DV Wingman: Cats vs. Dogs (page 1)

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(Partially excerpted from God is a Woman: Dating Disasters.) 

There is a ridiculous notion that men should avoid women with cats, especially when they are in their thirties (the women, not the cats), while it is fine to date women with dogs. Truthfully, it is better to date women with cats than women with dogs. Women with dogs have too many excuses available to them and require extra work. 

“I have to go home and walk my dog.” 

Is she telling the truth or does she just want to end the date early? 

“I have to go home and walk my cat.” 

Obviously, the woman is not interested. This is a great line women with cats should use to get rid of unwanted guys. It’s crystal clear and non-confrontational. Who could ask for more? 

If you date a woman with a dog, guess who gets to walk the dog? Yeah, you. And the prettier the woman, the uglier and smaller the dog. I once saw some poor schmuck walking some pocket-sized creature down the street. I say creature because it couldn’t have been a real dog. It looked like a gremlin fucked a rat. 

That guy is dating a gorgeous woman or he is very, very gay, I thought. He could have salvaged both the dignity of men and dogs if he had just shoved the damn thing into his pocket, so no one had to see it. I have never seen a guy walking a cat. 

Cats are independent, so women don’t have to rush home for their “pussies,” which means you can focus on theirs… Once, I did have a woman I was dating put her cat on the phone to talk to me. At first, I didn’t know what was going on; she just told me someone wanted to say goodnight. “Okay…” I sat on the phone, waiting, when I started to hear a low, grinding sound. It got louder and I realized it had to be a vibrator. Nice! I got aroused and was getting ready to whip it out when I realized it wasn’t a vibrator at all; it was her cat purring! Not the pussy I thought… I shudder at the thought that I almost jerked off to a cat purring. Who the hell puts their cat on the phone to say goodnight? In that instance, yes, fear the woman with the cat. In most cases, though, if you have to choose, go with cat owners over dog owners. The ideal woman is the one with mice and cockroaches as pets; she’ll have no problem hanging out at your place and may even find some new pets to take home.