DV Wingman: Double Dating Is Not Cool

That being said, a mere microsecond of deep thinking concerning the matter will reassure you that it’s absolutely fucking retarded on every conceivable level. No matter your rationalization, no matter your reasoning and no matter your dependence on the social availability of others, double dating is not cool, and in case you’ve forgotten, I’ll tell you why once more.

Harsh Reality #1 – You Never Pick The Right Girl.

I remember a double date that took place the year before I went to college. My friend Vinny and I double dated with two women he had just met, named Jessica and Kelly. Jessica was outgoing, laughed at all of my terrible jokes, willingly guzzled more Zima than I would ever care to stomach, looked like she was passionate about everything she did with her body and seemed to be down for almost anything that I could envision. She made one of the best first impressions I’ve ever received.

Problem was, I picked Kelly. The closest that I came to taking her into the backseat of my 1986 Buick Somerset was when I had to pull over so she could throw up in the cemetery at the outskirts of town. Opportunity squandered.

You never pick the right girl. It doesn’t matter the criteria or rigorous Female Selection Process you’ve spent an adolescent lifetime creating using psychological data, Venn diagrams and an innate knowledge of every movie that Meg Ryan ever made in the 90’s. You’ll blow it, and inevitably choose the friend of the girl that you want to date. It’s personally happened to me at least nine times, and I’ve only had four serious girlfriends for my entire life. Figure that shit out.

Nope, the girl that you think will be a slam-dunk will turn out to be the one that doesn’t believe in eye contact until after the courtship process has entered its third year, and her best friend will almost assuredly have her clothes off by the time you drop her off at your friend’s house. What a bastard; which brings my ever so eloquently to my next point.

Harsh Reality #2 – Your Friend Isn’t Looking Out For You.

Sure, you brought him along to ease the mood. To bring out the best in you. To help smooth the transition between the awkward beginning and theorized R-rated climax to your date. Truth is, however, that when it comes to women and sex, all bets are off and it’s every man for himself.

Think about it; your best friend is a shitty wingman, and if given the choice between loyalty and anonymous intercourse, he’ll disappear into the night every chance he got. Don’t blame him; you do the exact same thing. The Titanic bond of male friendship just cannot seem to surpass the ironclad iceberg of lady parts, and it’s almost mutually assured that betrayal at some point is inevitable.

Harsh Reality #3 – They’re Onto You Before You Even Talk.

As previously stated, for a male, you bring a friend along to loosen you up, appear make you funnier and increase your chances of catching some as-of-yet unidentified sexually transmitted disease. The woman you’ve chosen to date, on the other hand, has brought her friend along for the exact opposite reason. Their goal (unless you’ve stumbled into some truly amazing good luck, which, let’s face it, probably isn’t in the cards), is to keep you in check and leave together, just not with you.

Your best bet is to go at it alone, think up a few conversation starters beforehand, and try really hard not to paw at her or yodel groceries into her purse. Shower up, smell nice and keep the conversation light; women know if they want to sleep with you within the first 10 seconds of meeting you, so it truly matters not what you say after the initial greeting. Them’s the breaks, dude.