DV EXPOSE: Why You Should Partake in Clinical Trials

It's risky

Men love doing risky things. Men live to do risky things. I say live in italics because even the act of living takes place on that riskiest of areas: on the edge. Men shy away from the safe, the secure. This is why clinical trials, of course, are so well-suited to the modern man.

You could get paid, but you could get incredible groin itching. You could try a new cure-all drug, but you could experience severe anal leakage. You might reap the benefits of cutting-edge medical technology, but you could contract birdflu-cancer-AIDS-SARS-gonorrhea and feel like a miserable collection of diseases and fungus.

Which is awesome.

There's no reason to do anything if the element of risk is not involved. Why dick around with safe bets? Clinical trials are about high risk and high reward -- anyone who doesn't at least attempt to live their life by those tenets probably doesn't visit this website terribly often.  

It's like free medical attention

You may not have known, but you can actually choose trials based on medical area -- you don't just get randomly assigned to try out a random drug for whoknowswhat. If you're suffering from, say, a gastroenterological problem and feel, for financial or confidence reasons, like you won't get the care you need, it's always possible that there's some as-yet-unproven drug waiting in the wings to cure you of your horrendous acid reflux. As we live in the good ol' US of A where we have to pay for our ability to live and function like normal human beings, clinical testing may be the only way to get the affordable care for your Fiery Anus Syndrome.

But additionally, many clinical patients get totally free or partially discounted medical care not just in relation to their specific testing drug, but in general; it's to the FDA's advantage to keep their test patients alive and healthy to keep the drug surveys as efficient as possible, so they'll pay to keep you healthy. Not a bad exchange for potential anal leakage or death, eh?

You can do a hell of a lot with the cash you get

Robert Rodriguez financed the entirety of El Mariachi with funds he received from clinical drug testing. The fame he got from El Mariachi allowed him to make Desperado, meet Quentin Tarantino, and bang Rose McGowan for like a month straight. 

In other words, the lesson is: do enough clinical testing and you'll be able to bang Rose McGowan.

But seriously, the amount of money offered by these trials is nothing to sneeze at: as they can go on for months, you are paid as you would in a real job, except your job is just to take drugs and get on with your life. Those looking to be starving artists can get cash to fuel their creative pursuits without having to get a 9-5 retail. Those frat guys who want to get a "job" to appease their parents without actually getting into the workforce can put off true responsibility by at least a year or so.

Everyone hears about the side effects, the government funding, and the whole pharmaceutical complex: they don't hear about the fact that testing actually pays reasonably well.

You might get superpowers

It's no guarantee, of course, but think about it: how did Steve Rogers turn into Captain America? He volunteered for experimental drug testing, sponsored by the US Government. While you might not gain access to the new Super Soldier serum (something leads me to believe Cheney would forcibly get his hands on that before he'd let the working class touch it), you could always hope for some genetic mutation. Maybe some misplaced gamma rays will turn you into the Hulk, or an experimental hair regrowth medication could interrupt your genetic sequencing and give you the ability to climb walls and engage in ridiculous musical numbers.

Even if, worst case scenario, you go blind or something, you could always consider it the way Matt Murdock did -- your other senses are heightened to compensate, and you become a blind badass. 

Generally, almost every superpower in existence originates from some sort of scientific or medical accident or breakthrough: clinical trials basically put you at the center of all those potential situations.

"People who volunteer... gain access to promising drugs"

I don't know about you, but I really like the look of that sentence.

It's not too often you get to hear a phrase like "promising drugs" thrown out by a US government-backed organization, especially when the situation in question isn't some sort of sting operation by the DEA. In addition to the money and the risk and the possible superpowers, you get drugs -- you know, those things God gave us so we can deal with the everyday pain of existence with a little more ease. 

Again, if you wanna try signing up for a clinical trial, go here. You can search by location, or medical area, or whatever. And it's free, and stuff.

And if you turn into the Hulk or something, please post here and tell us which trial you got into. Because we want in on that shit.