DV Expose: Why Are Brazilian Women So Hot?

A History of Hotness

Brazil has been historically interesting since the beginning. Initially a major sugar exporter, Brazil was one of the few Spanish possessions to resist invasions and dictatorships during the 18th century. Portugal so treasured the colony of Brazil that they actually sent its people gold bullion to protect its integrity -- quite an unusual action. It's almost as if Portugal knew Brazil had something special in it, something that made it a South American treasure worth protecting and keeping pure.

In other words, they must have known the place was more or less dripping with babes. There's no other explanation. The Portuguese made some half-assed attempts to colonize parts of America, Canada and other South American areas, but Brazil was their baby -- their hot, bikini-clad, long legged baby whom they would cut off several fingers to have sex with.

The Portuguese colonists had a great deal of sex with each other and their African slaves, which leads to Spanish/African mixed babies, which, when you combine the hearty strength of a manual laborer with the suntanned body of a Portuguese colonist, lead to genetic hotness (if you don't believe me, eat pieces of caramel and dark chocolate at the same time). As Portugal then refused to allow Dutch or French colonists to elbow their way in and partake of the native fruits, the genetic bloodline stayed more or less clean (but not in a creepy ubermensch or disgusting incest kind of way) all through the years.

These are facts.*

Brazil's #1 Export:

Supermodels.

I realize, of course, that this article seeks to explain why Brazilian women are so hot, but -- as many philosophers and Douglas Adams have stated -- often the only reasonable answer to "why" is "why not?" There are so goddamned many gorgeous Brazilian women that it just seems to be a stone-set fact of life that Brazil manufactures beautiful women as a matter of course. For Chrissakes, one country produced all the following women:

Alessandra Ambrosio

Adriana Lima

Isabeli Fontana

Izabel Goulart

Ana Beatriz Barros

Gisele Bundchen

and Juliana Martins.

A Booming Economy

Brazil has the highest GDP in all of Latin America, with significant agricultural and manufacturing sectors and an enormous labor pool. It makes some sense, perhaps, that with their economy going so well, Brazilian citizens are generally less panicked and take the time to care for themselves. It's easier to eat right, exercise and use skin care products when your country isn't quadrillions of dollars in debt -- lord knows we are, and our hottest chick from a decade ago now looks like this:

Coincidence? I don't think so.

War with America

Come to think of it, there's something rather sinister about how many hotties come from Brazil. The surplus hotness Brazil exports on a daily basis could feed the homeless for a decade, if spent properly. It's almost as if Brazil is trying to corner the global market on attractive women -- as if they want a monopoly on sexy.

I am of the opinion that Brazil actually wishes to wage war on the civilized countries of the world by flaunting their women in our faces -- their supermodels act as the greatest combination defense and offense in the history of warfare.

Sure, the US could nuke them into oblivion with our massive superweapon stockpile, but we'd literally be killing the most beautiful women on the planet. Similarly, we might have a more stable government with (arguably) more personal freedoms, but hell; Brazil's got the hottest women! On paper, our lives may be slightly better, but the Brazilian life is more worth living simply because the sex is better. Brazil knows that, outside of disturbing eugenic experiments, there's no real way for the rest of the world to combat their Hottie Army.

Brazilians fight their wars not with bombs, but bosoms. And they are winning.

The Brazilian Wax

Need I say more? Their minds must be on sex on the time, which leads to vaginal waxing, which leads to better sex with better looking women, which leads to better looking kids, which leads to more sex and more hairless vulvas.

God bless Brazil.  

*Kind of.