DV EXPOSE: Porn Saturation

PART I: Niche Marketing

Sploshing:  Just to illustrate how long we've been heading down this path to full porn market saturation, let's take a look at sploshing, which, if you're 90% of the population, you have likely never heard of before.  Sploshing is the community shorthand for the wet and messy fetish, which is where you dump liquids or semi-liquid substances on a person -- and this is the interesting -- regardless of whether they are wearing clothes or not.  Avid sploshers will also have you know that sploshing does not include throwing bodily fluids and fluid-like substances on each other, which behavior we can only assume sploshers find vile and bizarre. 

Now, apart from the fact that any rainstorm is an unwitting splosh orgy, the most important reason for the inclusion of sploshing on this list is the existence of the magazine Splosh! -- and, more importantly still, the fact that it has been in existence since 1989.  For almost twenty years, the world of sploshing has supported an entire staff.  A family of careers devoted to sploshing and sploshing alone.  Sploshing, as fringe as it may seem, is basically mainstream.  So, if something as random as sploshing is available with glossy paper, what's really on the fringe?  The answer is "more than enough."

Vegetable Sex:  A quick quiz for you:  there's a woman you think is hot.  In your mind, do you picture, A) Her removing her clothes, B) Having sex with her in a series of remote and exotic locales, C) A dude, or D) Cramming asparagus into her every orifice.  If you answered C, congratulations, you're something of a paradox.  If you answered D, however, you are part of the elite group of fetishists who get off on vegetables.  I have to believe that the few people who like putting carrots in their ass could probably make do without pictures of it.  There's no embargo on parsnips, folks.  You can cram away.  I just don't want to see it when I'm looking for a recipe... or do I?

Everything on This List:  Read it.  Read it again if you've already read it.  Just in case you'd forgotten about gut flopping.

PART II: The Google Image Search

For the Google Image Search experiment, I selected three fairly random body parts that generally have no sexual connotation and entered them into the search bar with no modifiers whatsoever.  That is, I typed in "knuckles" only.  Obviously, I'd have been overwhelmed by something incomprehensible if I'd typed even as much as "hot knuckles" (not recommended), so, to prove my point that porn is getting everywhere, I tried to keep it as innocent as possible.  As you'll see, in the final instance, I failed miserably at selecting a non-fetishized body part.  That's my bad.  But it's still funny.  In the other two, though, I think I stumbled upon two body parts that aren't yet sitting in puddles of drool from remote and disparate sources.  And yet, even without the benefit of an enveloping fetish, there's still porn.

Knuckles:  I expected to see a bunch of pictures of brass knuckles.  And there were two of those, to be fair.  There were also eighteen pictures of Knuckles the Echidna from Sonic the Hedgehog.  However, the very first entry was a picture of a disgraced Liberian politician named Willis Knuckles in a devil's threesome with some random and grainy chick.  I'm not trying to hate on Willis Knuckles, even though he's a fat and bald sack of shit regardless of which guy he is.  It has always been my belief that if your name is Willis Knuckles, you should be able to have sex with whomever you want.  I'm not even trying to complain about finding porn in a search that could have easily been for a cartoon marsupial.  I found that pretty hilarious.  What I am saying is that there is no fucking reason for porn to have gotten this far, and yet, simply because there's so much of it, here it is, spreading inevitably to the most far flung crevices of cyberspace.

Thumb:  When you conduct a search for thumb, you find some thumbnail pictures of various national parks, thumbtacks, anatomical diagrams of thumbs, thumbdrives, some sort of bizarre thumb armor and -- for absolutely no discernible reason -- a naked picture of soccer legend Pele.  No, I'm not fucking with you. 

Armpit:  To be fair, I probably should have anticipated this.  Even so, unless you enjoy the way your penis looks as it runs away from your body, you will not do a Google Image Search for armpit.  You will see the pictures, and your genitals will bid you adieu. 

In conclusion, porn has gone too far now for it to ever be stopped, and any hope for containment is doomed to futility.  Even if no more porn is ever created, the porn that already exists will slowly spread out like an oil slick until it has choked the life out of all seagulls.  If porn continues to be created, on the other hand, it's only a matter of time before oil slick and seagull choking fetishists accomplish the same end.

So, I suppose the moral of the story is that seagulls are fucked.