DV Expose: LA Is Not For The Manly

 

MOST OF THE CITY'S CASH IS MADE FROM PEOPLE PLAYING PRETEND 

Movies are awesome. That's an obvious statement. I can watch Goodfellas or Pulp Fiction on loop. When done right, a movie is the perfect balance of violence and bad-assery that drives me to drink another beer and crash my car into a ditch (true story, thanks to watching The Rocketeer on TBS).

But just because the final product is manly as a face full of stitches, that doesn't mean that the act of filmmaking is fruity-free. Take the aforementioned example of Pulp Fiction. In the flick, John Travolta's character is a heroin-injecting, ponytail-having bad ass who meets his bullet-ridden demise while taking a shit. That's the way I want to go, kids. But the REAL John Travolta? Well I think this picture says it all.



Who knows if he's gay, straight or just weird. But the fact remains that he ain't manly. In his free time he likes massages from other dudes and attending scientology meetings.

LA's economy is driven by a bunch of grown men playing pretend. While a large percentage of the stuff they put out is quality, that doesn't change the fact that the industry itself is allergic to manly men. If you've ever been on a film set, you'll agree with me that there's a lot of bitching, a lot of pampering and, overall, a general "welcome to the drama club" atmosphere; while you might like Will Smith movies, I'm sure you'd try to beat Will Smith the actor silly if you ever hung out with the guy.

NO BARS, ONLY CLUBS

The LA night life gets written about constantly. You can't watch TV or read a newspaper without seeing a story about or a picture of some celebrity attending a party at this or that club. As a manly outside observer, you can't help but wonder, "Damn, why are these celebrities always going to clubs?"

The answer is simple. That's pretty much all they have in LA. Sure, there are some corner bars and people will occasionally drink at home. But most of the "Fabulous" LA night life takes place in one of the hundreds of night clubs spread around the greater Los Angeles area.

A few months ago, I asked an LA native to break down the night life for me. He said, woefully, that the mentality is, "If there isn't a line around the block, the place isn't worth spit." Yes, he said spit.

Coming from Milwaukee, WI (the Brew City) and having lived in New York the past 7 years, a nightlife driven by clubs seems positively pussy. Sure, clubs have their place--they exist so sober guys can find soused up chicks to take home on Saturday night. But on the other 6 nights of the week, a guy's gonna need a not-so-crowded bar with a great jukebox to just chill out, drink a few beers and do his clients' taxes. Or is that just me?

Regardless, it should be said that LA isn't the only big city in the US that's club driven. Atlanta is also a very club-oriented town. The big difference:  about half those Atlanta clubs? They got chicks taking off their clothes inside. Mhmm.

MOST SHITTY POP MUSIC IS RECORDED THERE

 

Back in the '60s, when LA was actually pretty bad-ass (thanks, in part, to Charlie Manson), a crazy mofo named Phil Spector put the town on the map as the home of pop music. Thanks to this gun-toting lunatic's proficiency behind a mixing board, a bunch of LA bands (and a bunch of other bands from out of town who came to LA to record) stormed the charts.

Spector's legacy as an LA hit-maker lives on. But most of the people who hit LA to record their bubble-gum albums forgot their guns at home. I'm not even gonna start listing pop records that were recorded in LA... just turn on your radio. Everything on that KISS station was recorded there. That means your Stefanis, your Fergies, your Jonas Brothers... all fruity turd records made in a fruity turd town.

The funniest thing about the LA music scene is how everyone in LA who's attempting to be "alternative" to the pop scene embraces '80s Sunset Strip hair metal, as if this is the manly side option. I'm sure the guys in Poison got laid all the time and when not in the band are the manliest of all men, but just look at these guys:

Even the "manly" alternatives in LA look like they have vaginas.

 

THEY HAVE THE WORST STAND UP COMICS

This, of course, is a recent development. Prior to the late '90s, LA had a great tradition of brilliant stand up comics. From Richard Pryor to Bill Hicks to Gary Shandling, LA had a stand up scene that rivaled, if not out-shined, New York's comedy scene.

Things have changed.

We can thank LA for the careers of the two biggest blights on the comedy landscape in the last 40 years--Dane Cook and Carlos Mencia. While Cook originally hails from Boston and Carlos Mencia (real name Ned Holness) hails from Honduras, both comedians found their voices, their audience and their fame in the City of Angels.

If you stumble into an LA comedy club these days, you're gonna find a crop of fresh faced joke-stealing comedians unnecessarily shouting their way into the limelight.

Most of the cast of the dueling dismal sketch comedy shows Saturday Night Live and Mad TV originally came from LA as well (and their horrible sketch troupe the Groundlings, who always mention Phil Hartman's association but always seem to forget that Steve Guttenberg was a troupe member as well).

ABUNDANT USE OF PLASTIC SURGERY

Plastic surgery isn't just vain. It's also pretty unmanly.  If you're a guy and you've got a problem with your nose, you know what you do? You get into a fight and have some strangers straighten it out for you (straight Owen Wilson style). You don't go see a doctor and pay thousands of dollars for some "corrective" surgery.

And according to some figures on the internet (the most correct of all sources available), there are 4 plastic surgeons for every 100,000 people in LA. And a lot of them are guys getting lipo, chest implants and (shudder) breast reductions. Hey, LA douchebags... you're too good for Moobs now? Well, your Moobs don't want you either, okay? C'mon moobs. Let's go hang out somewhere and laugh at people who live in LA.

EVIDENCE TO THE CONTRARY 

 

While I have provided sufficient evidence to show why LA is not for manly men, there is some evidence to the contrary. For instance, most of the porn is shot there. Also, the LA ghetto Compton provided us with Dr. Dre and the ghetto of Long Beach, CA (right nearby) provided us with Snoop Dogg (two of the manliest performers EVER). They also have some killer Mexican food in LA.

That's it, though. And if you even dare try to say I forgot In And Out Burgers, I'm gonna smack you silly. In And Out Burger might be sort of okay, but fuck it, I'd rather eat Wendy's than have to travel to LA for that bullshit. Plus, you can get In and Out in Vegas now. Now THERE's a manly town.