DV Wingman: "Do I Look Fat in This?" (page 1)

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“Do I look fat in this?”

“Which should I wear, the red blouse or the white one?”

“Do you think she’s prettier than me?” 

Aaargh! It’s enough to make a guy pull his hair out. We’ve all been asked them, we’ve all fallen victim to them, and we all have to deal with them. What are they? The absolutely ridiculous questions girlfriends or wives ask. 

We’re not going to answer whether a woman looks fat in something, we don’t know what a blouse is, and no one is prettier than our beloved. So why do they ask these questions? It’s not the answer they’re after; they’re after the way we answer. Why did you hesitate when she asked if she looked fat? Why did you have to look at the woman before answering she wasn’t prettier? It’s a ridiculous, annoying game, which we can never win… or can we?  

I have never had to deal with the stupid questions women ask while dating more than once for each woman I’ve dated. What? How is that possible? What’s my tactic? I simply threaten to withhold sex for a month anytime they ask a stupid question… Truthfully, I beat the question with complete absurdity. I give her nowhere to go, no reason to get angry; the only thing she can do is stop playing the game. How do I use absurdity? Here are my answers to the above questions: 

“Do I look fat in this?”

“I’m sorry, did you say something? I wasn’t paying attention; I was too focused on holding onto this chair to avoid being sucked into your gravitational pull.” 

“Which should I wear, the red blouse or the white one?”

“Wear the white one; I was planning to wear the red.” 

“Do you think she’s prettier than me?”

“I would sell you into white slavery if she would just talk to me.” 

See? There’s nowhere for her to go. I’ve left her no room. My comments are so outlandish all she can do is laugh. And, more importantly, never play the question game with me again. 

So the next time you get asked some dumbass question by your girlfriend or wife, intended to find fault with you no matter how you answer or what you say, crush it with an outlandish response. Of course, I should tell you that I think my current girlfriend is slowly poisoning me with a pinch of antifreeze in all of my drinks because of my outlandish answer, but hey, I’m sure all you guys would agree that is far preferable to playing the question game. 

Oh, all right, there’s probably one last thing I should mention, if I’m going to be a good wingman: If a woman asks you questions like these, she feels you are not paying her enough attention. She bought a new blouse and you didn’t notice. She got her haircut. She lost 3 ounces. Whatever ridiculous thing it is that she’s making a big deal about, it’s a big deal to her. So, after you squash her stupid questions with a firm, “Yes, you’re fat, but that’s okay because I only started dating you so I could sleep with your sister,” be sure to pay close attention to her for the next few weeks. Compliment her on things she’ll be surprised you noticed—a good grade on a test lying on her desk (requiring you to actually read something on her desk while she’s out instead of flipping through her panty drawer; that will definitely impress her), compliment her new sweater, yada yada yada. You get the idea. 

Once a woman complained because I never seemed to care what she wore when we went out. I lined up all her sexiest panties on her bed when she went to the bathroom. When she came out I said, “I’ve been thinking about what you said and you’re right. Let’s select what you should wear to the party tonight.” I started holding up different pairs of panties, one at a time, and she burst into laughter. We made out, then, much to my surprise because she hadn’t let me do anything but kiss her before, she stripped down and tried on each pair of panties for me. We never made it to the party and after all my hard work to help her decide what to wear! It does pay to give your woman some attention… in dividends (nice, given today’s financial market).