first date. “My parents were killed in a dark alley, and I’ve been a lonely, lonely orphan since I was 8 years old.” I bet there are women reading that sentence right now who are taking off their panties in sympathy. In other words, have compelling conversation that stimulates her mind so she’ll stimulate yours. And by yours I mean penis.

Now, if you run into a situation where she’s not very interesting to you, but you want to stay the course because she’s got some really awesome cleavage (which, by the way, you shouldn’t actually stare at…look at the area in the neighborhood of her chin so you can steal glances down and still catch her gaze when she looks at you), don’t forget to look really interested and intense as she talks, as though you’re concentrating on her every word (the best way to achieve this look is to mimic the last time you were really constipated and were trying with all your might to obtain that relief). Nod occasionally to acknowledge what she’s saying and to help yourself stay conscious. When she stops talking, repeat back the last thing that she said in the form of a question so that she believes you’re listening, and also so you can come back from whatever fantasy world you probably lapsed into while she was speaking…most likely the one where you’re driving the Batmobile through your city’s streets, smashing through traffic like cookies in a plastic bag about to get crushed by a building (That’s an L.L. Cool J reference, kids). 

Or, you could pretend you have a billion dollars and a yacht, but remember that she may want to see it, in which case you better either have a rich and generous buddy, or know where the schedule of the yachts in the local marina and pray to whatever deity you believe in that you don’t get caught.

Wooing Her Senseless

So you actually made it past the first date. Congratulations. Maybe you got lucky, maybe you didn’t. Either way, you’ve decided you want to keep seeing this girl, either because a) you genuinely like her, b) because she’s a positive diversion from the darker life that you haven’t told her about, or c) because she’s freaky in the sack and you like that, you cheeky monkey you. In any case, we ask again, WWBWD? How would BW keep a woman he likes around for a length of time? He’d woo her senseless.

As we learned in the previous section, for BW, money’s no object. This is a guy who would fill a girl’s apartment full of every type of rose because she “loves flowers”, or would fly on a whim to Italy because she said she “hadn’t been to a decent Italian restaurant in years.” But the real point here is that BW, the Dark Detective, pays attention to EVERYTHING that the girl says, looks for windows into her personality by taking inventory of the things she is constantly surrounded by: home, car, job…and then thinks outside the box to surprise her and WOO her. Learn to look for the subtle (and not so subtle) hints and clues she drops in everyday conversation, then play on that which you’ve learned from that bit of detective work you’ve done. The gifts that you bring don’t have to be expensive, but they do have to be somewhat thought out. Remember, Bruce Wayne’s one of the smartest guys there is (you know, if he were real), so on the occasions that he would buy something for a woman he actually cared about, it would be something meaningful that endears the woman to him and makes her more likely to a) keep any and all secrets and secret identities a secret, and b) fellate him. That could be you.

Get Involved, Adopt a Puppy

Bruce Wayne is always giving money to charity. Is it because he has no idea what to do with his money? Is it because he’s just that nice of a guy? Maybe. But it’s also because hot women love men who give something back. Bruce Wayne may be genuinely a good guy who wants to help people, but let’s face it, have you seen the women that show up to the “Orphan Charity Ball”? There’s guaranteed to be insanely hot women there.

What does this mean to you? It means that the woman you want probably will love it if you do something selfless…give something of yourself under the guise of caring about someone or something other than yourself. No money to give? No problem. Give your time, give your energy…Worst case scenario? Adopt a puppy. She’ll melt because you saved him from certain doom and because puppies are so damn cute she’ll go all melty. Do something good for someone/something else, she’ll feel good about giving something of herself to you. And by something I mean sex.

The Baddies Will Want Your Woman

If we’ve learned anything from Bruce Wayne’s track record with women, it’s that the bad guys always go after his woman. Always. Whether it’s coincidence or a well placed target, BW’s girl is always caught up in the mix. What does this mean to you? There’s always going to be “bad guys” trying to get at your women. There will always be some rival who wants to get at her either as a slight against you, or, more likely, for her sweet, sweet tits. Once again, we have to ask…WWBWD? BW takes it in stride, and so should we.

BW is the man and he knows it. He’s not worried about what guys are going after his woman. He knows for a fact that she isn’t going anywhere unless it’s by force, and that he’s handled his business with her so well that she’s not going to give up his secret to the bad guys. Remember, perceived power is still power nonetheless. If people think you’re a force to be reckoned with, they will treat you as such…

In similar fashion, being “the man” to your woman (and by that, I mean being the man that she respects and desires to be with) means that she’ll have no desire to give it up to another guy. That’s not to say she won’t find another dude attractive; obviously she’s going to check out other guys just as you check out other women (don’t lie), but you’ll have earned the top dog spot with her, so you’ll have no worries about her falling for the villains that want a piece of her.

Screw Her Mom, Give Her Dad a Rolls

Most women are in some form or fashion “Daddy’s little girl”, and as such, that makes “Daddy” your potential archenemy. Most men worry about the girl’s mom’s approval, but it’s the dad who will truly be able to shut things down for you. Women tend to always look for their father’s approval, and even sometimes suffer from the Elektra Complex (think Oedipus, but reverse the genders). After all, Daddy is the first man a girl loves, and all men in some form or fashion are compared to him on some level.

With that in mind, we ask, WWBWD? He’d buy Dad a Rolls Royce just for having such a fine daughter. What does this mean for you? Simple. If you want the girl, do what you have to do to win her father’s approval…show him that you’re a man he can respect and can rest assured will take care of his little girl. …Not THAT way, you perv. The last thing you want to do is cue Daddy in on how you’re “taking care of his little girl” in the sex department. Even Bruce Wayne wouldn’t have the audacity to do that.

However, remember that for some fathers, no man, not even rich Bruce Wayne, is good enough for his little girl. In that regard, you’ll have to at least earn his respect, and keep hers high enough that she’ll overlook her father’s disapproval. Of course, if all else fails, you could ship him off to Fiji, never to be seen again.

Never a Dull Moment

One thing Bruce Wayne’s women can never, ever say is that they’re bored. Whether it’s jet setting around the world or being thrown off of the city’s tallest building by a horribly scarred psychopath wearing clown makeup, the women in BW’s life are always wondering, “What’s next?” The lesson we can learn here is that Bruce Wayne’s life is exciting, and by extension, his women have to always be on their toes. This isn’t to say that psychopaths tossing women off buildings is a good thing, but it is accurate to say that spontaneity in a relationship is healthy and exciting.

Even a woman who demands a sense of security and routine likes a bit of mystery and unpredictability in her life. Keep the action steady and unpredictable and never let her know what’s next. Whatever you do, do not fall into a rut or a routine that is too predictable. Structure is one thing, but keep it lively and interesting or those aforementioned villains may have a way in to your secret cave. Instead, keep her on her toes and she’ll be off her feet in no time.

Ahead of the Curve

One thing that Bruce Wayne knows is that his women have the misfortune of biting the dust because of his alter-ego’s dealings with the criminal element. BW knows that there’s a very real probability that he’ll find himself single again. If they’re not viciously murdered by some vengeful nut-job making a name for himself, they’re running away because they can’t handle his deep, dark secret. After all, learning that your man dresses up in a bat costume and beats up criminals on a nightly basis is definitely cause for pause. Any woman that didn’t at least consider making a break for it after learning that obviously has severe issues herself.

Because of this, BW enjoys each relationship for what it is, and plays them by ear, not making any long term plans early on in the relationship. BW is well aware that anything can happen at any time, and that he must be ever vigilant and ready for the single life again. BW learned this lesson the hard way, having put his entire hope for normalcy on one woman’s promise to be with him after he straightened things out. Instead, she fell in love with someone else and got blown to smithereens. The lesson here is to never let your sole happiness reside in a woman. One’s happiness should never be dependent on the thoughts and feelings of another person, as people are fickle and can change at a moment’s notice. Have other things in life to live for…other things that make you happy and content. The other person in your relationship should be an addition to your life, not your sole reason for living.

So, when you find yourself in a situation with a woman, whether you’re just meeting her or whether you’ve been with her for some time, ask yourself that five word question…

What Would Bruce Wayne Do?