DV EXPOSE: The Dark Side of Thanksgiving

 

MASS SLAUGHTER OF TURKEYS

A lot of turkeys are killed for Thanksgiving. By some estimates (1) the figure is around 46 million . To put things in perspective, about 36 million cows are killed each year in America. While, sure, cows are way bigger and have more meat than turkeys, we're talking about 46 million FOR THANKSGIVING! That's quite a lot of dead birds.

The turkeys in the United States are, like the cows and chickens we eat on a daily basis, genetically modified and grow up in substandard conditions (each large, 20-something pound bird is given 2.5 square feet of space). Through the wonders of genetics, Thanksgiving turkeys have been given larger breasts (which completely eradicates the poor motherfucker's ability to have sex, forcing turkeys to rely on artificial insemination). Thanks to a bunch of other modifications, including color and size, we get our 16 pound round carcass just how we like it every year.

After about 14 weeks into their life, your homeboy, the turkey, has reached his (or her) slaughter weight. Time to make the donuts!

The turkeys are then electronically "stunned" and thrown onto an assembly line where they are slashed, desanguinated and cleaned in a "scalding tank," which is how they get killed. A lot of animal rights activists point out that the turkeys are alive through much of this process. I think that may be true but that fact isn't "sad" enough to satiate my hunger for turkey. Sorry.

As you can see, I'm not advocating you stop eating turkey on Thursday. That shit is delicious (especially if you put some dope stuffing inside...my favorite is that Martha Stewart sausage stuffing recipe). But it's rather INTERESTING to peer inside the dark, back room of the Thanksgiving food industry. What makes the turkey slaughter stay off people's radars (while the chicken and beef industries are constantly scrutinized) is the fact that Thanksgiving has such a "soulful" vibe to it. It's easy to forget that your turkey was raised and slaughtered in a factory when you're eating organic yams and harvest wild rice as side dishes.

OBESITY (AND OBESITY LAWSUITS)

From when I was a kid until when I entered college, I was rather overweight. Back then I was called "chunky," but if I was growing up now they might say I had childhood obesity. Then I lost like 80 pounds. BUT back then, I had a special fondness for Thanksgiving. It was Thanksgiving when I first gorged myself on food until I reached a certain level of euphoria. And once I was well on my way to fat land, it was Thanksgiving that was the one day a year when I wasn't a freak--everyone ate like me on Turkey Day.

And thanks to kids who are much like I was growing up (and money-hungry parents) the government has had to issue something called the "Obesity Liability Waiver" for hosts of Thanksgiving dinner (2). Basically, the government is saying that no matter what fat asses say (my former self included), an obesity class action lawsuit can't be filed. That means that unlike McDonalds, the host of a Thanksgiving dinner can't be blamed for someone else's obesity (and thus have to pay a cash settlement for their health problems).

The fact that these waivers have to be issued is sickening...even at my fattest the thought never crossed my mind that my grandma or my aunt (the hosts of Thanksgiving in my family) were at fault. Golly, do I love America.

MACY'S THANKSGIVING DAY PARADE INJURIES

The Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade, for those few of you who don't know, is a huge parade in NYC on Thanksgiving where people parade around very, very large inflated balloons. There are balloons for all sorts of companies, businesses and, most importantly, cartoon characters. "Seinfeld" had a rather funny episode dealing with a Woody the Woodpecker balloon (that Jerry accidentally popped).

And guess what? Even the Macy's Day parade has its dark side (3). There have been several accidents involving the balloons. The most notable occurred in 1997, when the Cat in the Hat balloon slammed into a lamppost and landed on a woman, causing her permanent brain damage. Kathleen Caronna, the woman injured by the large cat balloon, later had her house smashed in by Yankees player Cory Lidle's plane. Thanksgiving curse, anyone?

DEAD/POOR "INDIANS"

While the official line on Thanksgiving is that it's a historical celebration that dates back to the time of the Pilgrims and was first thrown to commemorate the harvest and the "deep friendship" of the white man and the Native Americans, this is, in a word, bullshit (at least according to scholars and Native Americans).

As a Native American site built around the "myths" of Thanksgiving puts it (4), "For many Indian people, 'Thanksgiving' is a time of mourning, of remembering how a gift of generosity was rewarded by theft of land and seed corn, extermination of many from disease and gun, and near total destruction of many more from forced assimilation. As currently celebrated in this country, 'Thanksgiving' is a bitter reminder of 500 years of betrayal returned for friendship." OUCH!

This is probably the true "dark side" of Thanksgiving...while we spend the day gobbling up foods Native Americans presented to our ancestors (or at least to the ancestors of rich people we know) and chill out in our houses and "give thanks" for all we've received, the few remaining Native Americans are sitting around (in silence, I would imagine) mourning all the shit we took.

But enough of all that...will someone pass me a piece of white meat and some stuffing?