03.17.08 From the Viking
DV EXPOSE: The Great Irish Drinking Myth
Written by Kevin Palmer
Every race has a claim to fame: Asians are horrible drivers, the English have poor dental practices, the French smell, and Italians were screwed by the Moors giving them the dark complexion they are known for (Dennis Hopper in True Romance can’t be wrong). Then we have the Irish, who are known for their alleged drinking ability; however, at Double Viking, we deal in facts, and these facts utterly dispel all myths of Irish drinking supremacy.
FACT: Arthur wasn’t Irish. He was English
Everyone’s favorite drunk played by Dudley Moore in 1981 -- and then again in 1987 -- wasn’t Irish, he was English, and I consider any movie with Liza Minelli in it to be an historical document. (I also listen to the Rent soundtrack on weekends. Does that make me gay?)
FACT: I’ve never seen anyone with red hair who could REALLY drink.
Have you ever seen Carrot Top or Donnie Most throw one back? Neither have I, so I am not going to believe that Seamus O'Shea is able to drink, either. And until I see the Wendy’s girl table dancing after twenty beers, I am sticking with this theory. Relatedly, did you know that girls with pigtails like you to use them as handlebars? Just saying.
FACT: I once drank an Irish kid named Stuart under the table.
You don’t think that we just sit back and absorb all of our knowledge from television do you? Our crack staff does field work, and I personally drank a kid from Ireland under the table a few years back after introducing him to my best friend, Mr. Jack Daniels.
USA-1
Ireland-0
We feel that one example is more than enough for a complete body of research. Just adding to our case that the Irish aren’t legendary drinkers.
FACT: Jesus, the ultimate lush, wasn’t Irish.
The guy took water -- the liquid necessary to sustain life -- and turned it into wine. What does that tell you about dependency issues? Jesus wasn’t Irish, he was a black Jew like Sammy Davis Jr. I wonder if he liked Newports?
FACT: There hasn’t been a new Irish drinking song in years.
It's all about getting krunked now, and I don’t see Everlast and House of Pain coming out of retirement with their input on that topic. There hasn’t been a significant Irish drinking song produced in at least a hundred years, and we all know that if you don’t fight to stay relevant in pop culture, you are obsolete. Hell, Lohan understands that, why do you think she posed nude with no movie coming out? I hate to say this, but maybe the Irish should take a hint from the Lohan family and do something to remain relevant. But keep your clothes on. As was the case with Lohan, nobody wants to see all those freckles.
Kevin Palmer is a freelance writer and you can read his daily blog at pointlessbanter.net.
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He's an unholy mix of a plasticized 45 yo woman and a 45 yo loser named Carrot Top.
Happy Monday and st pat's day to all the Irish that my English ancestors subjugated and oppressed. You with me Jibs?
That being said, Ireland has not produced very many talented celebrities. Irish people should stick to what we're good at, which is drinking and fighting. I support the rounding up any Irish celebrity and putting them in a death camp. Start with the Riverdance people, Carrot Top (although with no last name, I suspect he is some other nationality), U2, Sinead O'Connor, Van Morrison and The Cranberries.
Now go watch Boondock Saints and drink some Jameson Irish whiskey.
and i resent the poor dental practices, jibson has very nice teeth, but will concede you amy winehouse.
bear you may have underestimated the entire rest of DV in saying you can outdrink ALL of us, as I myself am Irish/German....and have been known to knock back a few sixpacks, perhap, and this is a very big PERHAPS, you could outdrink each of us alone, but not ALL of us man....seriously
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