DV EXPOSE The Security Engagement

 

What's wrong with people getting engaged? Well, normally, absolutely nothing. When you're ready to get married and you need some time to plan your wedding, get your life in order and maybe purchase a house/apartment, then you're gonna need that time to be engaged. That's what we'll call, in this article, a Functional Engagement. That is totally, absolutely legit.

My qualm is with the OTHER kind of engagement. This kind of engagement has many faces, many shapes and sizes and comes around for many different reasons, but for the purposes of this article, we'll call it the Security Engagement.

WHAT IS THE SECURITY ENGAGEMENT

 

 

 

The Security Engagement is any sort of engagement that isn't for a practical, functional reason related to an eventual marriage. If one of the two fiancees has ulterior motives besides a loving union at the end of said engagement, it's a Security Engagement.

The name is derived from the term "security blanket," as in these situations the engagement serves the function of a security blanket for at least one of the parties involved. While it's certainly true that one driving factor of a marriage is for security in one's life (cuz it's nice to know who you're gonna wake up next to in the morning, ya know?), the driving force behind the Security Engagement is some sort of non-legal but socially-observed security. What sort of security, you ask? Well, let's take a look at some REASONS FOR THE SECURITY ENGAGEMENT:

HE OR SHE WAS ABOUT TO GET DUMPED

 

 

 

The most often reason people jump into a Security Engagement is that their relationship is about to end. While normally people get engaged (and eventually married) as a natural outgrowth of their ever building relationship, Security Fiances pop the question on their "lovers" because the relationship is on its last leg.

9 times out of 10 it's men who propose in these situations. Usually a dude's not cutting it, accidentally hits his chick, is being a huge dick head or gets caught cheating and is about to be d-d-d-dumped. We've all been there (or know someone who has) and we all know that when this happens, you (or someone you know) feel like an animal backed up against a wall. And your two options in these situations is to break up (or "killed" if you were an animal) or, out of nowhere, pop the question (or, were you an animal, "strike").

The Getting Dumped Security Engagement mostly serves to buy time. During this "time," which is basically like the relationship equivalent of running on fumes, the guy or girl can either make that last ditch effort to be a great partner (and then the engagement gets upgraded to a real engagement and an eventual marriage) or the guy or girl can spend their fleeting moments attached looking for a new boyfriend or girlfriend.

Most people I know (or know of) who have been in this situation don't end up making it. The main exceptions are when, during this grace period, the girl in the relationship gets pregnant. This situation usually throws logic out the window and the people who were never meant for each other end up getting married and (most likely) eventually divorced. That's right...the characters in "Knocked Up" probably end up getting a divorce a few years later. Sorry to break it to you.

While this is the most common reason for a Security Engagement, it certainly isn't the only reason that exists. Other reasons include...

HE OR SHE WANTS TO ADVERTISE HIS OR HER STATUS

 

 

 

This type of Security Engagement is almost exclusively for couples where at least one member is very, very rich. Mostly these engagements are born out of a gold digging female's desire to advertise how rich her fiancee is. She will nag her boyfriend that she isn't getting younger, that she could have lots of men and various  other "let's get married" cliches until the rich buffoon get the hint and buys her the biggest rock he can find.

The Securely Engaged female in this situation will then parade her ring around, showing it off and appraising its value to anyone in ear shot (sometimes you can catch a girl in this situation pretending to be on the phone with someone, engaged in a conversation about how many karats the diamonds embedded inside the band of the ring are...trust me, no one's on the other end of that call).

If the Securely Engaged female's fiancee is truly filthy rich and is good looking, this engagement will most likely turn into a marriage. Any situation less than this and the Security Engagement is merely functioning as a sort of rich guy homing beacon; she's advertising to even richer and better looking men that she is a challenge...a nut to be cracked...with a solid gold nutcracker.

It's very hard for a guy to pull this off with a rich girl, but it's not impossible. The only problem is that men don't wear diamond engagement rings. The quick fix to this is the engagement Mercedes. Once you've convinced your fiancee's rich dad to buy you a brand new S Class, your goal is to parade this prize around, announcing to any attractive female onlookers that your fiancee bought you the car. As we all know, there are women out there who are most attracted to guys who are "taken," and for those kinds of girls, this is a fully functioning love potion. Just be careful, because if your rich girl's daddy is truly rich, he can pay to have your balls cut off if you get caught.

There's yet another popular reason for getting a Security Engagement...

HE OR SHE DOESN'T WANT TO LOSE HIS OR HER REALLY FRICKIN' HOT GIRLFRIEND/BOYFRIEND

 

 

 

A loveless marriage really can't work, even if it's with a super hot chick. But...a loveless engagement with a super hot chick? That CAN work. This form of Security Engagement comes around when you've scored a mate well out of your league whom you have no use for other than to look at and occasionally fuck. You don't want to get married, have kids and grow old with this hot chick...but you can't bear someone else doing that either.

There are a few ways this type of Security Engagement can end. You could bite the bullet and endure a loveless marriage as a sort of endurance test (with its ever present prize being the hot chick you get to hang out with and put your penis inside). While a random passerby will certainly say the guy in this relationship is lucky as hell, any of us who have attempted to engage in a conversation with a model can attest to the fact that this isn't really the case.

The hope of this engagement is that eventually you can meet a hot chick who is actually cool and you can trade up. Those kinds of girls are very hard to come by and you'd have an easier time meeting them through your very attractive fiancee.

The worst way for this type of Security Engagement to end is for your fiancee to dump you...sure she's hot, but no one wants to be rejected by an annoying idiot.

THE HARM OF SECURITY ENGAGEMENTS

 

 

 

The main problem with trapping someone in this sort of engagement is that it's not fair to them OR to the world at large. If I had a penny for every time I've seen a dude fall for a Securely Engaged girl, I'd be a depressed Thousandaire (as opposed to just depressed, which is what i am now).  

Why do I even care about Security Engagements? Well, my freshman year of college was completely relationship-less because every girl I'd go after was trapped in a Security Engagement that was a holdover from High School. All those engagements ended by Sophomore year, of course, and then my friends and I had our pick of the litter.

But I'll never forget that formative year when EVERY cute, funny, smart girl was engaged to Johnny from back home who was almost always some sort of hockey/football/lacrosse player who never called his fiancee. Why? Because he was out at his school, luring girls into his room by showing them pictures of his fiancee and then, while sticking his dick in these girls who weren't his fiancee, saying matter-of-factly that he'd "never done this before."

Johnny (and Sally and anyone in a Security Engagement), I'm putting yall on notice...I'm making it my personal quest to blow up your spot from now on. So all you Securely Engaged perpetrators out there...watch out! Consider this little article a security breach.