DV EXPOSE: Why Democrats Aren't Manly

 

 

DEMOCRATS ARE AGAINST GUNS

No matter what your position on guns is, you have to admit that they're pretty manly.  Sure, they're dangerous. Sure, their availability might lead to an increase in street violence and school shootings. But all that doesn't take into account that, like Seth Rogen says in "Superbad," having a gun is "like having two cocks. If one of your cocks could kill someone."

Democrats might be obviously right about the downside of guns and it still wouldn't sway a majority of dude voters... a couple school shootings is a small price to pay for your legal protection to own a cock that shoots fire at things. Wow, guns rule.

DEMOCRATS ARE AGAINST WAR

It doesn't matter if you're a Democrat or a Republican. If you're a dude, when you were a little kid you played war. If you're my age (or, strangely enough, my dad's age) you played with GI Joes. If you're a different generation, you might've played with fake guns and cowboy gear (and if you're cool like that, you're still wearing chaps... shiver).  

When we got older (and, as some would argue, smarter) we had "all the facts" and decided if we still liked war or not. On this issue, Democrats are the ones who decided they don't want to play war anymore (they'd rather smoke weed and listen to Medeski, Martin & Wood) and Republicans are the ones who still get a boner at the sound of stampeding "injuns." Girls, however, never played war. They played "house" (which is why abortion is so important to them).

Of course, the decision whether or not America should go to the various wars we go to is far more complicated than I've illustrated. That's why you'll find pro-war Democrats (like Hillary Clinton... hehe) and anti-war Republicans (here's our obligatory Ron Paul reference). But when it comes to dudes like you and me who are deciding who to vote for in an election, the breakdown above captures their feelings on this issue in a nutshell. And a majority of dudes, it would seem, vote with their gun-toting, chaps-sporting two-year-old selves.

DEMOCRATS ARE FOR SAVING THE ENVIRONMENT (AND THUS ARE AGAINST CARS) 

This issue won't be relevant in 10 years. By then, Republicans will HAVE to care about the environment too and Democrats will be running around gloating in their gas masks (which will be needed to breathe the air outside the Great Bubble). But for now, Democrats are the party of environmental protection policy. That's not to say Republicans hate the environment. No one wants to see trees go extinct. But thanks to a hefty helping of bullshit from large corporations and our media, when people talk about the environment these days, it's almost exclusively a discussion about your car.

Thanks to laziness and bad reporting, dudes who love their cars have been turned into the villains of the early 21st century thanks to their horrible impact on the environment. And while cars certainly fuck up the air (see LA or Mexico City for evidence), corporate polluting is far more dangerous and rampant than any exhaust pooping out of your Humvee. Although, dude, your Hummer IS pretty gay.

So, on this issue, it doesn't logically make sense that it aligns dudes with the Republican party... but thanks to douches out there who want to keep pumping toxic waste into your little baby cousin's wading pool, car-loving guys vote Republican.

DEMOCRATS ARE THE PARTY OF HILLARY CLINTON

Now more than ever, Hillary Clinton is a political liability. She seems like a smart enough woman and we all like her husband (even conservatives dug him as a villain) but the positive buck stops there. That's because bitch is crazy.

Even Democrats, for the most part, hate her ass. But that won't (and shouldn't) stop people from associating the Democratic Party with CRAZY EYES!!

Wow. That's scary.

 

LEGALIZE DRUGS

The only people who are against smoking weed are dead. Everyone digs a joint, from Republican to Democrat. But since dead people make up a large part of the Republican Party's base (especially dead people from the South), they'll never press for the legalization of da ganja.

That's where the Democrats should step in. If they really want to capture some common man (with the emphasis on man) votes, the Dems should run on a legalize drugs campaign. I fucking SWEAR it'll work, bro. Now kick over the hackey sack Ay SAP.

 

RECRUIT SOME HOT CHICKS

There has been a pretty famous JPEG that's made the rounds on Republican message boards with the title of "Why Most Men Are Republican." The JPEG is repeated below:

Ouch. Even if every other chick was hot, Helen Thomas and Andrea Dworkin are so fucking ugly they'd still sink the Dems in the hot category. Now the list is a bit unfair because for the Republicans, they include a few hotties who vote Repub but aren't politicians (we're looking at you, Bo Derek... ), but according to TMZ.com, celebrity Democrats can include Jessica Alba and Angelina Jolie in their ranks.

What the Democrats NEED is a vocal female supporter who is smoking hot. Jessica Alba is too stupid for that role and Angelina Jolie is far too annoying. So Democrats, if you want the male "person I'd like to fuck" vote, you need to recruit some hot chicks. 

GROW SOME BALLS

Guys have balls and, thus, they respect people who have them, too. So, Democrats: grow a pair.

This means you have to stop waffling every time someone calls you out in the press. When President Bush fucks up words in his speeches and "The Daily Show" makes fun of him, does he respond? Fuck no! Nor does he stop fucking up words. He STILL can't pronounce "nuclear."

This also means you should stick up for what you really believe in. When Republicans want to shit all over welfare, they do it (Reagan's "There are welfare queens driving Cadillacs" speech comes to mind). So if you're a Democrat and you believe in welfare, make a speech like: "Welfare rocks and if you don't like it, then you're retarded." And when retards inevitably complain, tell them to fuck off. They might be retarded, but they know what "fuck off" means.

IN CONCLUSION

I'll divulge that I'm a Democrat. I'm also pretty manly. It just takes one look at my chest to figure that out. I don't think my party has a chance of winning over die hard Republicans. We shouldn't even try to. But the Dems SHOULD think about those dudes who are on the fence. Also, plz legalize weed. For me.