Know your enemy; watch the trailer

You thought Sex and the City would be the worst affront to testosterone this Summer. You thought it couldn't get any worse than watching Sarah Jessica Parker and her crew bitch about men's stupidity for two and a half hours.

You were wrong. If you can make it to the end of that trailer without contorting your face into a mixture of shock, horror, and fear, then you're a better man than I am.

Or you've got a vagina. 

It's called "The Women" for a reason  

The Women is actually a remake of a 1939 film by George Cukor, which was in turn based on a play, which in turn probably sucked ass because it was a play. Ignoring the plot of the original for a moment, it was noteworthy at the time because literally 100% of its cast, consisting of at least 130 speaking roles, was comprised of women. More than a hundred characters opened their mouths during the original The Women, and not a single one of them had a dick.

Now, look at the trailer again. Can you see a single man? More than likely, director Diane English has followed the precedent set by the original film and has crafted a movie which, despite centering around a man's affair, doesn't include a single male character.

This is, if I can use a gender-nonspecific insult for a moment, pretty goddamn douchey. Sure, there have been many films with all male casts, but such films usually contain a pretty small cast to begin with and are about men being assholes to one another in an isolated environment (The Thing, Twelve Angry Men). Just based on the trailer, The Women doesn't have a small cast, doesn't take place in an isolated environment, and yet still derives some satisfaction from turning the entire production into a Tacofest (if you will). 

Imagine how pissed off women would be if guys made a movie on a huge scale, using big-name male actors, with over a hundred speaking parts, and refused to give a single part to a woman. The feminists would beat their drums and talk about equality, but find no fault in an all-female cast for The Women.

If Meg Ryan was America's sweetheart... 

Then what does it say about America that she's got one of the most horrendous Botox-jobs in recorded history? You can't tell from the ridiculously airbrushed photo above, but, in the trailer, every time Ryan opens her mouth to moan about something she looks like she's puckering to apply lipstick. This flick is, ostensibly, aimed at the same sort of demographic: fortysomething, reasonably successful white chicks who are considering or already underwent cosmetic surgery to retain some visual semblance of their younger days. In a film ostensibly about female empowerment and respecting who you are, this strikes me as absurdly hypocritical.

I don't really have a point other than that. 

It's about white, upper-middle-class women, specifically

And on the subject of Meg Ryan, the entire film does indeed focus on the overly medicated, conservative, rich-to-the-point-of-boredom feminists and their ideals.

Socially, the women all seem to be different sides of the same coin: Meg Ryan is a white, rich, bitchy woman who is being cheated on; Annette Bening is a white, rich, bitchy woman who is obsessed with revenge; Debra Messing is a white, rich, bitchy woman who is pregnant.

The only outlier is Jada Pinkett Smith, who fulfills the dual token roles of being black and a lesbian. God forbid there be two characters to embody those traits -- better to shove all the politically correct crap into one character, just to save the public face of the movie.

One might assume that so long as your significant other isn't a rich white woman, you're safe; since she isn't like any of the characters in the movie, she won't want to see it. Be warned, however; there is always the possibility, however slim, that a woman may envy the lifestyles of these characters. This explains the success of Sex and the City: most of the women who watched the show aren't actually pretentious Madison Avenue bitches, but they may wish they were.

According to The Women, hot chicks are the enemy

Granted, this is indicative of the general opinion amongst ugly women toward attractive ones: all the really hot ones are slutty and evil, mainly due to their lack of sexual inhibition. 

In The Women, the archenemy is Eva Mendes, whose hotness factor exceeds that of her co-stars by a factor of at least eight thousand. Thus, she is the enemy; jealous of Mendes' physicality and sex appeal, viewers of The Women are meant to personally triumph as the comparatively unglamorous Meg Ryan triumphs over her. Since only about three women on the planet are hotter than Eva Mendes, The Women is banking on the fact that its angry, jealous audience will flock to the theatres and revel in the destruction of someone much more sexually appealing than them.

If your girlfriend has self-image issues -- and she does -- she may be at risk for seeing this movie.

Bette Midler is in it

JESUS CHRIST SHE'S SIXTY-THREE YEARS OLD WHAT THE FUCK IS HOLDING HER BODY TOGETHER OTHER THAN PLASTIC AND SELF-RIGHTEOUSNESS

HEAD FOR THE FUCKING HILLS