DV EXPOSE: Lawsuits Are Turning Our Kids Into Pussies

 

 

 

I put "frivolous" in quotes because technically, these lawsuits that are effing up our kids aren't frivolous. A Frivolous Lawsuit is one where the reward asked far exceeds what someone should logically get (like if someone asked for millions of dollars if they stubbed their toe at work) or if the basis for the lawsuit is absurd. It's GOOD if an insane lawsuit is deemed frivolous...that means it didn't win.

What I'm talking about are cases that obvious seem "frivolous" (or insane, or stupid, or whatever you want to call them) that DO win...and then have an averse affect on the people involved--in this case, the school kids of America.

A LITTLE BACKGROUND

There have been preposterous laws on the books since before we were even a country. Many of those crazy laws are still in the books. A great source for finding out these crazy laws is the,well, Craziest Laws in America page. For instance, DID YOU KNOoooww that in Alabama, it's illegal to play dominoes on Sunday...but you CAN have an incestuous relationship...as long as you get married. Or, DID YOU KNOoooww that in North Andover, MA, it is illegal to use a space gun? I bet you did not. (1)

Insane laws like these have always existed for various reasons (fear of God, fear of loneliness, fear of...Space Guns). But normally these nutty rules go unpunished or, in the case of the space guns law, are impossible to break. This is not the case when it comes to the recent crop of "nutty," "insane" laws that are popping onto the books because of successful "frivolous" lawsuits all over America...when these often high profile cases hit the court room, there is a ripple effect (much like a pebble being thrown into a pool...or, perhaps a ruffled potato chip being thrown into a bowl of dip). This ripple effect spreads out to the rest of the country and, increasingly, leaves our school kids at odds with a normal childhood, forcing them to be straight up vaginas.

WHEN DID ALL THIS START?

 

 

 

The first time a high profile law suit actually reached the masses and had a lasting effect was that McDonald's hot coffee bitch. This woman, the 79-year-old Stella Liebeck, spilled hot McDonald's coffee on her lap and (so she claims) received "third-degree burns over 16 percent of her body" (2). She ended up winning $160,000 "compensatory damages" and, wait for it, wait for it...$2.7 million bucks in punitive damages.

The lawsuit, which happened in 1994, DID have merit. The coffee was heated at 190 degrees Fahrenheit, which burns the fuck out people's skin (especially skin of the extremely wrinkled, 79-year-old variety). But Liebecks' case is frickin' aggravating because it was the first time (in recent memory at least) where people saw that you could make millions of dollars by playing David and suing Goliath. As soon as people realized this, consumer lawsuits went from Ralph Nader land (where the damages won were often just enough to get a lasting change to dangerous products) to Candy land (okay, horrible analogy, I apologize...but you get the picture). This, of course, was facilitated by...

THE SUPREME FUCK UP

The vanguard of "let's fuck up the kids" lawsuits were the at school sexual harassment cases. As the San Francisco Chronicle reported in 1999, the U.S. Supreme Court ruled that schools could be held liable if students sexually harassed each other. (3) This meant if your kid touches my kid in a way that I don't like, I'm gonna be owning your house soon. At the time, Associate Justice Anthony Kennedy (aka the Supreme Court Intern...not really, but sorta) dissented in the case and warned: "The decision 'will breed a climate of fear' that will encourage school administrators to overreact to harmless teasing among children."

Does the word "PROPHETIC" mean anything?! Hmm?!

Well...does it? Don't make me look it up...(*Looks it up*) Wow! Good word choice, me! How... PROPHETIC...of Associate Justice Kennedy. He knew the score, because, look at us NOW:

DON'T TOUCH MY MONKEY BARS, OR I'LL SUE YOU

 

 

 

There was a story last year that came out of Attleboro, MA (ohh, Massachusetts, home of the shitty laws) about how a south Boston elementary school had banned its children from "playing tag, touch football" and most other games that would involve touching each other "for fear [the kids] will get hurt and hold the school liable." (4) Well, first off, obviously elementary kids aren't going to hold a school liable. They don't know what liable means. They just learned what "Spaghetti" means.

But the PARENTS of elementary school children of course would hold the school liable. And why not? They have the US Supreme Court on their side, after all. If little Jimmy gets tagged "it" and then can't seem to catch any of the other kids to tag them "it" because he's on the chunky side and then he comes home and cries to his mommy, of COURSE his mom should sue the fuck out of the school. It's only fair...so says the Supreme Court.

So now kids at this school can't play tag. There's also that school I brought up earlier where kids can't hug each other (5). Soon we're gonna see a ban on hardcore vaginal intercourse at schools...IS NOTHING SACRED, PEOPLE?!

And what kind of kids do you think come out of a school that's scared of hugging? Why, scared ones, that's what! What sort of lasting effects will these lilly-livered bans have on the kids?

ALL THE KIDS (AND, SUBSEQUENTLY, ADULTS) WILL BE PUSSIES

 

 

 

And I don't mean pussies in a derogatory, "they're gay/women-like" way. On average, an elementary school girl is more bad-ass than an elementary school male. Or a married adult male, for that matter. I mean pussy as in "scared," I mean pussy as in "feeble" and I mean pussy as in "has no balls." Wait...shit. Not actualy balls...damn. Well, you know what I mean.

But like I said above, the generation of kids we're raising now are going to be scared. And when they eventually get into a fight, maybe in a bar, maybe on the street, they're gonna shit themselves...and lose badly. And don't even get me started on what kind of cops or soldiers these kids are going to make.

With all this nervous banning of tag and hugs and touching and anything of the sort, we're going to have the first generation of Americans with no bad-asses. And without our bad-asses, what are we?

Canadian.

Sigh...