DV Expose: Why Vikings Are the Next Big Thing

You've tried the rest

Pirates, ninjas, and Chuck Norris have all worn out their welcome. The samurai got kinda boring once Tom Cruise ruined them. There is now a void in the popular historical badass category, and vikings exist to fill that very void with mead and severed limbs and gallons upon gallons of jism.

Ninjas were cool because they were totally silent and deadly; pirates were cool because they were loud and smelly and violent, but got a lot of tail and cash. In this sense, Vikings are merely a combination of the best parts from both ninjas and pirates. They have the deadly skill of a ninja without all the boring subtlety, and they get all the sex and money and glory that pirates do, but without having to smell like ass or spend weeks dealing with scurvy. Vikings cut through the BS.

Mindless violence is always in vogue

Who can't respect the concept of the berserker? Defined by Wikipedia as "Norse warriors who wore coats of wolf or bear skin," the berserkers fought with an uncontrollable rage and bloodlust which, apart from being pretty deadly in its own right, fucking terrified their enemies. These motherfuckers were crazy enough to run into battle without armor, dual-wielding axes or swords, simply cutting everything down which came into their path. 

Berserkers were used to break and panic enemy ranks through power of fear. Berserkers probably used psychotropic substances to prevent themselves from feeling pain and give them the necessary anger to destroy their enemies. Berserkers were so violent that even today, the term "going berserk" references the idea of going batshit insane with violent rage.

In other words, berserkers are fucking badass. It's only a matter of time until the world realizes this.

Also

Erik the Red managed to trick an entire country of people into moving to a frigid, more or less barren new country, simply by calling it "Greenland."

That is awesome.

Beowulf

The time is right for vikings, as proven by the success of Beowulf. People are finally ready to see Aryan-looking men hack the everloving shit out of other Aryan men; despite mixed reviews, Beowulf made a decent amount of coin because we've finally gotten past our reverse-racist fear of watching buff, blonde, European white dudes kill the shit out of monsters and other buff, blonde, European white dudes. 

Granted, Beowulf really only kills Grendel and some other mythical creatures throughout the film, but it's only a couple steps from "it is awesome when Beowulf kills a creepy monster played by Crispin Glover" to "it is awesome when Beowulf kills."

Pirates, Vikings, and Knights 2.0 is out

This will probably only apply to your gamer nerds out there -- which is another way of saying, "this applies to you" -- but the great Half-Life 2 mod Pirates, Vikings, and Knights 2.0 is finally out. In it, you can play as or against two types of knights, Vikings, and pirates for control over loot and glory. The knights use a clever mixture of offensive and defensive manuevers, the pirates use mostly ranged attacks, and as for the Vikings...well, what do you think? They do exactly what Vikings are supposed to do -- run into battle with axes flailing, cutting down everyone who gets in their path before dying gloriously once the berserker mode dies down.

Yeah, there's a berserker mode. Once you activate it, you won't feel any damage until it ends; this means you can hypothetically run into a crowd of pirates, kill every last one of them, and then drop down dead once the last enemy has been extinguished. This is the best simulation of a Viking's daily life that has ever been created.

Ever.

TECHNOVIKING

Bask in his glory.