DV EXPOSE: Rick Rubin

 

 

 

Why, you're asking, do I dare attempt to take down one of the great minds of the music industry? A man with credibility, cool points and great albums spilling out of his ass? Well, he's a fucking grade A con man. Normally, I wouldn't give a damn about his bullshit. But he's now in a position to drastically shift the way that we as consumers listen to and own music and I think someone needs to speak up before he gets his way. So let's take it from the top (pun intended).

RICK RUBIN DOESN'T PLAY AN INSTRUMENT AND KNOWS NEXT TO NOTHING ABOUT MUSIC

Rick Rubin got his start in the music industry "producing" sample-based hip-hop tracks. Now this definitely takes skill. I'll divulge that one of my "side hustles" is producing hip-hop tracks for TV shows, films and commercials. I also compose symphonic soundtracks for the same three mediums. Guess which is more difficult--creating a loop-based rap track or composing and arranging a symphonic piece filled with string and horn parts and multiple key and tempo changes? I think you can guess.

Now that Rubin works with rock and pop acts (which requires knowledge about song-writing, scales, melody, etc), he has a staff that includes members of The Red Hot Chili Peppers and Semisonic to do all the "dirty work" of co-writing songs with artists. His main job (as seen in the Dixie Chicks' film, "Shut Up And Sing") is to listen to the songs after they've been laid down, with his eyes closed, and mutter some arrogant phrases like "hmmm, get rid of all the lyrics" or "ohhh, I like that change!"

Let's compare that to, say, Jeff Lynne. Mr. Lynne is an acclaimed producer in his own right. He serves as a perfect foil for Rubin, however, because he's got the chops to do the song-writing himself. Mr. Lynne got his start in the underground British Invasion band, the Idle Race, in which he served as the chief songwriter and lead guitarist. He then joined the band The Move in the late 60s, writing the biggest hit in the band's career, "Do Ya." Right after that, he dissolved The Move to form a little band called the Electric Light Orchestra. Lynne wrote every song the band ever recorded, played almost every instrument on the recordings, wrote all the lyrics, sang all the lead vocals and led the band to about 20 million or so records sold worldwide. He then produced the biggest album of both George Harrison and Tom Petty's career, co-writing all the hit singles on those albums, as well as playing along with the two of them (and Bob Dylan and Roy Orbison) on The Traveling Wilburys' two records.

This is an incredible career for a producer, one that could easily rival Rick Rubin's. But what's different in Jeff Lynne's case is that his career rests on the back of his foundations as a top notch songwriter. Rick Rubin's career rests on the foundation of him being a douchebag with a long beard who can't play any instruments or read music, let alone sing, write lyrics or even, we'll assume, play cowbell. Good, con, Mr. Rubin. Good con.

HIS RECORD AS A "HIT MAKER" IS OVERBLOWN

Rick Rubin put himself on the map with two albums--the Beastie Boys' "License to Ill" and The Red Hot Chili Peppers' "Blood. Sugar. Sex. Magik." Both albums blew their respective bands into superstar status and Mr. Rubin, with his "guru" dog and pony show, was certainly responsible in part for the success of both albums. But for every "Blood. Sugar" there's five more Rubin-produced albums no one's ever listened to. For instance, when was the last time you've heard a Slayer song on the radio? That's right, never. Or, name another Danzig song other than "Mother." Can't, can you?

In fact, take a look at the list of albums Mr. Rubin has produced. Anyone remember Wolfsbane? Masters of Reality? God Lives Underwater? Oh, and of course we can't forget the fact that Rubin's responsible for Andrew Dice Clay. Thanks!

Yes, he's attached himself (and his songwriters) to some great projects. But he's certainly not some beyond-human guru. And though there's always pretty good quality control on all his albums (hey, you get what you pay for...Rick Rubin IS one of the most expensive producers ever), even some of his "bigger" projects for big acts didn't sell as well their previous stuff. The Weezer, Linkin Park and Dixie Chicks records all sit near the bottom of their respective bands' lists of highest selling albums. Same goes for Neil Diamond.

HIS GURU SCHTICK IS LAUGHABLY UNORIGINAL

Rick Rubin and his acolytes bill him as an Indian style "guru," with prayer beads and beard thrown in with esoteric statements, bare feet and a lack of eye contact. People with little self confidence (read insecure celebs) fall for his shit because they're used to never being questioned. But the stuff Rubin is preaching, such as his "craaazy" belief in "good songs," is so writing-on-the-wall obvious it's not even worth mentioning. Who the fuck wants bad songs? Not one person, u fat motherfucker. So stop stating the obvious.

This fervent belief in ambiguous simplicity is lifted from every "great" madman, from Mao to the Beatles' very own Rick Rubin, the Maharesshi (hey, they did write the "white album" and much of "Abbey Road" while in India). You know what might make for cooler schtick? Firing your song-writers, taking some music theory and piano lessons and learn to tell your clients exactly what you think is wrong with their songs. You pretentious, unlearned fuck head.

HERE'S WHY I'M REALLY ANGRY

It's fun to skewer Rick Rubin, a bloated figurehead from a different era. Fun, but pointless. But it's not pointless to attack Rick Rubin, head of Columbia Records and threat to my music collection, because I actually love music and I don't want him fucking with the way I listen to and own music.

Let me fill you in. Rick Rubin has a plan to "save" the music industry. One he fervently believes in. And seeing as most celebs and music execs are taken by his messiah routine, he might get his way. Which would suck. Because Rick Rubin's plan (as detailed in his "New York Times" magazine profile) is to make everyone pay a monthly subscription fee in order to be allowed access to music. The details of his plan aren't fully revealed, but the example he gives is that if you want to subscribe to Paul Simon, you pay a monthly fee and then you will be allowed to listen to his stuff on a sanctioned player. All his stuff... but only on said sanctioned player and only as long as you can keep up with your payments.

Faaaantastic. So rather than pay once for an album I then get to own, I get to pay a monthly fee to rent the album? Thanks Rick! And what if I only like two songs by Paul Simon? What do I do then?

People have been trying to pitch the idea of a subscription service for music for the past five years now. Napster is one example of a service that currently operates in this business model. What makes me not want to use Napster (outside of the fact that Napster sold out all its users) is that I don't want to pay for and enjoy my music the way I pay for (and do not enjoy) my credit card debt. I don't want to feel an obligation to keep up payments to own something. There's something un-American about that (which is ironic since Rick Rubin's own label is called American).

Sure it's materialistic, but I want to OWN my music. I want it stored on anything I want it to be stored on and I don't want to be told how to listen to it or how to pay for it.

Sure, the music industry is in big trouble. That's mostly because of illegal downloading. You know why people illegally download music? Because it's the only way they're gonna listen to the crap that's being made. Wanna save the music industry? Stop hiring con-men to run your companies. They're only gonna rip us all off and laugh quietly under their beard all the way to the bank.