11.13.08 From the Viking
DV Wingman: Lingerie – The Gift for You… Oh, and Her, Too (page 1)
Written by Ian Coburn
Be sure to pick up a copy of Ian’s bestselling book God is a Woman: Dating Disasters. Find excerpts and Ian's other columns here.
It’s time to get her a gift. Why? Who knows. Maybe it’s her birthday. (In this case, maybe it’s your birthday.) Maybe it’s an important anniversary for you two, like a year since you started to date, or a month since your threesome with her best friend (yeah, right), or six weeks since the first time she ate something off your fork (more likely). Whatever it may be—a legit anniversary or some woman made-up one, she’s made it clear you have to get her a gift. What should it be? Why lingerie, of course. Why would you buy her anything else? It’s perfect! Not so fast, Romeo. Buying lingerie is a tricky business, so pay close attention.
Do not try to wing it when it comes to buying lingerie. It’s not as simple as checking the size of a pair of her panties and heading out to the store with the information, let alone risking a venture in the general categories of “small,” “medium,” and “large.” Sizes vary across stores and brands. There are all kinds of algebraic formulas used to calculate the differences in sizes. These equations are far beyond the understanding of men. In fact, that’s what Einstein was working on when he finally gave up and settled for solving the equation of the speed of light, instead. If you wing it when it comes to buying her lingerie, one of two things will happen:
You’ll buy lingerie that’s too big. She’ll hurl it at you, screaming, “You think I fit in these? What are you trying to say? That I’m fat? That I wear this huge size? That I have a big ass?” She’ll cry, doors will slam, and you’ll be sleeping nowhere near her.
You’ll buy lingerie that’s too small. She’ll hurl it at you, screaming, “You think I fit in these? What are you trying to say? That I’m fat? That I should fit into this unrealistically small size? That I have a big ass?” She’ll cry, doors will slam, and you’ll be sleeping nowhere near her.
Kari Payne, Bra Specialist (why wasn’t that a major at my college?) at Victoria’s Secret in the Century Mall in Lakeview, Chicago, recommends buying your precious a gift basket of bath oils and soaps. “Pamper her, that’s what women really want,” comments Kari. She suggests that you place a gift card in the basket, so that your lady can come in for a proper fitting. Kari adds, “A lot of women don’t even wear the right sizes when it comes to bras. Once they are fitted into the proper size, they are very pleased with their new found comfort.” (See how much I care? I research this stuff. I spent an entire afternoon at Victoria’s Secret, talking with Kari and random women trying on panties and bras. This is a tough gig and I take it seriously!)
If you simply must buy the lingerie yourself, be smart. Swipe her favorite pair, the one she expresses satisfaction over repeatedly. Take them with you to a lingerie specialty store and hand them over to the experts. They will match the size and you’ll be golden.
Now, you’ll have to excuse me. I’m off to try and convince Kari to let me sit in and observe a day of bra fitting, for important research I’m conducting . . . I’m picking up where Einstein left off.
Share this on Digg, Facebook, Stumbleupon, etc.
Also, that's the best pic they could find of Adriana Lima and Karolina Kurkova involving bras?
Admin wants you to know that we tried looking for those two attempting to try on bras at a Victoria's Secret store.
"we"- nominative plural of I.
for shame. jibson wants to see some serious cranking now.
"he and his colleagues..."
Want to write a comment?
