DV EXPOSE: The Neverending BJ

There will be no images in this post. I'm sure you will understand why.

The Neverending BJ is a simple idea, summarized thusly: The ultimate goal of life is to receive  one single, unbroken blowjob which will continue until your death. It doesn't matter how old you are, and it doesn't matter how long the actual blowjob lasts: the entire point of existence is to receive a single blowjob which will literally last the rest of your life.

To achieve the Neverending BJ, you will need the following things:

-A woman schooled in the arts of fellatio who is selfless and interested in furthering the theoretical science of The Neverending Blowjob

-A stainless steel toilet which is both comfortable to sit on and requires very little regular maintenance

-A nurse or other caretaker who can deliver you food

-Several thousand tubs of Vaseline

-Enough food to last you the rest of your life, or at least a job which does not require you to stand up or leave the house

In theory, any man should be able to achieve a Neverending Blowjob with enough cash, time, and determination. Essentially, you take the toilet and sit on it. Forever. You will never leave this toilet except in the case of extreme emergency, so make sure it's really goddamned comfy. Once you're stationed on the toilet, call the woman of your choice over and have her commence fellatio. This is how the both of you will spend the rest of your mortal lives.

While you eat and defecate for years and years, she will still be giving you a BJ. When you get sick and a doctor comes to check you out, she'll be giving you a BJ. When your family comes over to chastise you for choosing such a ridiculous fantasy to indulge in, you won't care because she'll be giving you a BJ. Once you commence the Neverending BJ, you will achieve enlightenment. Everything which does not matter will become truly irrelevant; your only goal in life will be to perpetuate the BJ, and thus your life (as Thoreau suggested in Walden) will become much, much simpler and therefore much, much better. Neither world politics, nor pop culture, nor your own family will matter: you will exist solely for the BJ, and the BJ will exist solely for you. 

But what of the girl's safety? We've all heard the odd little scientific facts concerning the high protein, carb, and vitamin content of semen; should you ejaculate merely once or twice a day, your female benefactor should be more than able to survive in relative comfort. She will, of course, become tired, and will need to rest -- no matter. So long as your organ is securely in her mouth at all times, the BJ has not technically be broken. She is not required to constant move up and down, alternately sucking and blowing, in order to maintain the BJ. It would be nice, but let's not push this generous woman any farther than we already have. Regardless of whether or not you love each other, you and your BJ-giver will be closer than any two human beings on the Earth have ever been, both physically and emotionally; your mutualistic relationship will make you truly co-dependent on each other. If she doesn't manage to arouse you to the point of orgasm, she will starve. If you don't bring yourself to climax, your BJ will stop. You two will absolutely need each other, and will thus become an example to the rest of the world. "If only we all needed each other in the way those two need one another," others will say. "The Neverending BJ has truly taught us so much about life," they'll say. 

While the Neverending BJ will literally consist of essentially permanent pleasure, precautions will have to be made. Outside of the prerequisite STD testing and constant hygiene upkeep (just because you can't move off the toilet doesn't mean your nurse can't give you and the girl a sponge bath), be sure to keep the skin of your member from getting horribly raw and sensitive. This is what the moisturizing Vaseline for. During one of the girl's several breaks throughout the day (her mouth will still be somewhere on your organ in order to maintain the BJ, but she probably won't have the whole thing in her mouth), maintain yourself with Vaseline. Should you neglect this, the Neverending BJ will become a much shorter, much more painful experience as the skin slowly wears away and you get infected. Needless to say, not the most pleasant of experiences.

To conclude: get the money together, buy a toilet, find a girl, get some Vaseline, and spend the rest of your goddamn life getting a blowjob. This is what all men must aspire to. This is the highest form of achievement which mankind can attain. This is the Neverending BJ.