DV Expose: Man Gaffes

 

 

A political gaffe is usually when the media misunderstand a candidate. Well, the various types of Man Gaffes all occur when a dude's significant other mistakes innocent conversation for an invitation to a fight. Here are the various types of Man Gaffes:

 

SAYING WHAT YOU WERE "GOING TO SAY"

When a dude says something mean to his girlfriend (or wife) in an argument, it's not a gaffe. There's no mistaking what he means at the time. Sure, he might regret what he said, but he meant it.

But what's it called when a guy THINKS something really effed up in an argument with his chick and then, after they've kissed and made up, reveals the thing he didn't say? A Man Gaffe called the "I Was Gonna Say."

Here's a general rule that men should know--you will be held accountable for ANYTHING you say to your girl. Even if you have the world's biggest disclaimer coming before the offensive comment (like "I am really glad I didn't say anything as offensive as..."), the point remains: if you say it, you say it.

Case in point--I was out to dinner with my girlfriend one night. We were at a table next to a gay couple and, when my girlfriend started acting coldly to me, the thought passed through my head--"Well, behaving like that is certainly making those gay dudes happy they don't have to deal with women." Later on, I found out my girlfriend wasn't feeling well, which was why she was acting cold at dinner. "Ah, well I feel bad then," I began. "Because, thankfully I didn't say this, but I had thought that your behavior was making those gay guys pretty happy they don't have to deal with girls."

I slept on the couch THAT night. Now, I didn't mean her any harm... but learn from my mistake--if you didn't say it the first time, don't say it at all.

SAYING A CELEBRITY CHICK IN YOUR RANGE IS HOT 

One thing a lot of modern girlfriends should get credit for is being cool with their boyfriends' worship of hot chicks. My girlfriend, and just about all of my friends' girlfriends, seem to encourage their boyfriends' celebrity crushes.

This phenomenon is true... to a POINT. Your girlfriend will encourage your crush on any mega hot, totally unattainable celebrity. She'll love you talking about how hot Adriana Lima's butt is or hearing how cute you think Jessica Biel is looking these days. But be careful, dude--if you pick any chick your girlfriend thinks is remotely in your range, you will have just made a MAN GAFFE.

Sure, unless you live in LA or New York, the chances of meeting the "in-your-range" celebrity is very slim. Sure, the chick would only be in your range if she wasn't a celebrity and her fame pretty much automatically throws her out of your range anyways. These are all logical statements... ones that will be ignored if you happen to call "Ugly Betty" hot. Dude, we totally agree. She's thick in all the right places and has a killer face. But don't tell your girl ANY of this. Just continue drooling over Jenna Jameson and the Victoria's Secret gals and you'll be just fine.

DEFENDING ANYONE WHO CHEATS 

This one, on the surface, seems obvious. Never defend cheating to your girlfriend. Jude Law might be "the man" for bagging multiple hot chicks by way of cheating, but your girl, obviously, isn't gonna want to hear that.

But like, NEVER EVER defend cheating, dude. Even if you're reading a story about a battered wife who ends up cheating on her husband... say, oh how horrible, she was beaten. But don't be like "and it's a good thing she found a new lover." Not just cuz the word "lover" is kinda gay. But because even when it makes sense in context to defend cheating, YOU, a guy, defending someone else cheating in a conversation with your girlfriend is a red flag to her that you are OK with cheating.

Honestly, the word "cheating" will cause your gal's brain to shut down. Even if you're telling her about how Pete Rose got "cheated" out of his place in the Hall of Fame, she's gonna think you're cheating on her.

I'm not gonna tell you to avoid cheating at all costs. That's up to you, buddy. But certainly avoid the WORD "cheating" at all costs. That's just a great way to avoid a particularly painful Man Gaffe.

FEIGNING INTEREST IN SOME STUFF SHE LIKES

This is another tough one. If you actually find something you and your girlfriend enjoy together, your relationship will grow. Duh. This is obvious. But if you feign interest in something she likes, despite the fact that you hate it, you're gonna get fucked in the end, Man Gaffe style.

Say your girl loves the Ballet. If you love the ballet, then you've got no problem (well, no problem with your relationship, at least... you got a problem with ME, though, you ballet-loving mofo). But if you PRETEND to love the ballet and do a little research and grin and bear going to the ballet and abstain from complaining when you do, then, in the short term, you're gonna be winning. You'll get some extra nookie and some extra respect (you can decide which is cooler). But, dude, you're gonna slip up at some point. And when you do, you're gonna be more screwed than if you were just honest from the get-go.

So instead of acting all enthused about ballet when you quietly wanna complain, just complain. In the end, your girl doesn't want a boyfriend who likes ballet anyways, so she'll secretly be relieved. Plus, there's no way she's gonna feign interest in anything you like, so if she's gonna complain and make faces at the Star Trek convention, then you can do the same at the grape-hugger and swan convention. Honesty=NO MAN GAFFE.